Category: rednecks

You might be a redneck if…

It’s easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.

You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.

You’ve ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister’s honor.

Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job–primer red and primer gray.

The tobacco chewers in your family aren’t just men.

Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire…on her house

The ASPCA raids your kitchen.

You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.

You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.

What do you call a virgin in Alabama?

Faster than her father and stronger than her brother.

14> Achy, Breaky Tell-Tale Heart

13> Nightmare on Rural Route One, Up Past That There Silo

12> Ah Seen What Y’all Done Last Summer

11> The Creature From Clint Black’s Spittoon

10> Don’t Tell Me You Love Me if You’re Gnawing Off My Leg

9> Night of the Homosekshual, BMW-Drivin’, Neiman Marcus Suit-Wearin’ Zombies

8> Jurassic Trailer Park

7> Something Twangy This Way Comes

6> Psychoklahoma

5> The Hounddog of the Baskervilles

4> All My Axes are in My Exes

3> Throw Momma from Shania Twain

2> The Expectorist

1> She Broke My Heart and Then She Ate It

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small hick Southern town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went. He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. “Can you change this for me, please?” he said. The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, “Sure, Mister. Ya’ll want 2 nines or 3 sixes?”

You’re a redneck if…. You sit up all night with a sick dog, but make your
wife stay up with a sick kid.

You’re a redneck if…. On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow
the keys to the tractor.

— Cute as a sack full of puppies.
— If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.
— Goode than grits.

You might be a redneck if you go to a family Reuionion looking for a wife

Why Farm Trucks Are Never StolenThey have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, break down or run out of gas.Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains syringes, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.It takes too long to start and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out floorboard clouds your vision.The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.They’re too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: The driver’s side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front fender is yellow, etc.The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you’re being chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren’t cracked and covered with duct tape.Top speed is only about 45 mph.Who wants a truck that needs a year’s worth of maintenance, u-joints, $3,000 in bodywork, taillights and a windshield.It is hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.

You’re a redneck if…. You’ve had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

City code enforcement officers use your property as a proving ground for new recruits.You think Tang is in the fruit group.You can hit a bullseye from up to 50 yards away, but still have trouble with your ABC’s.

How do you know that the toothbrush was invented by a redneck?
If it was invented by anyone else they would have called it a “teeth brush”.