Category: relationships

A wife’s was at her 5th late husband’s grave. She was crying,
but she got over her despair when a man came over to her.
“What’s happened?” He said. “My 5th husband died just 2 days
ago.” She said. “Oh, I’m quite sorry. How’d your 1st husband
die?” He said. “Poisonous mushrooms.” She replied.

After replying for a minute with the same answer. “So how did
this husband die?” He said, in a bored voice, after hearing
“Poisonous mushrooms” as an answer for the last 4 questions.
“Fractured skull” She said. “Oh my gosh! How?” He said. “He
wouldn’t eat my poisonous mushrooms.”

Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Man to wife: ”Boy, you are getting old, look at all the wrinkles you are getting!”

Wife: ”They aren’t wrinkles, they’re laugh lines!”

Man: ”Nothing is that freakin’ funny!!”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A man was complaining to a friend:

“I had it all; money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!”

“What happened?” asked the friend.

“My wife found out…”

I’m thinking about getting married.

I looked up the word “engaged” in the dictionary.

It said, “To do battle with the enemy.”

Then I looked up “mother-in-law.” It said, “See engaged.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Coming out of the shower i grab a towel and begin to dry my face. something
smells funny so i pull the towel off to investigate. staring me in the face is a
long, thick brown streak. my heart skips a beat as i realize i’ve just dried my
face in somebody’s fecal matter. further examination reveals brown spots all
over the towel.
completely grossed out i jump back into the shower and scrub three layers of
skin off my face.
after i’ve finished i go downstairs, towel in hand, to ask my wife how this
could happen. how could she allow the girls the freedom to wipe their asses in
the towels?
“oh,” she said, “that�s not poop. there was a brown crayon in the dryer and it
melted all over the towels.”
“what?” i stammer as relief floods over me. but then relief turns to
irritation. “why didn’t you rewash them? did you want to give me a heart attack?
i just scrubbed five pounds of flesh off my face thinking it was s***!”
“no, i just didn’t want to waste a wash cycle washing clean stuff.”
“but, honey,” i say slowly so she could understand, “it ain’t clean!”
“oh, you big baby, it’s only crayon.”
it’s only crayon… i tell you, i wasn’t even drinking but i nearly got s***
faced!

A man was seated next to a stiff-looking Baptist minister on a flight to Wichita. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The man asked for a whiskey and soda, which he got. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.
The minister replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips.”

The man then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “I didn’t know there was a choice.”

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator.

“What are you doing?”, asked the Mom.

“Mom I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband.”

The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. “What the hell are you doing?”, he asked.

His daughter replied, “I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I’ll ever get to a husband.”

The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.

The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, and the vibrator in the other hand, watching the football game.

“For Christ’s sake, what are you doing?” she cried.

The husband replied, “What does it look like I’m doing?
I’m having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!”

# 10: The computer keeps asking you to “Insert Setup Disk #3 to continue”

#9: There is no space left on the hard drive to store mission data.

#8: The computer refuses to interact with the Mir’s “Mr. Java” coffee maker.

#7: Millions of dollars are traced to phone calls to a Redmond, WA 900#.

#6: Mir astronauts are caught stealing RAM from other satellite’s computers to keep their system running.

#5: The Space Shuttle can no longer dock with Mir since “the proper driver cannot be found”

#4: The system locks up whenever the astronauts try to run life support, the solar panels and thrusters at the same time.

#3: The astronauts spend three days looking for Cyrillic version of the CTRL-ALT-DEL keys.

#2: Alien ships secretly observing Mir flee in terror.

#1: You start receiving welcoming e-mail from the Borg

A famer got up for breakfast, his wife was bent over at the kitchen table. The farmer said to his wife, “Honey, your but is bigger than a four row corn picker.”

The wife does not say anything. The farmer gets up after finishing his breakfast and heads out for the morning chores. Upon coming in for lunch his wife is bent over picking up something on the floor. The farmer says to his wife, “Ya know honey, I thought about it all morning and your butt is so big it is bigger than a 6 row corn picker.”

Once again, the farmers wife says nothing. The farmer leaves the lunch table to do his afternoon chores. At dinner he comes in and his wife is bent over at the kitchen sink doing dishes. The farmer says to his wife, “Honey I thought about it all afternoon. Your butt is so big it is bigger than an 8 row corn picker.”

Again, the wife says nothing. They have a nice dinner and she picks up the dishes and cleans the kitchen up. The farmer is in the livingroom when his wife enters and walks by him saying, “Honey, I am bushed. I think I am going to hit the sack.” The farmer gets up and starts to walk up the stairs behind his wife and get a little “Frisky.”

The farmers wife turns and looks at her husband and says, “If you think I am going to warm up this $100,000 piece of machinery for a half an ear of corn you gotto be kidden!”

“What’s your father’s occupation?” asked the school secretary on the first day
of the new term. “He’s a conjurer, Ma’am,” said the new boy. “How interesting.
What’s his favorite trick?” “He saws people in half.” “Golly! Now next question.
Any brothers and sisters?” “One half brother and two half sisters.”

Morris was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.
He turned to his wife Sherry, with a look of question on his face. “I’ll never understand why the biggest schmucks get the most attractive wives.”

His wife replies, “Why thank you, dear!”