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A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede
their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked,
“relatives of yours?”
“Yep�, the husband replied, “In-laws�.
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. — Groucho Marx
The little boy asked his dad one evening, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
“I don’t know, son,” he said. “I’m still paying for it.”
After a complete physical exam, the doctor commented to his female patient, “I can’t explain it but your right breast is three times longer than your left one.”
She blushed and explained, “My husband loves to sleep with my right breast in his mouth.”
“As a matter of fact, I like to sleep the same way with my wife but both of her breasts are of normal size,” the doctor remarked.
“Well then, I guess you two don’t happen to have twin beds!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
My mother-in-law said to me, “I’ll dance on your grave.”
I said, “I hope you do. I’m being buried at sea.”
A salesman was trying to persuade a housewife to buy a life assurance policy.
“Just imagine, if your husband were to die,” he said. “What would you get?” “Oh
a sheepdog, I think,” replied the wife. “They’re so well behaved.”
The 5 toughest questions that women ask men, and the answers…
The questions are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been
pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,
thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to
have met you.” This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”)
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.” Inappropriate responses include:
A. I suppose so.
B. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
C. That depends on what you mean by love.
D. Does it matter?
E. Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!” Among the incorrect answers are:
A. Compared to what?
B. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
C. A little extra weight looks good on you.
D. I’ve seen fatter.
E. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: “Of course not!”
Incorrect responses include:
A. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question# 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is “Buy a
Corvette.”) No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an
hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
W: Why not, don’t you like being married?
M: Of course I do.
W: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
M: Okay, I’d get married again.
W: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
M: Yes, I would.
W: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
M: Where else would we sleep?
W: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
M: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
W: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
M: Of course not, Dear. She’s left-handed.
Jane was becoming frustrated with her husband’s insistence that
they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his
inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the
lamp–only to discover a cucumber in his hand.
Is this what you’ve been using on me for the past 10 years?!”
“Honey! Let me explain!”
“Why you sneaky bastard!” she screamed. “You impotent SOB!!”
“Speaking of sneaky!” he interrupted. “Maybe you’d care to
explain our 2 kids!!!”
Dear Abby,
My husband has cheated on me our entire marriage. He tells
everybody how much he loves me, but they all know what he’s
doing. He has many influential friends and they just pretend
it’s not happening because they want his help in big deals.
They’re so snowed by him that they avoid the whole issue. I know
I should be thankful that he is successful in his profession,
but now many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every time he
gets caught, he first denies it all, then admits that he was
wrong and begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for so
long, everyone in town knows he’s a cheater. I don’t know what to
do. Frustrated.
Dear Frustrated,
Why don’t you move to New York and run for the Senate?
Abby
A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when
his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw
his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bedside.
He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, “Don’t worry,
everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a
real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife
were unconscious, I named them for you.”
The husband was thinking to himself, “Oh no, what has he done now?” and said
with trepidation, “Well what did you name them?”
The brother replied, “I named the little girl Denise�.
The husband, relieved, said, “That’s a very pretty name! What did you come up
with for my son?”
The brother replied, “Denephew�.
A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.
The officer looked at the guy’s photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.
“Yes, please” she replied. “Tell him Mother didn’t come after all.”
A man comes home for a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to to their seperate beds however the man was not yet ready to slumber.
The man called over to his wife “My little boopey-boo, I’m lonely.”
So the women gets out of bed and crosses her room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says ” Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?”
The women gets up and enters the man’s bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.
The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says “Clumsy bitch.”