A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways…At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say ‘Yes, it was.’ The men would then ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t, it’s all booked up for a year.'”
Category: relationships
Farmer Johns problem
Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar.
Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him.
“Say, Chris, how ya doing? How’s the tractor selling business these days?”
If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye.
“John,” he said, shaking his head, “I don’t know what it is. I can’t sell a tractor these days to save my life. I’ll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and soon, or else I’ll lose that dealership for good.”
“Well,” John said, taking the barstool next to him, “If you think you got it bad, I got it worse.
Now you listen to this….” “I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That ol’ cow gets more ornery as the years go by.
Anyway, no sooner did I sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol’ Bes starts a slappin’ me with her tail.
After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol’ Bessy’s tail to the rafters.
Then I got back to work.”
“I didn’t even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy, if that upset me!
So I get me another rope an’ tie Bessy’s right hind leg to the side of the milking stall, and get a started trying to milk her again.”
“Well by this time, Bessy’s about livid, and she doesn’t want any part of it, so she let’s me have it with her other hind leg.
I wasn’t about to give in to this ol’ cow, so I got me yet another piece oh rope and tied up Bessy’s left leg to the other side of the stall.”
Just then John paused to take a sip his beer.
Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John, “Well, did you finally get to milk her?”
“Well, yes and no, Chris. But I’ll tell ya what… If you can convince my wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I’ll BUY a tractor from ya….!”
Mother of Six
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife “Mother of Six” in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home Mother of Six?”
His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back… “Anytime you’re ready, Father of Four!”
The tradition at weddings
A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, “Mommy, why does the girl wear white?”His mom replies, “The bride is in white because she’s happy and this is the happiest day of her life.”The boy thinks about this, and then says, “Well then, why is the boy wearing black?”
Foolish Marriage
“And you tell me several men proposed marriage to you,” said the husband.
“Yes, several,” the wife replied.
“Well I wish you had married the first fool who proposed.”
“I did!”
The Top 16 Fatal Things to Say to Your Pregnant Wife (Part I)
16> “Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs forty pounds.”
15> “Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!”
14> “I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever!”
13> “Well, couldn’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl.”
12> “Damn if you ain’t about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.”
11> “Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that’s gotta hurt.”
10> “Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!”
9> “I’m jealous! Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?”
8> “Are your ankles supposed to look like that?”
7> “Get your *own* ice cream, Buddha!”
6> “Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today.”
5> “Got milk?”
4> “Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.”
3> “Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!”
2> “Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water.”
1> “You don’t have the guts to pull the trigger, Lardass.”
Wife is the Boss
“Sir,” said the timid employee to his boss, “my wife says I’m to ask you for a raise.”
“Fine,” the boss replied. “I’ll ask my wife if I can give you one.”
Living On Love
A hippy with no job kept begging his girlfriend to marry him. She protested for months saying he needed a job first. He always told her, “We can just live on love.”
Finally, she relented and they got married. The morning after their honeymoon, she got up and sat on the heater. The hippy asked, “What are you doing?”
She replied, “Heating your breakfast.”
Pick up lines
Man: Haven’t we met before?
Woman: Yes, I’m the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.
Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
Man: So, wanna go back to my place ?
Woman: Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.
Man: I’d like to call you. What’s your number?
Woman: It’s in the phone book.
Man: But I don’t know your name.
Woman: That’s in the phone book too.
Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: I’m a female impersonator.
Man: Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?
(Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: Je voudrais bien, mais je n’ai rien a porter.
(I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)
Man: What sign were you born under?
Woman: No Parking.
Man: Hey, baby, what’s your sign?
Woman: Do not Enter
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized !
Man: Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason
Woman: Yeah! Let’s pick up some chicks!
Man: I’m here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.
Woman: You mean you’ve got both a donkey and a Great Dane?
Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.
Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.
Man: I can tell that you want me.
Woman: Ohhhh. You’re so right. I want you…..to leave.
Man: If I could see you naked, I’d die happy:
Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.
Man: Hey cutie, how ’bout you and I hitting the hot spots?
Woman: Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I’d go through anything for you.
Woman: Good! Let’s start with your bank account.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
Wondering eye
A Man with a wondering eye told his girlfriend that they need to see other people.
She asked why?
He said, because we dont see eye to eye.
Free Drinks in Idaho
A man from Idaho goes to New York City, on business, for the first time. After checking in to the hotel he goes down to the bar to have a drink. He orders a rum and coke. The bartender gives it to him and says, “That will be eight dollars.”
He give the bartender the money and says, “Man, everything is so expensive here in New York!”
The bartender replies, “It cant be that much more than where you live.”
The man replies, “Oh yes, it is! Why do you know that, in my home town, you can go out drinking all night for nothing! And if you feel you’ve had too much to drink. You can check into the finest hotel and spend the night for nothing! And not only that, when you wake up there is a twenty dollar bill on the pillow next to you!”
The incredulous bartender says, “I find that very hard to believe. Has that ever really happened to you?”
The guy replies, “Well no, not exactly…but it happens to my wife all the time!”
Weather bureau
Wife: Who was that on the phone?Husband: Wrong number. Some guy thought this was the weather bureau.Wife: What did he say?Husband: He asked if the coast was clear…