Category: relationships

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing.

The police arrive and ask for a description.

She tells them he’s 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.

The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, “You can’t believe her. He’s 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face.”

The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report.

She replies, “Just because I reported him missing, doesn’t mean I wanted him back!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his
father for help. “Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and
reality?”
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, “Let’s make a
demonstration out of this. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert
Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you’ve
learned.”
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what
his father means. He asks his mother,�Mom, if someone gave you a million
dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?” His mother looks around slyly,
and then with a little smile on her face says, “Don’t tell your father, but,
yes, I would.”
Then he goes to his sister�s room and asks her, “Sis, if someone gave you a
million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?” His sister looks up and says,
“Definitely!”
The kid goes back to his father and says, “Dad, I think I’ve
figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in
reality, we’re living with a couple of whores.”

There was a man who said, “I never knew what happiness was until I got married…and then it was too late!”

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

Jill tells her husband, “Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.

Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses. Now, why can’t you do that?”

“Gosh,” Jack says, “why I hardly know the girl!”

A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says, “You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening.” The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. “Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember,” she says. “I am going to treat you like a king.” She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works.

After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise. Well, the husband is wide awake watching the clock.

He knows that he is doomed. He taps her…”Honey?” he whispers. She rolls over and again proceed to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband’s dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore. Well, the man decides to tap her again. “Honey?” he whispers. She rolls over and yells, “Oh sure! You don’t have to get up in the morning!!!”

What do Michael Jackson and Wal-Mart have in common?

They both have boys pants off.

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10-speed bike. “Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300.”

“Easy, Dad,…” the boy replied. “I earned it hiking.”

“Come on,” the father said. “Tell me the truth.”

“That is the truth,” the boy replied. “Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He’d give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!”

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named “Amal.” The other goes to a family in Spain, they
name him “Juan”. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon
receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a
picture of Amal. Her husband responds, but they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan,
you’ve seen Amal.”

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”

The third fellow says, “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”

The first two guys were amazed. “Wow! What happened then?” they asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, “She said, “‘Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.”

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.Defense: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let the children play outside.Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disasterFeedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.Full name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

A couple returned from their honeymoon and it’s obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom’s best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.”Well,” replied the man “when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.””Oh, you shouldn’t worry about that too much,” said his friend.”I’m sure your wife will get over it soon enough – she can’t expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!”The groom nodded gently and said, “I don’t know if I can get over this though… She gave me $20 change!”