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After an argument with his wife, a man stalked out of the house. He returned a few hours later to find his wife packing a suitcase. He angrily asked her where she was going.
“I’m moving to Las Vegas. I can make $400-500 there doing what I give you for free.”
The man thought about this for a moment, then pulled out his own suitcase and began packing. His wife asked where HE was going.
“I’m going to Las Vegas, too. I want to see how you manage to live on $800 a year!”
Men should never marry a woman for her beauty alone. That is rather like buying a house just because you like the way it’s painted.
My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, and so made sure that she would stay, in better spirits night and day.
My opinions are my wife’s, and she says I’m damn lucky to have them.
My other wife is beautiful.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding; I don’t try to run her life and I don’t try to run mine.
My wife doesn’t care what I do away from home, as long as I don’t enjoy it.
My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.
My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gawd, I miss him!
My wife says if I go fishing one more time she’s going to leave me. Gosh, I’m going to miss her.
My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.
Not all men are fools. Some are bachelors.
Nowadays, the only place a single woman can find the best man is at a wedding.
One of the safest ways to assure a happy marriage is to be sure that the wife is a treasure and the husband a treasury.
Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whiskey makes you Frisky, but it’s a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you Pregnant.
Remember, is it as easy to marry a rich woman as a poor woman.
Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel they’re entitled to a little fun first.
Say to the groom, “Your bride will now expect a mink.” Then to the bride, “You know how women get minks? …the same way minks get minks!”
She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.
Sign in a marriage counselor’s window: “Out To Lunch, Think It Over.”
Single people die earlier. Marriage is healthier. If you’re looking for a long life and a slow death, get married.
Some women marry men thinking they’d be real comforters, only to discover they were merely wet blankets.
Sorry I can’t make your wedding, I’m half full under the table.
Sorry I cannot be at wedding…please send me a photo of the bride and groom mounted.
Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one’s wife’s relatives.
Take an interest in your husband’s activities: hire a detective.
Take heed from those who know Tie you nightie to your toes Close your eyes, hold your nose Then see how it goes…
The average person’s life consists of 20 years of their mother asking them where they’re going, 40 years of having their spouse ask the same question, and in the end, all the mourners wonder, too.
The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is high and sustained.
The cooing stops with the honeymoon; the billing goes on forever.
The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.
Several months ago, there was a major crisis at the New York Zoo. The male gorilla died and the female missed her mate so much, she stopped eating. This persisted for several days and the keepers became very concerned. So, the made inquiries to other zoos to see if they could get a “loaner” male to console the female.
They had no success in finding a loaner. As a consequence they wound up recruiting a hairy chested Italian construction worker. At first he did not want to do it, but they pointed out what a valuable and important service he would be rendering.
Finally, he said, “All right, I will do it on 3 conditions:
1. I don’t have to kiss her.
2. Nobody gets to watch.
3. The kids will all be raised Catholic.
The research worker, conducting a sex survey, phoned one of the husbands whose completed form was spread out before him.
“Mr. Pullman, there seems to be some discrepancies between the answers of you and your wife to the same question.
For example, under ‘Frequency of Intercourse’ you wrote ‘Three times a week’ and your wife ‘Three times a night’.”
“Well, that’s right,” replied the husband, “but that’s only until we have paid off the mortgage on the house.
“I’m going fishing.”
Really means
“I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”
“Let’s take your car.”
Really means
“Mine is full of beer cans and burger wrappers and is completely out of gas.”
“Woman driver.”
Really means
“Someone who doesn’t speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me.”
“I don’t care what color you paint the kitchen.”
Really means
“As long as it’s not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray,
mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white.”
“It’s a guy thing.”
Really means
“There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”
“Can I help with dinner?”
Really means
“Why isn’t it already on the table?”
“Uh huh,” “Sure, honey,” or “Yes, dear.”
Really mean
Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response like Pavlov’s dog drooling.
“Good idea.”
Really means
“It’ll never work. And I’ll spend the rest of the day gloating.”
“Have you lost weight?”
Really means
“I’ve just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill.”
“My wife doesn’t understand me.”
Really means
“She’s heard all my stories before and is tired of them.”
“It would take too long to explain.”
Really means
“I have no idea how it works.”
“I’m getting more exercise lately.”
Really means
“The batteries in the remote are dead.”
“I got a lot done.”
Really means
“I found ‘Waldo’ in almost every picture.”
“We’re going to be late.”
