Category: relationships

Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Teacher: “I’d like a room, please.”

Hotel Receptionist: “Single, Sir?”

Teacher: “Yes, but I am engaged.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a
short time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their
sex lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a
postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex
felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the
wedding. The card said nothing but “Nescafe.” Mom was puzzled at
first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: “Good till the last drop.” Mom blushed, but was pleased
for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the
wedding, and the card read: “Benson & Hedges.” Mom now knew to
go straight to her husband’s cigarettes, and she read from the
Benson & Hedges pack: “Extra Long. King Size.” She was again
slightly embarrased but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom
waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still
nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: “British
Airways.” Mom took out her latest Harper’s Bazaar magazine,
flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found
the ad for the airline. The ad said: “Three times a day, seven
days a week, both ways.” Mom fainted.

Tom’s barn burned down and his wife, Matilda Jane, called her insurance agent to file a claim…

Matilda Jane told the insurance company, “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money, right quick!”

The agent replied, “Just a minute, there, Matilda Jane. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.”

There was a long pause before Matilda Jane replied, “Then I’d like to cancel the policy on my husband… Right quick!”

A woman goes for her yearly physical and after all the poking, prodding and tests, the physician says gravely, “I’m sorry, but you have only 12 hours to live”.

Hearing this, the woman rushes home, explains her condition to her husband and states, “I want to spend this whole evening having wild and crazy sex.”

To which her husband exclaims, “That’s easy for you to say. You don’t have to get up in the morning!”

A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife: Honey, I got a new secretary. And imagine what happened! She’s got a red and white bra.

You know, these are the colours of my favourite football team. Anyway, it’s not a big deal but it feels good.

The next day when they come home her wife asks: How was your day? The man says: Fantastic! It’s not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You know it’s not a big deal but it really feels good!

The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his wife: And what happened today in your office, honey?

She says: Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His dick is two inches longer than yours. You know it’s not a big deal but hell it feels good !

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

“Well, how was the honeymoon?” asked the mother.
“Oh mamma!” she exclaimed. “The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!”

No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying. “But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He’s been saying things I’ve never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You’ve got to come get me and take me home… please mamma!”

“Now Sarah . . .” her mother answered. “Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?”

“Please don’t make me tell you, mamma.” wept the daughter.
“I’m so embarrassed! They’re just too awful! You’ve got to come get me and take me home… please mamma!”

“Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset . . .
Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!”

Still sobbing, the bride replied, “Oh, mamma . . . words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!”

Nina and Liz are having a conversation during there lunch break. Nina asks, “So, Liz, how’s your sex life these days?” Liz replies, “Oh, you know. It’s the usual, Social Security kind.” “Social Security?” Nina asked quizzically. “Yeah, you get a little each month, but it’s not enough to live on.”

I’ve been trying desperately to save my marriage for the last 35 years.

The married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation. After a few days he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation. Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend: “Take next plane for fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress.”His friend was quick to wire back: “Your wife and I arriving tomorrow 11.30 a.m. How long have you known about us?

We have a traditional marriage. . . My husband goes out and gets the bacon,
and I stay home and burn it.
I’m a terrible housekeeper; even my little white lies are tattletale gray.
My housekeeping is so bad….. that after doing it for 21 years I�m still not
on a first name basis with Mr. Clean.
I’m a terrible cook…its official…Ralph Nader came over and declared my
“Cuisinart” unsafe at any speed.
Motherhood is an unfair job, it requires you have all the fun before it even
begins.
I must be an agnostic. Most of the time I doubt God’s existence, but on the
first day of school . . . I’m a believer.
They live under your roof, they eat your food, they spend your money . . .
then they get married . . . hire live-in maids and break your heart.
I’m at that awkward age: I have a kid who can’t wait to get behind the wheel
of a car and I can’t manage without bifocals.

Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:

First Guy: “Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”

Second Guy: “That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.”

Third Guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.”

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?”

Fourth Guy: “That’s easy! I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a poke. ‘Golf Course or Intercourse?’, I ask. She says, ‘Wear your sweater.'”