Category: relationships

The husband had just finished his book, “Man of the house.”

He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!

I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.

Then, after dinner you’re going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

His wife replied, “The funeral director.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by axelwang

2-SEATER PLANE crashd in a GRAVEYARD in PUNJAB…… LOCAL SARDARS have so far FOUND 500 BODIES n R still DIGGING for MORE…!!

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

“Yes, we’re fine. We’re living on the fruits of love.”

The old man replied, “I thought so … would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They’re choking the shit out of my ducks!”

“Will I be the first to do this to you?” he whispered to his bride on their wedding night. “Silly boy,” she said. “How could I know? You have not told me which position you are going to use!”

A deaf couple are on their honeymoon. The husband asks the wife in sign language “Honey, how would I tell you when I want to have sex?”. The wife replies in sign language, “if you want have sex bite my right nipple once, if you don’t want to have sex bite my left nipple twice”. Agreeing with this, the wife asks the same question to the husband. The husband replies “Honey, if you want to have sex pull my penis once, if you don’t want to have sex pull penis 27 times”.

Wife…lets go out and have fun tonight.

Husband…..okay! but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on.

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a
young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to
try counseling. They had been at each other’s throat for some time and
felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor’s
office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

“What seems to be the problem?” Immediately, the husband held his long
face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began
talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 5 – – 10 – – 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went
over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for
several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there
speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had
happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, “Your wife NEEDS that at
least twice a week!”

The husband scratched his head and replied, “I can have her here every
Tuesdays and Thursdays.”

My mother-in-law is like a fine French Impressionist painting. She’s very
lovely, but is best appreciated at a distance.

The married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation.

After a few days he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation.

Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend: “Take next plane for fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress.”

His friend was quick to wire back: “Your wife and I arriving tomorrow 11:30 a.m. “

“How long have you known about us?”

Submitted by Curtis
Editted by Calamjo

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl’s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor’s office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

“On a woman,” the doctor said, “your heart would be just below your left breast.”

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by BreeBrown

Yo sister so fat, she shops at Pigs’R’Us.

Doctor, doctor, my sister here keeps thinking she’s invisible.
Doctor: Which sister?