Category: relationships

You’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as “Area 51?”

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot’s story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn’t a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying “you-did-not-see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane … only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!”

Lee: Our family’s descended from royalty.
Dee: King Kong?

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, “They’re all lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want.”

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man’s opinion.
“Well” said the man, ” She’s just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed.”

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
“Well,” the man replied, “She’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed.”

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, “She’s perfect, just perfect! She’s the one I want to marry!” So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

“Well,” explained the farmer, “She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her.”

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”

The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”

“Forget it, man. You don’t stand a snowball’s chance in *!#” of hitting her from here!”

Q: What’s the difference between a penis and a paycheck?

A: You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

A man was in a terrible car accident, and his “manhood” was mangled and literally torn from his body (Ouch!). He was quickly rushed to the hospital…

Doctor Schwartz assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood and even better than before! “But,” his doctor said, “the insurance companies don’t cover the surgery, since it is considered cosmetic.”

Doctor Schwartz explained that the cost would be $3,500.00 for the “small” version, $6,500.00 for the “medium,” and $14,000.00 for the “whopper.”

The man said that he was positive that he wanted the largest penis.

Doctor Schwartz strongly urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision, since she also should be asked about what actually would give her the most pleasure.

As the doctor left the room, the man quickly called his wife on the phone and explained all their options.

A little while later Doctor Schwartz returned to his patient’s room, and found the man looking quite dejected.

“Well, what have the two of you decided?” asked the Doctor.

The man somberly answered, “She decided that she’d rather use all of the money to remodel the kitchen!”

life wit a man is like a pack of cards u need a heart 2 love him a dimond 2 marrry him a club 2 smash his head in and a spade 2 berry him!!!!!!!!!

At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.
The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, “Midnight, just like I said.”

She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, “Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said ‘Shit!,’ cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling.”

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!

The genie said, “OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish.

The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?”

The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete..how much steel…! No. Think of another wish.”

The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, “I’ve been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women..know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment…know why they’re crying…know whatthey really want when they say, ‘Nothing’…know how to make them truly happy….”

The genie said, “You want that bridge two lanes or four?”

The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work: “I have
great news for you. Pretty soon we’re going to be three in this house instead of
two.”
The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said: “Oh
darling, I’m the happiest man in the world.”
But then she said: “I’m glad that you feel that way because tomorrow morning
my mother moves in with us.”

After a few years of married life , this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works..
Finally the doctor says to him “this is all in your mind”, and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confess, ” I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.”

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.. The witch doctor tells , “I can cure this”, and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke ……… The witch doctor says “This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say ‘123’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!”

The guy then asks the witch doctor “What happens when it’s over?”

The witch doctor says “all you have to say is ‘1234’ and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!”

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news……. So, he is lying in bed with her and says “123”, and suddenly he gets an erection..

His wife turns over and says “What did you say ‘123’ for?