Category: relationships

At 3am a wife wakes up and notices that her husband is not in bed. So, she goes downstairs to look for him and finds him sitting at the kitchen table, with a big tumbler of scotch in front of him. After he takes a drink, she notices that he wipes away a tear from his eye. She rushes to his side, kneels down beside him, holding his hand she says, “hony, what is wrong”?. He says, “do you remember when we started dating when you were sixteen years old”?. The wife replys, yes. He says, “do you remember when your dad caught us having sex in the back of my car”?. The wife replys, yes. He says, “do you remember when your dad stuck that shotgun in my face and told me that I either marry you or he would have me put in jail for twenty years”?. “yes, I remember that too, says the wife. The husband takes another drink, wipes away another tear, looks her in the eye and says, “well, I would have gotten out today”.

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”

“Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life,” her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So, why’s the groom wearing black?”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman “Give me six double vodkas.”

The barman says “Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day.”

“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender says “Geez! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”.

“Yeah, my wife…”

Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. — John Lyly

December 14, 1972

My dearest darling John:

Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real
Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure.
Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.

My love always,
Agnes

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December 15, 1972

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two
turtle doves. I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.

All my love,
Agnes

=========================================================
December 16, 1972

Dear John:

Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don’t
deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just
darling but I must insist, you’ve been too kind.

All my love,
Agnes

=========================================================
December 17, 1972

Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they
are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough. You are
being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes

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December 18, 1972

Dearest John:

What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings,
one for every finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my
nerves.

All my love,
Agnes

========================================================
December 19, 1972

Dear John:

When I opened the door today there were actually six geese
laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again huh?
These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors
are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket. Please
stop.

Cordially,
Agnes

========================================================
December 20, 1972

John:

What’s with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a
swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There’s bird poop all
over the house and they never stop the racket. I can’t sleep at
night and I’m a nervous wreck. It’s not funny. So stop those
freaking birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes

=========================================================
December 21, 1972

O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with
8 maids a milking? It’s not enough with all those birds and 8
maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is
manure all over the lawn and I can’t move in my own house. Just
lay off me, smartass.

Agnes

=========================================================
December 22, 1972

Hey Shithead:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there’s nine pipers
playing. And Christ do they play. They’ve never stopped chasing
those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are
getting upset and they’re stepping all over those screeching
birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a
petition to evict me.

You’ll get yours !
Agnes

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December 23, 1972

You rotten prick:

Now there’s ten ladies dancing. I don’t know why I call those
sluts ladies. They’ve been balling those pipers all night long.

Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea. My living
room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has
subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn’t be
condemned.

I’m calling the police on you !
Agnes

=========================================================
December 24, 1972

Listen Fuckhead:

What’s with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and
ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers
ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the
cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They’ve been
trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you’re satisfied, you
rotten vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy,
Agnes

=========================================================
December 25, 1972

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers
fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss
Agnes McHolstein.

The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should
come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss
McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been
instructed to shoot you on sight.

With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,
Law Offices of Badger Bender & Chole

Oh husband, dear husband, I tremble with fear; You’ve been on overtime almost all year; And since you are gone till way late at night, A good piece of ass seems way out of sight.

Oh husband, dear husband, please don’t be a fool; Working overtime is wasting your tool; For better it is to be poor all your life, Than bring a soft peter home to your wife;

I used to be happy as your little queen, But now every night you’re nowhere to be seen; You come home from work just able to creep,
I feel like screwing, but you want to sleep.

Each evening, dear husband, you crawl into bed, Your intentions are good, but your peter is dead; I play with your pecker all wrinkled and dry,
I get so damn mad, I could lay down and cry.

I have pleaded with you dear, with tears in my eyes, I’ve played with your balls, but your pecker won’t rise; So I’ll find me a man who works eight hours a day, And while you’re at work, we’ll proceed to make hay.

For in this whole world there is only one sin, For which there’s no pardon, and never has been; And that is a man who is so foolish and mean, That he gives up his screwing to run a machine.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Clark Kent

A couple returned from their honeymoon and it’s obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom’s best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.

“Well,” replied the man “when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.”

“Oh, you shouldn’t worry about that too much,” said his friend.

“I’m sure your wife will get over it soon enough – she can’t expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!”

The groom nodded gently and said, “I don’t know if I can get over this though… She gave me $20 change!”

Husband: Honey, if I died, would you get remarried?
Wife: Well, I suppose so.

Husband: Would you and he sleep in the same bed?
Wife: I guess we would.

Husband: Would you make love to him?
Wife: He would be my husband then, dear.

Husband: Would you give him my golf clubs?
Wife: No…He’s left handed.

After Christmas Tom and Harry were at work talking about what they bought thier wives for Christmas. Tom says “I got my wife a 3 carat diamond ring and a brand new BMW”. Harry asked “if you got her a 3 carat diamond ring then why did you get a BMW”.”So if she didn’t like the ring I knew that she would like the BMW” said Tom, “well what did you get your wife?” Harry replies “well I got her a pair of flip flops and a dildo”.Tom laughs and askes “why did you get her a dildo?””Well so if she didn’t like the flip flops she could go screw herself”

Wife to Husband: “You know you remind me of the ocean !”

Husband: “Do you mean, wild and untamed?”

Wife: No, you make me sick!

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Q. How many honest, caring, intelligent men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

A. Both of them

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

A woman was lonely so she posted an add in the newspaper that
said ” I want a man who cant choke me, cant run away from me and
has good sex.” then 2 weeks later a guy with no arms,and no legs
came and said “im the man youve been waiting for honey!” then
she says how do you fit the description???'” and he said “well i
have no arms so i cant choke you and i have no legs so i cant
run away from you” then she said” well how do i know you have
good sex” and he said “how do you think i open the door”