Category: relationships

A woman,being very upset that her husband had just died,paid a visit to the funeral home to view the body before the funeral. Upon seeing the husband laid out in the casket in a brown suit,she remembered he always hated the color brown.She told the undertaker of this and somewhat apologized for being such a pain but would they take care of it and put on the blue suit. The undertaker agreed and she left the building. Remembering she forgot her sunglasses,she returned to the building,and upon entering was just in time to hear the undertaker yell out:
“Hey Joe, switch the heads in caskets 3 and 5 !”

15> “I, Anna Nicole Smith, promise to love, honor and cherish….”

14> When the priest asks if anyone objects to the marriage, the bride’s hand is the first one up.

13> The best man’s shroud and scythe don’t seem to match the maid of honor’s taffeta.

12> Cold feet like you wouldn’t believe!

11> His tux jacket zips up the back and the pants are missing altogether.

10> I’d say his sleeping with the maid of honor just about guaranteed it.

9> The cake topper is a tiny little bride and a tiny little headstone.

8> Your bachelor party: Coronas until you passed out in your underpants.
His bachelor party: coroners until he was passed off to the undertaker.

7> A botched ring exchange sends everyone to the floor to look for his finger.

6> He’s either dead or he’s been taking dancing lessons from Al Gore.

5> He started to lose that “new husband smell” right after the vows.

4> The bride is using his nail beds as her “something blue.”

3> His groomsmen keep stubbing out their cigars on him.

2> He doesn’t even wince as his testicles are removed at the altar.

1> His vow? “… to love, honor and decay….”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

Two friends are shopping in a drugstore when one of them tells the other, “My husband says this brand here is the most effective ointment for hemorrhoids on the market today.”

“How does he know this for sure though?” asked the other woman.

“Because besides being my husband who thinks he’s always right, he’s also an asshole himself.”

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men.

It only seems longer.

A newlywed bride and groom had been busy at ‘it’ for three days straight.

The groom arose early and was reading the paper, thinking it was time to do something else.

When his bride woke up, he said, “Honey would you like to see Oliver Twist?”

His bride replied, “You show me one more trick with that thing and I’m going home to mother!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

In answer to the question “What’s wrong?”The wife says: The same old thing.The wife means: Nothing.The wife says: Nothing.The wife means: Everything.The wife says: Nothing, really.The wife means: It’s just that you’re an idiot.The wife says: I don’t want to talk about it.The wife means: I’m still building up steam.

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick, so she proceeded to find herself a rich 75-year-old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.

When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs.

Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, “What are those for?”

The elderly groom replied, “There are two things I can’t stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber.”

Happiness is defined as opening your refrigerator to find your mother-in-law’s
picture on the milk carton.

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if they were all right.

He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

“Yes, we’re fine. We’re living on the fruits of love.”

The old man replied, “I thought so…would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window…they’re choking my ducks!”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman

“Oh, Laura!” cried her neighbor, “I’m so very sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. He was such a wonderful man. I’m sure he left you well provided for, didn’t he?”

Laura dabbed at her eyes and muttered, “Yes, he was a very caring husband and he left me almost half a million dollars in his will. I miss him so much that I’d give fifty thousand just to have him back!”

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with some house repairs after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe’s place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the repairs, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he’d started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn’t be better. Bob thought he’d give it a go.

When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Bob was confused and asked why she was crying.

She said, “This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!”

I think the worst thing a wife can ever do is make fun of her husband’s sexual prowess.

Like my wife was talking to our neighbor when he asked her “What made you decide to marry John?”

My dear wife said, “Because of my hobby — I collect miniatures.”