Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, “I want you to help me get a divorce.The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds.My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with.””What do you mean?” asked the attorney. “Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?””No,” replied the woman, “and neither does the little queer.”
Category: relationships
Blind Date!
A girl goes on a blind date.
The blind date hadn’t been all that great, and she was relieved the evening was finally over.
At her apartment door, her date suddenly said, “Hey! You wanna see my underwear?”
Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn’t wearing any underwear.
She glanced down and said, “Nice design – does it also come in men’s sizes?”
Cruising
A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were
faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same
cruise, then later question each one on the other’s behavior.
When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the
trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific
behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. “She
slept with nearly every man on the ship,” his wife reported.
The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating
mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife.
“She was a real lady,” his mistress said.
“How so?” the encouraged man asked.
“She came on board with her husband and never left his side.”
Mistaken Identity
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, “Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I’ve got a splitting headache.”
“Certainly, honey,” he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, “Say,” said the druggist, “I know you – aren’t you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?”
“Yeah, so?” said the officer. “Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?”
Golfing with cows
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. “Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
“We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
“I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.”
“What did you do?” asks the doctor.
“Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!'”
Edited by Tds181 and Curtis
The man enters a drugstore:
– Give me a pack of condoms.
– What size?
– I do not know…
– Well, take this board with holes, and go to the toilet and measure.
In 10 minutes the man comes back:
– I have changed my mind, I don’t need the condoms. How much is this board?
Wedding Jokes
Wedding Jokes
How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive wayto get your laundry done for free.
The most effective way to remember your wife’sbirthday is to forget it once.
Getting married is very much like going to arestaurant with friends. You order what you want,then when you see what the other fellow has, you wishyou had ordered that.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,”Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
The other replied, “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much doesit cost to get married?”
The father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africaa man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happinesswas until I got married; and then it was too late.”
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, Iwas a fool when I married you.”
The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’tnotice.”
A man inserted an ad in the classifieds:”Wife wanted”.
Next day he received a hundred letters. Theyall said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
When a man steals your wife, there is no betterrevenge than to let him keep her. -Sacha Guitry
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. Therest cheat in Europe. – Jackie Mason
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Three Kinds of Sex
The Three officially recognized kinds of sex are …
HOUSE SEX: When you’re newly married and have sex all over the house, in every room of the house.
BEDROOM SEX: After you’ve been married for a while and you just have sex in the bedroom.
HALLWAY SEX: After you’ve been married for many, many years and you just pass by each other in the hallway and say “Fuck You! ! !”
Drunk at Company Party
A guy wakes up one morning with a hangover. Going downstairs he
asks his wife, “Honey, I know I made a fool out of myself at the
company party last night, so tell me what I did.”
“You got in an argument with your boss.”
“Well, piss on him!” said the man.
“You did. He fired you.” said the wife.
“Well, screw him!” said the guy.
“I did.” said the wife. “You’re back to work Monday.”
A Jewish mother is walking down the street
A Jewish mother is walking down the street with her two young sons.
A passerby asks her how old the boys are.
“The doctor is three” the mother answers, “and the lawyer is two.”
Golfing With Cows
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a
five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. “Well, it was like
this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my
wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
“We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed
one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
“I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was
my wife’s golf ball — stuck right in the middle of the cow’s
butt. That’s when I made my mistake.”
“What did you do?” asks the doctor.
“Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks
like yours!'”
Mother-in-law’s car
My mother-in-law’s other car is a Broom!