Category: relationships

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words “I do”.

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said, “WHAT??” So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I’m thinking, “What was her first clue?”

I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store… I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.

She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you …she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don’t think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn’t even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, “I’m ready to go, let’s go to the cash register.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No, honey. I don’t feel like buying all this stuff now.” You should have seen her face … it went completely blank. I then said, “Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.”

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man.”

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring thaw.

One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers “God
bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa.”

Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot
about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or
two later the father heard his son saying his prayers again “God
bless Mommy and Daddy. Goodbye Grammy.”

The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting
more than a little worried about the whole situation. Two weeks
later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. “God
Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy.”

This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn’t say
anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would
miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner.
Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he
got home he apologized to his wife. “I am sorry Honey. I had a
very bad day at work today.” “You think you’ve had a bad day?
YOU THINK YOU’VE HAD A BAD DAY!?”, the wife yelled, “The mailman
dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!”

“They say that people with opposite characteristics make the best marriage.” “That’s why I’m looking for a girl with money.”

***

Insurance man: “Now that you’re married, I suppose you’ll want more insurance.”

Bridegroom: “Na, I don’t think she’s dangerous.”

***

Two friends who hadn’t seen each other in years met at a party. After exchanging small talk, they began discussing their lives. “You know, I never really knew the meaning of happiness until I got married,” one man said.

“I know exactly how you feel,” the other said, nodding. “But by that time it was too late.”

***

Some husbands are real comforters, while others are wet blankets.

***

Wives have terrible memories. They never forget anything.

Two friends, a white guy and a black guy, both work together.

The white guy came in late one morning and his black friend asks where he had been.

The white guy says, “My wife gives me good sex every night and she kept me up really late last night.”

The black guy says “I can’t get my wife to have sex with me, no matter what! How do you do it?”

The white guy says, “I read her poetry every night.”

His black friend then asks, “What kind of poetry?”

The white guy replies, “Blondie, blondie, eyes so blue, how I want to make love to you.”

Then the white guy tells his friend to go home and try it – it’s a sure thing!

The next morning the black guy was about 2 hours late. When he comes in, he has a black eye and his arm is in a sling.

The white man asks, “What happened?!”

The black man says, “Man, don’t ever speak to me again!”

The curious white man asks, “Well, what did you say to her?”

The black man replies, ‘Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog, bend over bitch, and take it like a dog!!”

Jill tells her husband, “Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.Now, why can’t you do that?””Gosh,” Jack says, “why I hardly know the girl.”

A Doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast.

The Doctor, clearly miffed, blurts to his wife, “You aren’t so good in bed either!” and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home.

After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answers the phone. “What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?”

“I was in bed.”

“What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?”

“I was getting a second opinion.”

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband’s lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.

“I demand proper manners in bed,” she declared, “just as I do at the dinner table!”

Amused by his wife’s formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. “Is that better?” he asked, with a hint of a smile.

“Yes,” replied the girl, “much better.”

“Very good, darling,” the husband whispered.
“Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy.”

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.

“Does your wife ever…well, you know…does she…well, let you do it doggie style?” asked one of the two.

“Well, not exactly,” his friend replied, “She’s more into the trick dog aspect of it.”

“Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?”

“Well, not exactly. Whenever I make a move, she’s most likely to roll over and play dead.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

I had to take my son’s hamster to the vet. Here’s what happened: Just after
dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one
of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me.
“Oldest trick in the book,” I informed him. “You go in to see what’s wrong
with the sick one and the other one sneak up behind you and bonks you on the
head. Then they change into your clothes and escape.”
“I’m serious, Dad. Can you help?”
I put a hamster-healer expression on my face and followed him into his
bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking
distressed. I immediately knew what to do. “Honey,” I called, “come look at the
hamster!”
“Oh, my gosh,” my wife diagnosed after a minute. “She’s having
babies.”
“What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie!”
I was equally outraged. “Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t
want them to reproduce,” I accused my wife.
“Well, what did you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?” she inquired
sarcastically.
“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her.
“Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed.
“Well, it was a little hard to tell,” she informed me.
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. “Kids, this is going to be a wondrous
experience,” I announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.”
“Gross!” they shrieked.
“Great; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?”
my wife wanted to know.
“Well, when my parents’ dog had puppies, I took them up to the grocery store
in a cardboard box and gave them away,” I recalled.
“So what are you going to do, go up with a pair of tweezers so people can pick
out their hamster?” she asked.
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot
would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. “We don’t appear to be
making much progress,” I noted.
“A breech birth,” my wife whispered, horrified.
“Do something, Dad!” my son urged.
“Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried again, with the same
results.
“Should I dial 911?” my daughter wanted to know. “Maybe they could
talk us through it.”
“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. “Breathe, Ernie,
breathe,” he urged.
“I don’t think hamsters do Lamaze,” I told him.
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal
through a magnifying glass. “What do you think, Doc, an epidural?” I suggested
scientifically.
“Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may
I speak to you privately for a moment?”
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. “Is Ernie going to be okay?” my
wife asked.
“Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us. “This hamster is not in labor. In fact,
that isn’t EVER going to happen….Ernie is a boy.”
“What?”
“You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity,
male hamsters will, ah…” He blushed, glancing at my wife. “Well, you know what
I’m saying, Mr. Cameron.”
We were silent, absorbing this. “So Ernie’s just…just…”
“Excited?” my wife offered.
“Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my wife started to giggle. “What’s so funny?” I demanded.
Tears were now running down her face. “Just…that…I’m picturing you pulling
on it�s…it�s…” she gasped.
“That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the veterinarian and hurriedly bundled
the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to
be okay.
“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you’ve done, Dad,” he told me.
“Oh, you have no idea,” my wife agreed, collapsing into laughter as I gave her
a dirty look.

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.

The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars.

The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.

Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for.

“No problem,” said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy.

“For my last wish … I’d like to give birth to twins.”

The husband had just finished his book, “Man of the house.”

He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!

I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.

Then, after dinner you’re going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

His wife replied, “The funeral director.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by axelwang

2-SEATER PLANE crashd in a GRAVEYARD in PUNJAB…… LOCAL SARDARS have so far FOUND 500 BODIES n R still DIGGING for MORE…!!