Really means
“Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.”
“Hey, I’ve read all the classics.”
Really means
“I’ve been subscribing to Playboy since 1972.”
“You cook just like my mother used to.”
Really means
“She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.”
“I was listening to you. It’s just that I have things on my mind.”
Really means
“I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.”
“Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.”
Really means
“I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”
“That’s interesting, dear.”
Really means
“Are you still talking?”
“Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love.”
Really means
“I forgot our anniversary again.”
“You expect too much of me.”
Really means
“You want me to stay awake.”
“It’s a really good movie.”
Really means
“It’s got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear.”
“That’s women’s work.”
Really means
“It’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.”
“Will you marry me?”
Really means
“Both my roommates have moved out, I can’t find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.”
“Go ask your mother.”
Really means
“I am incapable of making a decision.”
“You know how bad my memory is.”
Really means
“I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”
“I was just thinking about you and got you these roses.”
Really means
“The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”
“Football is a man’s game.”
Really means
“Women are generally too smart to play it.”
“Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself, it’s no big deal.”
Really means
“I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”
“I do help around the house.”
Really means
“I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.”
“Hey, I’ve got my reasons for what I’m doing.”
Really means
“And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”
“I can’t find it.”
Really means
“It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”
“What did I do this time?”
Really means
“What did you catch me at?”
“What do you mean, you need new clothes?”
Really means
“You just bought new clothes 3 years ago.”
“She’s one of those rabid feminists.”
Really means
“She refused to make my coffee.”
“But I hate to go shopping.”
Really means
“Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse.”
“No, I left plenty of gas in the car.”
Really means
“You may actually get it to start.”
“I’m going to stop off for a quick one with the guys.”
Really means
“I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions.”
“I heard you.”
Really means
“I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping
desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”
“You know I could never love anyone else.”
Really means
“I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”
“You look terrific.”
Really means
“Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit. I’m starving.”
“I brought you a present.”
Really means
“It was Free Ice Scraper Night at the ball game.”
“I missed you.”
Really means
“I can’t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.”
“I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are.”
Really means
“No one will ever see us alive again.”
“We share the housework.”
Really means
“I make the messes, she cleans them up.”
“This relationship is getting too serious.”
Really means
“I like you more than my truck.”
“I recycle.”
Really means
“We could pay the rent with the money from my empties.”
“Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful.”
Really means
“Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?”
“It sure snowed last night.”
Really means
“I suppose you’re going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.”
“It’s good beer.”
Really means
“It was on sale.”
“I don’t need to read the instructions.”
Really means
“I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.”
“I’ll fix the garbage disposal later.”
Really means
“If I wait long enough you’ll get frustrated and buy a new one.”
“I’ll take you to a fancy restaurant.”
Really means
“Someplace that doesn’t have a drive-thru window.”
“I broke up with her.”
Really means
“She dumped me.”
A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an incredible set of jugs.
He says, “Give me two pickets to Titsburgh…umm…I mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh”. He’s really embarrassed…
The guy in line behind him says, “Relax, pal. We all make Freudian slips like that.
Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to my wife, `Please pass the sugar’, but I accidentally said…
`You fucking bitch, you wrecked my life!”
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.
She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.
“What’s wrong with you?” she asked him.
“Remember when your father caught us fooling around when you were 16?” he replied. “And remember, he said, I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison.”
Baffled, she said, “yes, I remember. So?”
“Well…I would have gotten out today!”
The three stages of marital sex:
Honeymoon sex: This is where you have sex three or four times a night.
Vacation sex: This is where you have sex, ten, or twelve times a year.
Oral sex: This is where you stand on the opposite side of the room from your spouse and yell, “FUCK YOU.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
what do you call a fat man geting a hot girl?
the day pigs fly.
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
“Sidney thought of everything,” she told them. “Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. ‘Tillie,’ he told me, ‘I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace’.”
“What was in the envelopes?” her friends asked.
“The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, ‘Please use this money to buy a nice casket.’ So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.”
“The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, ‘Please use this for anice funeral ‘I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending.”
“And the third envelope?” asked her friends.
“The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, ‘Please use this to buy a nice stone.'”
Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said…
“So, do you like my stone?” showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.
My dad once stopped a man ill-treating a donkey.
It was a case of brotherly love.
Did you hear about the new men’s magazine that caters exclusively to married men?
It’s like Playboy or Penthouse magazine, except the centerfold is the same month after month after month…