Category: relationships

Adjusting to marriage sometimes poses problems. We met a good friend of ours recently, the morning after his wedding, brooding over a drink in a local bar.
“What�s the trouble?” we asked. “I should think you�d be the happiest man in the world today.”

He shook his head sadly. “What creatures of habit we are,” he said. “This morning when I rose, half asleep, without thinking, I pulled a $50 bill from my wallet and left it on the pillow.”

We tried to console him and told him his wife wouldn’t think anything of it.

“You don’t understand,” he said. “Half asleep, without thinking, she gave me twenty dollars change.”

Marriage is a 3 ring circus…..

Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring and Suffering.

The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month’s to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his ‘house in order’ , make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest. ‘What will you do for the last six months?’ asked the Doctor. His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, ‘I think I’ll go and live with my Mother-in-law’. Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, ‘Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?’ ‘Because it’ll be the longest six months of my Life!’

Alex sets up his friend Bob to go on a blind date with his
cousin.

Bob is a little worried about going out with someone he’s never
seen before. “What do I do if she’s ugly?” says Bob, “I’ll be
with her all night.”

“Don’t worry,” Alex says, “just go up to her door and meet her
first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as
planned. If you don’t, just shout ‘Aaaaaauuuggghhh!’ and fake a
heart attack.”

That night Bob knocks at the girl’s door. When she comes out he
is awe-struck at how hot and sexy she is. He’s about to speak
when the girl suddenly grabs for her chest and lets out a loud
… “Aaaaaauuuggghhh!”

Careful what you say if she’s pregnant!

17. “I finished the Oreos.”

16. “Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs 40 pounds.”

15. “Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!”

14. “I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever!”

13. “Well, couldn’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!”

12. “Darned if you ain’t about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.”

11. “Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that’s gotta hurt.”

10. “Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!”

9. “I’m jealous! Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?”

8. “Are your ankles supposed to look like that?”

7. “Get your *own* ice cream.”

6. “Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today.”

5. “Got milk?”

4. “Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.”

3. “Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!”

2. “Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water…”

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant:

1. “You don’t have the guts to pull that trigger…”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?

A. Yes, but you’ll have an even better chance if he doesn’t wear anything at all.

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?

A. Have sex once a year.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?

A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband’s is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?

A. Then the jig is up.

Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I’m sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?

A. Your therapist.

Q. I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

A. If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.

Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?

A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller dering pregnancy?

A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. Ever since I’ve been pregnant, I haven’t been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?

A. Depends on what you’re doing with them.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?

A. Cause you’re fatter then they are.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.

A. So what’s your question, dipshit?

Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?

A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

Q. Under ghat circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?

A. When the sex is between your husband and another woman.

Q. What’s the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?

A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?

A. Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A. Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

Q. I’m modest. Once I’m in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?

A. Authorized personnel only — doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?

A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?

A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?

A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?

A. It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?

A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What are the terrible twos?

A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

A. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?

A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. What is the grasp reflex?

A. The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother’s breasts.

Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?

A. Yes, but it’s much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they’re thrown away?

A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?

A. Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

Q. What causes baby blues?

A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.

Q. What is colic?

A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.

Q. What are night terrors?

A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she’s pregnant again.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A. When the kids are in college.

A man is walking down a beach during sunset when he stumbles across a lamp. Picking it up he says to himself, “I wonder if it’s magic. I think I’ll rub it and find out.”Well sure enough this man rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. The genie says to the man, “I’m your genie and I am at your command. I shall grant you three wishes on one condition. Everything you wish for, your wife gets double.”Well the man thought about it and finally blurted out, “Give me a million dollars.” So the genie gave him a million dollars and his wife two million while reminding him of the “one condition”.Next the man said, ” I’d like a house on the east coast and a house on the west coast.” So the genie gave him his two houses and his wife four houses.Finally the genie said, “You have one wish remaining but remember, your wife gets double.”So the man thought for nearly an hour about his final wish. Looking up at the genie hovering over the sand he said with a sly grin on his face, “Ok Genie, I want you to beat me half to death.”

It’s just to hot to wear clothes today,” said Jack as he stepped out of the shower. “Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?””Probably that I married you for your money.”

While at dinner, a man struck up a conversation with a woman in the dining car of a cross-country train. Both, as it turned out, were married and both were traveling on business. Following several after-dinner drinks, the woman confessed that she was sure that her husband would be unfaithful while she was away.

The man admitted he had a similar fear about his wife. “Since we are in the same situation,” the man suggested with an eager gleam in his eye, “perhaps we could extract revenge together.”

With out another word, the two made there way to his sleeping compartment, where their partners’ adultery was passionately avenged. The two lay still for several minutes afterward. Then as her lover turned over to sleep, the woman whispered, “How about one more act of revenge?”

“Sorry,” he yawned , “I’ve already forgiven my wife.”

If your wife comes out of the kitchen and starts complaining, what
does that mean?

Her chain is to long!

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts!”

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Ten minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before it starts!”

She looks across, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute!”

The wife is furious. She yells at him “Is that all you’re going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore…”

The man sighs and says, “It’s started…”

Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar.

Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him.

“Say, Chris, how ya doing? How’s the tractor selling business these days?”

If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye.

“John,” he said, shaking his head, “I don’t know what it is. I can’t sell a tractor these days to save my life. I’ll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and soon, or else I’ll lose that dealership for good.”

“Well,” John said, taking the barstool next to him, “If you think you got it bad, I got it worse.

Now you listen to this….” “I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That ol’ cow gets more ornery as the years go by.

Anyway, no sooner did I sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol’ Bes starts a slappin’ me with her tail.

After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol’ Bessy’s tail to the rafters.

Then I got back to work.”

“I didn’t even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy, if that upset me!

So I get me another rope an’ tie Bessy’s right hind leg to the side of the milking stall, and get a started trying to milk her again.”

“Well by this time, Bessy’s about livid, and she doesn’t want any part of it, so she let’s me have it with her other hind leg.

I wasn’t about to give in to this ol’ cow, so I got me yet another piece oh rope and tied up Bessy’s left leg to the other side of the stall.”

Just then John paused to take a sip his beer.

Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John, “Well, did you finally get to milk her?”

“Well, yes and no, Chris. But I’ll tell ya what… If you can convince my wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I’ll BUY a tractor from ya….!”