Category: relationships

A couple gets married, and thirty years later they’re in the same hotel, in the same room. She takes off all her clothes, lies back on the bed, and spreads her legs.Her husband starts to cry.She says, “What’s the matter?”He says, “Thirty years ago I couldn’t wait to eat it. Now it looks like it can’t wait to eat me.”

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife . . .
“Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye.
She paused for moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.”

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. then, finally, she says. . . . . . . “You.”

Brake wired to the hornThe best man at my friends wedding rigged the horn to sound every time the brake was pressed, they drove half way down the road until they realized what was going on and had to return to fix it.

A man comes home one day and shouts, “Woman, pack your bags, I just won the lottery!”

His wife asks, “Where should I pack for? Hawaii? Paris?”

The husband replies, “I don’t care, just get outa my house.”

I’ll just call my lawyer about thisAnother on that I have seen pulled is to have someone speak out at the time the minister asks, “If anyone has good reason why these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.”They had a pregnant lady stand up and say, “Oh, never mind! I’ll just call my lawyer!” It rattled the groom’s mother so much that she fainted.

Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner and looked for his wife, but she had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen.

Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:

THE TENT POLE IS UP,
THE CANVAS IS SPREAD.
THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
COME BACK TO BED.

The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy.
It read:

TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN,
PUT THE CANVAS AWAY.
THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE,
NO CIRCUS TODAY.

So he sent another note down, it read:

THE TENT POLE’S STILL UP,
AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD.
SO DROP WHAT YOU’RE DOING,
AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD.

To which she replied:

I’M SURE THAT YOUR POLE’S
THE BEST IN THE LAND.
BUT I’M BUSY RIGHT NOW,
SO DO IT BY HAND!!

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

It was the first day of the school year, and an elementary teacher was trying
to get to know her students.
“What did you do this summer?” the teacher asked Suzie.
“I and my family went to the beach a lot,” Suzie answered.
“That sounds like fun,” said the teacher. “How about you, Emma? What did you
do this summer?”
“I and my family rode our bikes together.”
“That sounds lovely,” said the teacher. She continued with all her pupils
until she got to shy Mike in the corner of the room.
“What did you do this summer, Mike?”
“Nothing,” the boy responded timidly.
“Did you do anything with your family?” the teacher asked, trying to draw Mike
out.
“Yes.”
“Did you go to the beach?”
“No.”
“Did you ride bikes?”
“No, never!” the boy burst out. “We can never ride bikes together!”
“Why not?” said the shocked teacher.
“I don’t know,” explained Mike, “but dad always said, when then mom and sis
start ‘cycling together’, it’s time to get the hell out of town.”

Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.

So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.” So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating.
Larry asks, “Son, what happened last night?”

His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”

Confused, Larry asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

His son replies, “Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, “Lady, leave me alone, I’m married’!”

Deep Thoughts about Marriage

There was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was
until I got married and then it was too late.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you
wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other
replied, “Yes I am, I married the wrong man.”

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really
finished.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor’s
degree and the woman gets her master’s.

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to
get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m
still paying for it.”

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives
and the wife takes.

Three rings: Engagement ring, Wedding ring, Suffering.

When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a
ten-year married man looks happy – we wonder why.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage,
the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the
woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both
speak and the neighbours listen.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a
fool when I married you.” And the husband replied, “Yes, dear,
but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”

It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he
still ends up with the same boss.

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next
day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
“You can have mine.”

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be
sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

A woman was telling her friend , “It is I who made my husband a
millionaire.” “And what was he before you married him.” Asked
the friend. The woman replied, ” A multi-millionaire”.

Getting married is very much like going to a continental
restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you
see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence- a life sentence!!!

Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is
over, the strings are attached.

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an
institution for the blind.

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman’s finger and
TWO under the man’s eyes.

Marriage certificate is just another name for a work permit.

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an
eye-opener.

There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and
found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his
sleep and found himself divorced.

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

They say that when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage,
it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Before marriage, a man ‘yearns’ for the woman he loves. After
marriage, the “y” becomes silent.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got
two girlfriends.

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he
wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man
thinks for a moment and then says, “OK, give me a million
dollars and beat me half to death.”

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to
report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he
came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him,
he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the
bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When
my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by
my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my
health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think
about it now, I think you bring me bad luck!”

First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!” Second Guy: “You’re
lucky, mine’s still alive.”

Marriage is grand — and divorce is about 10 grand.

This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other
guy say to his wife “Pass the sugar, Honey.” and “Pass the
honey, Sugar.” He thinks this sort of speech is a good idea. So,
the morning when he and his wife are eating breakfast, he says
to his wife, “Pass the bacon, Pig.”

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made
a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish,
too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and
drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled “It
really works

“I’d like to buy some gloves for my wife,” the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, “but I don’t know her size.”

“Will this help?” she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

“Oh, yes,” he answered. “Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours.”

“Will there be anything else?” the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.

“Now that you mention it,” he replied, “she also needs a bra and panties.”

Tom’s dream was to marry a sweet, innocent virgin. He’d been going with Jane for a few months, when he decided to test her.

As they drove along in the car, he unzipped his fly, turned to her and said, “Do you want to see my wee-wee?”

She yelled, “No! No! Please zip up your fly!”

Instead of being annoyed, Tom was happy.

On the eve of their engagement to be married, he tried the same thing, with the same result.

Finally, on their wedding night, they were alone in the hotel room when he unzipped his fly again and said to her, “Honey, now that we’re married you can now look at what I’ve got here,” and proceeded to take out his dick.

She looked at it and said, “Oh, what a sweet looking wee-wee!”

Tom said, “No darling, you don’t have to call it a wee-wee anymore, you can call it a cock.”

She looked at it a while and then said, “No, Tom, what you have is a wee-wee. A ‘cock’ is long, thick, and black!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Hush little baby don’t you squall
Momma’s gonna buy you a crystal ball.
And if you still can’t see beyond
Momma’s gonna buy you a magic wand.
And if that wand don’t change your fate
Momma’s gonna teach you to levitate.
And if the astral makes you sick,
Momma’s gonna buy you an incense stick.
And if that patchouli smells too rank
she�ll buy you a sensory deprivation tank.
And if that tank don’t float your bones
Momma’s gonna buy you some precious stones.
And if those gems don’t ease your heart
Momma’s gonna buy you a natal chart.
And if your planets go berserk
Momma’s gonna buy you some bodywork.
And if your aura still needs kneading
Momma’s gonna buy you a past life reading.
And if your destiny stays hid
Momma’s gonna buy you a pyramid.
And if your chakras still feel stressed
Momma’s gonna take you on a vision quest.
And if power animals don’t come to charm ya
Sorry, kid, it’s just your karma.