Category: relationships

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jim and his wife listened to the instructor declare: “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”He addressed the men: “For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife’s favorite flower?”Jim leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn’t it?”The rest of the story is not pleasant.

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death’s agony, he suddenly smells the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced his way down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for deaths agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon racks on the kitchen table and counters were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it the one final act of love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one final great effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted… the wonderous taste of the cookie already in his mouth.

The aged and withered hand , shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was smacked with a spatula by his wife.

“Stay out of those,” she said. “They are for the funeral.”

Submitted by Calamjo

I’m really steamed at my wife. She is so immature!
Last night I was taking a bath and she came in and sunk all my little boats!

But I’m really a lucky guy. I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day when I was sick and stayed home from work. She was so happy to have me home, that every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or deliveryman, she’d shout, ‘My husbands home! My husband’s home!’

What a gal I married!

And for everyone that’s still single, some notes on marriage…
…Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
…Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
…Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss.
…Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
…Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
…Marriage still confers one very special privilege, only a married person can get divorced!

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing.

One day when he was out in the field, Jake’s wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining.

Suddenly, Jake’s old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jake’s minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down, but when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, “Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?”

“Well,” Jake replied, “the women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, ‘Is that mule for sale?’ and I shook my head, no.”

“That wife of mine is a liar,” said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.

“How do you know?” the friend asked.

“She didn’t come home last night and when I asked her where she’d been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley.”

“So?”

“So she’s a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley.”

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park.
They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.

“What would you like to do next?” he asked.
“I wanna be weighed,” she said.
So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.

“One-twelve,” said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.

“I wanna be weighed,” she said.
I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.

The girl’s mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, “What’s wrong, dear, didn’t you have a nice time tonight?”

“Wousy,” said the girl.

Marriage

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes I am, I married the wrong man.”

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor’s degree and the woman gets her master’s.

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying.”

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.”

Married life is frustrating. The first year of marriage, the man speaks And the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”

It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends Up with the same boss.

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

A woman was telling her friend , “It is I who made my husband a millionaire.” “And what was he before you married him.” Asked the friend. The woman replied, ” A billionaire”.

God says to Adam, “What would you like in a wife?” “Hmmm,” says Adam, “I’d like her to be the most beautiful creature in the world. I’d like her to do whatever I tell her to. I’d like he to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me.” “Hmmmm”, God says, “I can do it, but it’ll cost you an arm and a leg.” “Oh,” says Adam, “Well what can I get for a rib?”

Four guys were telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves to go to the restroom.
Three guys are left… The first guy says, “I was worried that my son was going
to be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns
out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that
he bought the dealership. In fact, he’s so successful that he just gave his best
friend a new Mercedes for his birthday.”
The second guy says, “I was worried about my son too because he started out
raking leaves for a realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a
commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact
he’s so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his
birthday.”
The third guy says, “Yeah, I hear you. MY son started out sweeping floors in a
brokerage firm. Well, HE got a break, they made HIM a broker, and now he owns
the brokerage firm. In fact, he’s so rich that he just gave HIS best friend $1
million in stock for his birthday.”
The fourth guy comes back from the restroom. The first three explain that they
are telling stories about their kids so he says, “Well, I’m embarrassed to admit
that my son IS a major disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is
STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact I just found out that he’s gay and
has SEVERAL boyfriends. But I try to look at the bright side; his boyfriends
just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house and $1 million in stock for his
birthday.”

An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

“I’ve never been better!” he boasted. “I’ve got an eighteen year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.” The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?” the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, “No.”

The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him!”

“That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man. “Someone else must have shot that bear.”

“That’s kind of what I’m getting at,” replied the doctor.

A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbour strolls over.

The neighbour tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbour asks what the problem is.

“Well,” the man says, “I ran foul of one of those questions women ask. Now I’m in the doghouse.”

“What kind of question?” the neighbour asks.

“My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly.”

“That’s easy,” says the neighbour. “You just say, ‘Of course I will'”.

“Yeah,” says the other man, “that’s what I meant to say. But what came out was, ‘Of course I do.'”

Submitted by blueindiansquaw
Edited by Curtis

The doctor came out of the operating room to talk with the man’s wife. “I don’t like the looks of your husband,” he said.

“Neither do I,” said the wife, “but he’s not home much, and he’s great with the kids.”

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one
to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them
spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets
new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the
man, “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you
so much.”

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a
television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, “I bought
these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much.”

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles
her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She
says, “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love
you so much.”

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money,
and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.