Category: relationships

Rodney was reading the morning newspaper when he came upon a study that said women use more words than men.

Excited to prove to his wife, Cathy, his long-held contention that women in general, and Cathy in particular, talked too much, he showed her the study results.

Rodney read the report to Cathy, “Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000.”

Cathy thought a while, then finally she said to him, “It’s because we have to repeat everything we say.”

Rodney said, “What?”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by ���rt��

a little boy and girl were playing one day when the little boy opens his pants and says,bet you dont have one of these!The little girl lifts her skirt,looks down,begins to cry then runs home to her mother.The next day,the little girl approaches the boy,lifts her skirt and with a big grin states:My mommy told me with one of these i can get all of those i want!

If it’s true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings!

Wife: The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. he finally finds one for a great
price, but it’s missing a seal, so whenever it rains, he has to smear vaseline
over the spot where the seal should be.

his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. he rides his
new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. “no matter what
happens at dinner tonight, don’t say a word.” she tells him, “our family had a
fight awhile ago about doing dishes. we haven’t done any since, but the first
person to speak at dinner has to do them.”

steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. dishes are
piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. so steve
decides to have a little fun. he grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table,
and has sex with her in front of her parents. his girlfriend is a little
flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back
down, but no one says a word.

a few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table, and does a
repeat performance. now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her
mother is a little happier. but still there is complete silence at the table.

all of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. steve
remembers his motorcycle. he jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline. when he
witnesses this, his girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and screams,
“okay, enough already, i’ll do the f****** dishes!”

A man calls his mother in Florida. “Mom, how are you?”
“Not too good,” says the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”
The son says, “Why are you so weak?”
She says, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
The man says, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”
The mother answers, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be full of food if you
should call.”

When we were dating, my husband used to always tell me those three magic words, “I love you”. Now that we are married, those three magic words have become, “What’s for dinner?”

When we were dating, my husband would gently rub me with hot oil while he affectionately called me lovely nicknames. Now that we are married, he gently rubs his car with hot wax, which now has its own pet nickname.

When we were dating, my husband would always love to watch me undress. Now that we are married, he loves to watch championship wrestling.

When we were dating, my husband read poetry to me as he caressed me in his arms late into the night. Now that we are married, he quotes me sports statistics and stock prices during breakfast.

When we were dating, my husband would passionately motivate and urge me on in whatever I did, whether it was at my job or during sex. Now that we are married, the only thing he passionately urges on is his favorite football team.

When we were dating, my husband would make love to me on his waterbed like a sex-starved wild beast who would go on and on. So we called the bed our “Ocean Of Motion Love Potion”. Now that we are married, the bed has been renamed “The Dead Sea”.

Larry and Dorothy were having their usual loud and endless argument about
family reunions. At last, Fred relented. “I’m awfully sorry, Sweetheart. I
didn’t mean all those hateful things I said about your family. As a matter of
fact, I like your mother-in-law a whole lot better than I do mine.”

There was this old guy wandering around in a supermarket calling out at intervals – “Crisco? Crisco? CRIS–CO!!!!”

Finally a store clerk approached. “Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five.”

“Oh,” replied the old guy, “I’m not looking for Crisco, I’m calling my wife.”

“Your wife is named ‘Crisco?”‘

“Nah,” he answered, “I only call her that when we come to the supermarket.”

“Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?

“Lard Ass!”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy.

“What would you say if I told you that I’ve been sleeping with your best friend?” she asked provocatively.

“Well,” he mused, “I’d have to say that you’re a lesbian!”

A man says to his wife “darling I would love to have sex with you tonight.”

She replies, “please don’t ask like that, especially in front of the children. When you want to have sex, say something like ‘is the washing machine working tonight’ and only you and I will know what you mean.”

The next day the man says to his wife “is the washing machine working tonight dear” to which she replies “no, its broken.”

A couple of days later he asks “that washing machine, is it working now” to which she replies “no, its still broken.”

A week later he asks “has the washing machine been repaired” to which she replies “no, but the repairman may be here next week to fix it.”

The following week the wife says to her husband “darling, the washing machine has been repaired and its working perfectly” to which the husband replies “don’t worry now, I only had a small load so I did it by hand.”

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death’s agony, he suddenly smells the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced his way down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for deaths agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon racks on the kitchen table and counters were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it the one final act of love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one final great effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted… the wonderous taste of the cookie already in his mouth.

The aged and withered hand , shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was smacked with a spatula by his wife.

“Stay out of those,” she said. “They are for the funeral.”

Submitted by Calamjo