Category: relationships

A man will pay $2 for an item that costs $1 if he wants it. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want because it’s on sale.

A woman worries about he future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find that man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and don’t expect to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man can forget his past mistakes: there’s no reason for two people to keep track of the same things.

A woman marries a man expecting him to change, and he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting her not to change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

My wife doesn’t care what I do away from home, as long as I don’t enjoy it.

One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, “You should be hung.”

I calmly replied, “I am. That’s why she cuts the grass.

One guy asks another:
“Did you have a chance to sleep with my wife yet?”
“What are you saying? I would never even think about such things.”
“Well. You might want to. She is much better, then yours.”

There were four buddies golfing and the first guy said, “I had
to promise my wife that I would paint the whole outside of the
house just to go golfing.”

The second guy said, “I promised my wife that I would remodel
the kitchen for her.”

The third guy said, “You guys have it easy! I promised my wife
that I would built her a new deck.”

They contuined to play the hole. Then the first guy said to the
fourth guy, “What did you have to promise your wife?” The fourth
guy replied, “I didn’t promise anything.”

All the guys were shocked, “How did you do it?!” He replied,
“It’s simple. I set the alarm clock for 5:30. Then I poked my
wife and asked, ‘Golf course or intercourse?’ And she said,
‘Wear your sweater.'”

In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes. – Elizabeth Ashley

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. – Jim Backus

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. – Honore de Balzac

Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. – Ray Bandy

Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. – Baskins

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor’s sixth husband. I know what I’m supposed to do, but I don’t know how to make it interesting. – Milton Berle, when called to the microphone at the 2nd Annual Comedians Hall of Fame Inductions

Love: a temporary insanity often curable by marriage. – Ambrose Bierce

The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity. – Ambrose Bierce

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. – David Bissonette

Ah Mozart! He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t. – Borge

In the blithe days of honeymoon, With Kate’s allurements smitten, I lov’d her late, I lov’d her soon, And call’d her dearest kitten.

But now my kitten’s grown a cat, And cross like other wives. O! By my soul my honest Mat, I fear she has nine lives. – James Boswell “Life of Johnson”

A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle. – Boudelaire

For a male and female to live continuously together is…biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural condition. – Robert Briffault

My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her. – Lenny Bruce

Never tell. Not if you love your wife… In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she’ll believe it: “I’m tellin’ ya.” This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck ‘Lay on Top of Me Or I’ll Die.’ I didn’t know what I was gonna do…” – Lenny Bruce

Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back. – Al Bundy

Nothing says lovin’ like marrying your cousin! – Al Bundy

Once a boy becomes a man, he’s a man all his life, but a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife. – Al Bundy

I hate work. That’s why I got married. – Peg Bundy

I just want what every married woman wants, someone besides her husband to sleep with. – Peg Bundy

The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein’ big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong. – Archie Bunker

In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved. – Butler

If you are afraid of loneliness, don’t marry. – Chekhov

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. – G. K. Chesterton

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. – Agatha Christie

The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. – S. T. Coleridge

A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding night, she tells each one to write back about their married life.

To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to use newspaper advertisements as a ‘code’ to let the mother know how their love lives are going.

The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: ‘Maxwell House Coffee’.

The mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell House advertisement, and it says, ‘Satisfaction to the last drop…’

So the mother is happy.

Then the second daughter gets married.

After a week, there was a message that read: ‘Rothman’s Mattresses’.

So the mother looks at the Rothman’s Mattresses ad, and it says, ‘Full size, king size’.

And the mother is happy.

Then it comes to the third one’s wedding. Mother is anxious.

After four weeks came the message: ‘British Airways’. And the mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she fainted.

The ad reads: ‘Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.’

After the lavish wedding reception, the newlyweds retired to their Honeymoon
Suite.

The groom turned down the lights and found some nice CDs to stack on the player.
Then he excused himself and returned in pajamas and robe. He opened a bottle of
champagne and poured them each a drink, unaware that his new bride had already
had more than enough to drink.

Finally, he took the girl of his dreams, whom he had wed after a whirl-wind
courtship, by the hand and tenderly began to lead her towards the bedroom.

“Damn !” she muttered, “every stinking time I go out with a guy it always ends
up the same way!”

An older couple had been dating for some time when they decided
to get married.
They dicussed all the nessary issues: living arrangements,
payments, hoildays and of course the big day.
With alot of hesitation the man finally came out with his
question. “what about sex??” he asked hopefully.
The women replied.”i would have to say infrequently”
The man replied is that with one word or two??!!

If you constantly hear a married man brag about how he runs everything around the house, you can be sure that he is referring to the lawn mower, the car, the errands, and the baby carriage.

Three wives are boasting to their husbands how they won a lot of money on
horse races:
– Easy! We’ve just added our bra numbers: 4, 3 and 4, bet on horse #11 and
won! Husbands went to the races, too.
– How many times do you love your wife a night?
– Two.
– Three.
– Four.
In the evening they came back home angry and said:
– We bet all our money on horse #9. And we lost!!! First was #3!
Moral: Never lie.

A Russian, an Italian and an Irishman got out of work and were deciding where to go for a drink. The Irishman said “Let’s all go to O’Learys. With every third round, the bartender will give each of us a free Guiness.” The Italian said “That sounds good, but if we go to Baldini’s with every third round they bring a free bottle of wine to the table.” The Russian said “That sounds fine but if we go to Gouvstof’s we drink for free all night and then go out into the parking lot and get laid.” “That sounds to good to be true!” the Irishman exclaimed. “Have you actually been there?” “No,” the Russian replied, “but my wife goes there all the time.”