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The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised
when a young lady about twenty years old walked
up and sat on his lap.
Santa doesn’t usually take requests from adults,
but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her,
“What do you want for Christmas?”
“Something for my mother, please.” said the young lady.
“Something for your mother? Well, that’s very
thoughtful of you,” smiled Santa.
“What do you want me to bring her?”
Without blinking she replied, “A son-in-law!”
A guy knocks to his neighbor’s door. neighbor’s wife opens and says the
husband is not at home. the guy then offers her 200 roubles for a f***. she
thinks a little while and agrees. they do it, the guy goes home. in the evening
her husband returns home and asks:
– hi hon, did our neighbor vasya bring you my salary?
1.) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon, you both keep doing it until you’re blue in the face.
2.) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you’ll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
3.) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You’ve calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
4.) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, “F*ck you!”
5.) The fifth kind of sex is Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.
A man walks into a drug store.
He walks up to the counter and asks for a box of condoms.
After paying, he takes the condoms and walks out the door.
A few blocks up the street the man walks into an ice cream shop.
He pulls out a condom and says to the waiter, “Could you fill this up with ice cream please?”
The waiter is rather surprised, but thinks that as long as the man pays, who cares what he gets the ice cream in.
So the waiter fills the condom with ice cream, and hands it back to the man.
His curiosity gets the better of him so he asks, “I’m curious to know why you want the ice cream in a condom, of all things!”
The man replies “Well, it’s my wife�s birthday today and all week she has been dropping hints about getting a deep freeze, and anything my wife wants, she’s going to get!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman
A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, “Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?”
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A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping!”
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A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.
“Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out.
“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice he answered, “It’s Adam’s suit!!”
When a woman’s friend was having her third baby in four years, she volunteered to keep the older two children overnight. One night turned into several, and eventually the woman was running out of supplies. She asked her husband to go over and get some things from the friend’s husband.
“Did he give you everything?” she asked.
“Yes,” my husband said, grinning. “A box of diapers, two sacks of clothing and the children’s birth certificates.”
A man and woman the morning after their honeymoon night were discussing the previous evenings’ events.
The woman says, “You are a terrible lover!”
The man replies, “How can you tell after only 30 seconds?!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: “Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.”
He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns.
His wife asks: “Did you have a good trip, dear?”
He says: ” Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.”
His wife smiles and says, “Oh no I didn’t. I put them in your tackle box!”
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, �Where have you been?�
�I’ve been to the pub,� slurs the drunk.
�Well,� says the cop, �it looks like you’ve had quite a few.�
�I did alright,� the drunk says with a smile.
�Did you know,� says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, �that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?�
�Oh, thank heavens,� sighs the drunk. �For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.�
Mr. Jones: I hate to tell you, but your wife just fell in the wishing well.
Mr. Smith: So it works!
The instructor of a Lamaze class is teaching the young couples how to breathe properly during delivery.
The teacher announces, �Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn�t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner.�
The room gets quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raises his hand.
�Yes?� the teacher asks.
The man asks, �Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?�
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo