Category: relationships

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young
woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and
confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked
what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy
was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one day
the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came
into the shop and said, “I’ll be 16 tomorrow.”

“I know,” said the butcher with a smile, “I’ve been counting
too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home,
that it is the last free meat she’ll get, and watch the
expression on her face.”

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded
and said, “Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also
had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16
years and watch the expression on HIS face!”

On the first night of Sheila’s and George’s vacation in a small town in France, Sheila suggested that they make love each time the old night watchman rang his hourly bell.

At first George seemed delighted at the prospect, but after four rings he pretended to go out for a quick snack and staggered off to the watchman’s tower.

“Excuse me, but could I possibly persuade you to ring the bell every other hour instead of hourly? I’ll give you some money.”

“Normally I would be happy to oblige you, but I cannot. A beautiful young lady has already bribed me to ring the bell every quarter hour.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of size 8 tie shoes. The
salesman says, “But, sir, I can see from up here you’re at least a size 11.”
The guy says, “Just bring me a size 8 tie shoe.”
The salesman brings them, the guy stuffs his feet into them, ties them tight,
and then he stands up, obviously in pain. The salesman just has to ask, “Sir,
why must you have these undersized shoes?”
He says to the salesman, “I lost my business and my house, I live with my
mother-in-law, my wife is screwing my best friend, my daughter is pregnant, and
my son is gay. The only pleasure I have in life is taking off these damn shoes.”

Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.

“Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don’t you try ‘playing doctor’ for an hour? That’s what I do,” said Irving.

“Sounds great,” Morris replied, “but how do you make it last for an hour?”

“Just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!”

A wife arriving home after a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

“Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didn’t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.

Then as she was about to leave the house, she had paused and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?”

Like a lot of husbands through-out history, Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But, as soon as he would start to say something however, his wife said, “And what’s that supposed to mean?”

Thus, Webster’s dictionary was born.

Two young couples marry the same day and, being all friends, leave together for their honeymoon, to stay at the same hotel in Venice, door to door.

The next morning, the two brand new husbands step out on their balconies to have a breath of fresh air.

“So, how was it going last night? C’mon, tell me! How’s your wife?”

“Uhh, fine I guess, she’s lying on the bed smoking.”

“Jesus! My wife just got a bit sore…”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

– Why do you always go to balcony when your wife starts singing?
– So that no one would think I’m beating her.

Q: What’s the speed limit of sex?

A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: What’s the ultimate rejection?

A: When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?

A: Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio’s face, and moaning, “Lie to me!”

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.

Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?

A: K9P.

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?

A: “How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago.”

Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery?

A: If you’re Eveready, I’m Frito Lay.

Q: What’s another name for pickled bread?

A: Dill-dough

Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?

A: He heard the snowblower coming.

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.

After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man cuts a fart and says, “Seven points.”

His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?”

“Touchdown. I’m ahead 7 to nothing.”

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown, tie score.”

After about ten minutes the old man farts again and says, “Touchdown I’m ahead 14 to 7.”

Now starting to get into it, the wife quickly farts again and says “Touchdown, tie score.”

The old man, nod to be outdone, strains really hard but to no avail. He can’t fart! So, not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has, trying for one more fart.

Straining real hard, the old man craps in the bed.

The wife asks, “What in the world was that?”

The old man replies, “Half-time….switch sides.”

One day, a man walks into a dentists office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. “Eighty dollars”, says the dentist.

“That’s a ridiculous amount!”, the man says. “Isn’t there a cheaper way?”

“Well…”, the dentist says, “if you don�t use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60.” Looking annoyed the man says, “That’s still too expensive!”

“Okay”, says the dentist. “If I save on anaesthetics and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20”.

“Nope, moans the man, “it’s still too much!”. “Well”, says the dentist, scratching his head, “if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10.”

“Marvellous!”, says the man, “Book my wife for next Tuesday.”

Mueller is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a Far East country. At
a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native
people take as an insult to the royal family.
Mueller is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are
sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them is to receive 50 lashes on the
rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn’t want to appear
hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand,
as long as it is able to be fulfilled.
Mrs. Mueller is first.
“What do you wish for yourself?”
“I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings.”
“Okay, that shall be granted to you.”
Mrs. Mueller has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment.
But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a
couple of times, she receives a few blows.
Next it is Mueller’s mother-in-law’s turn.
“What do you wish for yourself?”
“I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back
before the lashings.”
“Okay, that shall be granted to you.”
The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through
the pillows.
Then comes Mueller himself.
“What do you wish for yourself?”
“I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?”
“Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for
you, as long as they are reasonable.”
“I would like 100 lashes instead of 50.”
The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, “Yes,
that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?”

“I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back.”