Did you hear about the new men’s magazine that caters exclusively to married men?
It’s like Playboy or Penthouse magazine, except the centerfold is the same month after month after month…
Category: relationships
I Want To Be Weighed
The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park.
They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
“What would you like to do next?” he asked.
“I wanna be weighed,” she said.
So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.
“One-twelve,” said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.
Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
“I wanna be weighed,” she said.
I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girl’s mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, “What’s wrong, dear, didn’t you have a nice time tonight?”
“Wousy,” said the girl.
A quote on marriage
Joint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw.
Wife or Country?
The CIA is hiring and is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately.
The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him:
“Do you love your wife?”
“Yes I do, sir.”
“Do you love your country?”
“Yes I do, sir.”
“What do you love more, your wife or your country?”
“My country, sir.”
“Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her.”
The man says to the interviewer, “I can’t do that. I guess that disqualifies me doesn’t it.”
The interviewer tells him yes but that the gun is filled with blanks. The agency would never ask you to do a thing like that. He is disappointed but hands the gun back, gets up and politely leaves.
The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same.
The interviewer gives him the gun, and tells him to go kill his wife.
The guy goes into the room. All is quiet for about five minutes. He comes back, puts the gun down and says “I can’t do it. Am I disqualified?”
The interviewer tells him yes. The man leaves quietly.
The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife.
The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes.
The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table.
The interviewer looks at him and asks “What happened?!?!”
“The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!”
Just reading
A married couple is lying in bed one night.
The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.
As he’s reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits.
He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, gets up and starts stripping in front of him.
The husband is confused and asks, Why are you taking off your clothes?
His wife replies, You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay.
The husband says, No, not at all.
His wife asks angrily, Well, what the hell were you doing then?
I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
To the wall
to the wall to the test
_____________ and_____________
(persons name) (persons name)
had some sex
oh they did there best
oh sce sce sce sce sce sce
oh sce sce ha ha
Fill up the plate
My wife chewed me out at the company picnic a while back.
“Doesn’t it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?”
“Not a bit,” I replied. “I just tell them I’m filling up the plate for you!”
Lost Wife
A Mainer was out in a rowboat with his wife when she fell overboard. Despite his best efforts, he couldn’t find her, so he rowed back home.
Next day, his friend showed up at the dock and said, “Clyde, I found your wife. She got tangled up in my trap lines and she’s got thirty lobsters sticking to her. What should I do?”
“Quick, pull off the lobsters and set her again!”
The ugly kid!
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenage daughters. The parents decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife became pregnant, and sure enough, nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.
“Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.”
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, “Have you been fooling around on me?!”
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, “Not this time.”
A quote on marriage
A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
MOTHER’S DICTIONARY
AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have
sex again.
BOTTLE FEEDING: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am too.
DEFENSE: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let de
children play outside.
DROOLING: How teething babies wash their chins.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert?
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to
keep you on the edge of financial disaster
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained
carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though
they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word?
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we
say.
LOOK OUT! What it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream
it
PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.
PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: A contradiction in terms.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes
into it.
SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your
last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it
STOREROOM: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that
children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.
TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the
children.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman
jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to
make those familiar grunting noises.
VERBAL: Able to whine in words
WEAKER SEX: The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.
WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.
WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge.”
But be reasonable
In the middle of night, a wife woke her husband, “Darling, it’s so cold!”
The husband jumped out of the bed, brought one more blanket from a closet and
carefully tucked it around his wife’s body. After a while, the wife woke him
once again, “My dear, it’s so hot here.” The husband jumped out of bed and
rushed to open a window. In a few minutes the wife woke him one more time and
said, “My love, I want a man.”
“But be reasonable,” the husband said. “Where can I find a man in the middle
of night?”