Category: relationships

A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more — would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit. One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, ‘Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?’ Her husband snarled, ‘What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?’ and sat down on the sofa.

The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn’t work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, ‘Honey, the disposal won’t work. Would you try to fix it for me?’ Once again, he growled, ‘What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?’

The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, ‘Honey, the washer isn’t running. Would you check on it?’ And again was met with a snarl, ‘What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?’

Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, ‘Honey, I had the repairmen out today.’ He frowned, ‘Well, how much is that going to cost?’ ‘Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them.’

‘Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?’ he asked. She smiled. ‘What do I look like? Betty Crocker?’

A father and his son go into the drug store when they happen upon the condom
aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of
condoms.
The father replies, �Well, you see that 3 pack? That’s for when
you’re in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.”
Nodding agreement, the son asks his father,�Then what’s the 6 pack for?”
“That’s for when you’re in college,” the father says. “You have 2 for Friday
night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.”
Following this line of logic, the son enthusiastically asks what the 12 pack
is for.
“That’s for when you’re married, son. You have one for January, one for
February, one for March…”

There was once this couple who had been married for a long time, but could never get along very well. Many times, late at night there would be screams and shouts from their house. One day the old man said, “I’m sick and tired of you. When I die, I will come out of my grave to haunt you.”After this, the old guy started practicing black magic. All the disappearances of people, cats, dogs, etc. were blamed on him.At the age of 80 the old guy dies, and his wife puts him in a casket. Later that night, she goes to the bar and parties as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbor comes up to her and says, “Aren’t you scared that the old guy will dig up and haunt you?”The old lady calmly replied, “Eh, let him keep digging. I put the casket the other way around!

Three guys are in a bar discussing how much their wives bitch at them. They decide that when they get home, they’ll do everything that the women ask. The next weekend, they are in the same bar.

The first guy says “Man, I don’t think that our idea was so great! I was sitting on the couch watching tv, and I dropped my cigarette on the couch. my wife said why don’t you burn the whole house down? That place is still smoldering.”

The second guy said “That ain’t nothing. I was working on the car, and dropped my wrench and it nicked the fender. She said why don’t you tear the whole car apart? It took me all night.”

The third guy said “You guys don’t have nothing on me. When I walked in the door, my wife was doing the dishes, and I felt a little romantic. I reached down, and grabbed her crotch, she said “Cut that out!” … Ever seen one of these real close?

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, “Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I’ve got a splitting headache.”

“Certainly, honey,” he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, “Say,” said the druggist, “aren’t you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?”

“Yes, I am,” said the officer.

“Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief’s uniform?”

Pro
Long relationships Allowed to stay out late Easy weight loss Centuries of experience Immune to all venereal diseases Always has amazing stamina Loves neck nibbling Rarely interested in arguing religion Never comes home with garlic breath Don’t have to worry about what color of clothes to wear.

Con

Spend your time in a hypnotic daze Parents can be hell You always feel tired (loss of blood) Oral sex can be lethal Always has cold feet (and blood) Never able to spend the day in bed Pet names that give you chills Strange friends Giggles at funerals Hard to win an argument No romantic sunsets May forget own strength during orgasm

My husband and I had just finished tucking our five young ones into bed one
evening when we heard sobbing coming from three- year-old Billy’s room. Rushing
to his side, we found him crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a
penny and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his
mind.
Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in
his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy’s ear. Billy was delighted. In a
flash, he snatched it from my husband’s hand, swallowed it, and demanded
cheerfully, “Do it again, Dad!”

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”

She says, “Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up.”

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, “Man! My hands are really freezing!”

She says again, “Well put them here between my legs and warm them up.”

He does, and again that warms him up.After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, “Wow, my hands are really, really freezing!”

She looks at him at says, “For crying out loud honey, don’t your ears ever get cold?!…”

Roger is a hard worker who spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball. One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club. The doorman at the club spots them and says, “Hey, Roger! How are you tonight?”His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before. “No, no. He’s just one of the guys I bowl with.”They are seated. The waitress approaches, sees Roger, and says, “Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?”His wife’s eyes widen. “You must come here a lot!””No, no,” says Roger. “I just know her from volleyball.”Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says, “Roger! A table dance as usual?”His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger have it with both fists.At this, the cabby leans over and says, “Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger.”

Dear Lord,
Heavenly father, full of grace, bless my boyfriend’s foxy face. Bless his hair that grows so straight, keep him from the girls i hate. ’cause lord, him and me go together great!

Amen

Man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, “Oh no, its so late, my wife’s going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?” She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. “Where the hell have you been?!?!””Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.””Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!”She sees his hands are covered with powder and… “You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!”

Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.