Category: relationships

After a few years of married life , this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works..
Finally the doctor says to him “this is all in your mind”, and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confess, ” I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.”

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.. The witch doctor tells , “I can cure this”, and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke ……… The witch doctor says “This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say ‘123’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!”

The guy then asks the witch doctor “What happens when it’s over?”

The witch doctor says “all you have to say is ‘1234’ and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!”

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news……. So, he is lying in bed with her and says “123”, and suddenly he gets an erection..

His wife turns over and says “What did you say ‘123’ for?

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.

When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

“Well,” said her mother, “So?”

“Oh, mama,” she replied, “The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic…”

Suddenly she burst out crying. “But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language, things I’d never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words!

You’ve got to take me home…, PLEASE MAMA!”

“Sarah, Sarah,” her mother said, “calm down,you need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful?

WHAT 4-letter words?”

“Please don’t make me tell you, mama,” wept the daughter, “I’m so embarrassed, they’re just too awful!

COME GET ME, PLEASE!!”

Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!”

Still sobbing, the bride said, “Oh, Mama…, he used words like:

dust,

wash,

iron,

cook…”

I’ll pick you up in twenty minutes,” said the mother

Submitted by sai1ram
Edited by Curtis

I am in total control, but don’t tell my wife.

A guy tells his wife that she has three choices. She can either go hunting with him, give him a blowjob, or he can butt fuck her.

The wive says, “I don’t want to go hunting because its cold out, and I’ve never been butt fucked before, so I think I’ll go with the blowjob.”

So she’s down there doing her thing and suddenly she says, “your dick tastes like shit!”

The guy says, “yeah, the dog didn’t want to go hunting either.”

An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash.

They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising.

When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi.

As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. “It’s free,” St. Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”

Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home was located on. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, “What are the green fees?”

St. Peter replied, “This is Heaven, you play for free.”

Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine’s of the World laid out.

“How much to eat?” asked the old man.

“Don’t you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!” St. Peter replied, with some exasperation. “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.

St. Peter lectured, “That’s the best part – you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”

With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly.

St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault! If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Yisman

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?” Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, Is your Daddy home?

“Yes”, whispered the small voice.

“May I talk with him?” the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the all voice whispered, “No.”

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”

“Yes”, came the answer. “May I talk with her?”

Again the small voice whispered, “no”.

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. “Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.

“Yes” whispered the child, “A policeman”.

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked “May I speak with the policeman”?

“No, he’s busy”, whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?, asked the boss. “Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman”, came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

“A hello-copper”, answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?”, asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper”

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, “Why are they there”?

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: “They’re looking for me”

1. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

2. It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

3. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was damned near impossible.

4. A man complaining to a friend: “I had it all – money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman … then …pow!…it was.. all gone!” “What happened?” asked the friend. “Ahhh my wife found out!

5. Wife: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

6. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

7. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, “Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!” Martha responds excitedly, “Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?!” The man responds, “I don’t care… just so long as you’re out of the house by noon!”

8. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful.

9. A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

10. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose would you go to lunch or to a movie?

11. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he’s finished.

* How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?
* Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too.
* Just leave all the lights on … it makes the house look more cheery.
* Let me smell that shirt. Yeah, it’s good for another week.
* Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll be glad to feed and walk him
every day.
* Well, if Timmy’s mom says it’s OK, that’s good enough for me.
* The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It’s not like I’m running a
prison around here.
* I don’t have a tissue with me. Just use your sleeve.
* Don’t bother wearing a jacket – the wind-chill is bound to improve.

Her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place, visited a
newlywed farmer and his wife. The Farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to
his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic
relationship.

To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes,
offering unwanted advice, and making life unbearable to the farmer and his new
bride.

While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up
and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and
greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a man would
whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something.
Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake
his head, no and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer
what that was all about. The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a
terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say, ‘Yes, it was.’ The men would
ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘can�t. It’s
all booked up for a year.’

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought
that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to God’s kids. After creating Heaven
and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was:
“Don’t.”
“Don’t what?” Adam replied.
“Don’t eat the forbidden fruit,” God said.
“Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve…we got Forbidden Fruit!”
“No way!”
“Yes WAY!”
“Don’t eat that fruit!” said God.
“Why?”
“Because I’m your Creator and I said so!” said God, wondering why he hadn’t
stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.
“Didn’t I tell you not to eat that fruit?” God asked.
“Uh huh,” Adam replied.
“Then why did you?”
“I dunno,” Eve answered.
“She started it!” Adam said.
“Did Not!”
“DID so!”
“DID NOT!!”
Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.

A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. — Guitry

A young man took a blind date to an amusement park.

They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.

“What would you like to do next?” he asked.

“I wanna be weighed,” she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. “One-twelve,” said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.

“I wanna be weighed,” she said.

I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.

The girl’s mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, “What’s wrong, dear, didn’t you have a nice time tonight?”

“Wousy!” said the girl.