Category: relationships

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her
girlfriends one evening. Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my
husband! He’s going to really ticked if it’s not ready on time! she exclaimed
suddenly.
When she got home, she realized that she didn’t have enough time to go to the
supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg,
and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in
the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.
She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner.

To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. Darling, this is the
best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this
for me any old day.
Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband
the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.
You’re going to kill him! they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the table
playing bridge when one of the cronies said, You killed him! We told you that
feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there
so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?
The wife stoically replied, I didn’t kill him. He fell off the mantel while
he was licking his butt.

Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says
to the other, “How’s your sex life buddy?”

The other guy says, “Not too good. Every time me and my wife
have sex, she loses interest half-way through. It’s very
frustrating.”

The first guy says, “Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have
the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol
under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply
fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got
all excited, and couldn’t get enough. I wish I’d done it years
ago.”

The other guy says, “OK, I think I’ll try that.”

The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says,
“How did you get on with the starter pistol?”

The other guy says, “Don’t talk to me about starter pistols!
Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost
interest half way through, so I fired the starter pistol, just
like you said.”

The first guy says, “So what happened?”

The other guy says, “She bit my cock, shit in my face, and a man
came out of the closet with his hands up!”

A wife reaches her husband a silk handkerchief and asks him; “Doesn’t this belong to your secretary?”.

“Where did you find that?”, he stutters.

“I didn’t”, she answers.

“The mail man found it on your night-stand”.

This guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis.

After the second week, he made his move.

“No thank you,” she said politely. “This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I’m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.”

“That must be rather difficult,” the man replied.

“Oh, I don’t mind too much,” she said. “But, it has my husband pretty upset.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Where have you been?

One day, after having his dinner, a man decides to go
down to the local bar to buy cigarretts. In the bar,
he decides to order a drink and notices a beautiful
blonde giving him the eye. He decides to go over and
strike up a conversation. She invites the man over to
her apartment for sex and he agrees. They go and they
have the best sex he’s ever had. He then realizes that
it is very late and his wife is going to kill him. He
asks the blond if she has any talcum powder and she
hands him a bottle. He sprinkles powder all over his
hands and rushes home. His wife immediately attacks
him “Where the hell have you been? I thought you were
only going out for cigarretts?” The man replies,
“Honey, I’m sorry. I did go for cigarrettes, but then
I decided to have a drink. Next thing you know, this
real hot blond comes up to me and asks me over to her
place for sex. Only a real dumbass would have said no
to a hot piece like that, so I accepted, we got to her
place and had every kind of sex possible. I’m really
sorry, honey.” She notices the powder on his hands and
replies, “Do I look stupid to you, you son of a bitch?
I see the powder on you hands. You went out bowling
with the boys!!”

The man came home to find evidence that his wife had been unfaithful. “Was it my friend Steve?” he yelled.
“No,” she said.
“Was it my friend James?” he then asked.
“What?” she shouted. “Don’t you think I have any friends of my own?”

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.
The best man says, ”Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what’s up – you look so excited.”

The groom replies, ”I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.”

The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face.

The maid of honor notices this and says, ”Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what’s up, you look so excited.”

The bride replies ”I have just given the last blow job of my entire life.”

Leaving the wedding reception the honeymoon couple hailed a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills. The driver wasn’t too sure how to get there and said he would ask directions when they got closer.Meanwhile, the lovers couldn’t wait and got down to it on the back seat. Seeing a fork in the road the driver said, “I take the next turn, right?””No way, get your own,” said the groom, “this one’s all mine.”

Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon.
They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men’s game.

“Don’t they know their supposed to let us play through?” asked the first man. The other man shook his head. “I’m going to go ask them if we can play through,” said the first man, emphatically, “Enough is enough.”

He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.

“Oh God,” he said to his friend, “This is awful. You’re going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress.”

The other man shrugged, and said “No sweat.” He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said, “Small world!”

The scene – Husband and wife in bed.The story – Husband rolls over to wife and taps her in the shoulder. Wife says “Not tonight sweetheart I have a gynecologist appointment in the morning”.Five minutes elapses – Husband rolls over again and taps wife on the shoulder and says “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so he hired a famous Chinese detective, Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any activities that might develop.
A few days later he received this report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house. I watch house. He comes to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she get on train. I follow. He and she go in hotel.

I climb tree – look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip her. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with ME. Fall out of tree, not see.

NO FEE.

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and
clubs at his side.

She said, “What are your golf clubs doing here?”

He looked her right in the eye and said, “This isn’t going to take all day, is it?”