Category: relationships

The service was about to start. Everyone was in their pews chatting about their families, jobs, etc. when suddenly Satan appeared in the front of the church. Panic ensued. In their rush to get out the back doors, people jumped over pews, trampled one another, and flew through the doors at record speeds. When the dust settled the only ones in the auditorium are Satan and one older gentleman, who did not seem at all concerned that Satan was standing directly in front of him. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, “Do you know who I am?” To which the older gentleman replied, “Yup. Sure do.” Satan: “Aren’t you afraid of me?” Older gentleman: “Nope, sure ain’t.” Satan was quite perturbed at this so he got right in the man’s face and asked, “And would you mind telling me why not?” The older gentleman replied, “Been married to your sister for 48 years.”

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry.

Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship, “How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather hopefully.

“Oh, I like to have it infrequently,” she responded.

The old guy thought for a moment, then asked, “Was that one word or two?”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy. “What would you say if I told you that I’ve been sleeping with your best friend?” she asked provocatively. “Well,” he mused, “I’d have to say that you’re a lesbian!”

A violinist says to his wife, “Oh, baby, I can play you just like my violin.”

His wife replies, “I’d rather have you play me like a harmonica!”

A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her, her drink she says “it’s my birthday today and I’m on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday.”

The bartender says, “Well, since it’s your birthday I’ll buy you a drink in fact I’ll take care of this one for you.”

As the women finishes her drink the woman to her right says “I guess I should buy you a drink.”

The old woman says, “All right. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water.”

“All right,” says the bartender. As she finishes her drink the man to her right says, “Since I’m the only one around you that hasn’t bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy you one.”

The old woman says, “All right. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water.”

“Coming right up,” the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says, “Ma’am I’m dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?”

The old woman replies, “Sunny you learn that when your my age you can hold your liquor but you sure can’t hold your water.”

A couple gets married, and thirty years later they’re in the same hotel, in the same room. She takes off all her clothes, lies back on the bed, and spreads her legs.

Her husband starts to cry.

She says, “What’s the matter?”

He says, “Thirty years ago I couldn’t wait to eat it. Now it looks like it can’t wait to eat me.”

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.”You’ll get your chance in court,” said the Desk Sergeant.”No, no, no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

Ma and Pa where rocking on the front porch when Pa turned and slapped Ma.

Ma said, “What was that for?”

Pa said, “For forty years of bad sex.”

Ma said, “Oh,” and continued rocking.

Ma reached over and slapped Pa.

Pa said, “What was that for?”

Ma said, “For knowing the difference.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jake’s wife brought his lunch to him.

Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake’s old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jake’s minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, “Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?”

“Well,” Jake replied, “The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, “Is that mule for sale!?”

A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day.

He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him.

She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled,

“My husband’s home! My husband’s home!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown

“Darling,” she whispered after they had finished making love, “Will you still make love like that to me after we’re married ?”

He considered this for a moment, and then replied, “I think so.
I’ve always been especially fond of married women.”

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words “I do”.

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said, “WHAT??” So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I’m thinking, “What was her first clue?”

I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store… I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.

She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you …she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don’t think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn’t even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, “I’m ready to go, let’s go to the cash register.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No, honey. I don’t feel like buying all this stuff now.” You should have seen her face … it went completely blank. I then said, “Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.”

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man.”

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring thaw.