Category: rednecks

We don’t keep firearms in this house.

Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?

You can’t feed that to the dog.

I thought Graceland was tacky.

No kids in the back of the pick-up, it’s not safe.

Wrasslin’s fake.

Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

We’re vegetarians.

Do you think my hair is too big?

I’ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.

Honey, these bonsai trees need watering?

Who’s Richard Petty?

Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

Deer heads detract from the decor.

Spitting is such a nasty habit.

Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

The tires on that truck are too big.

I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

I’ve got it all on a floppy disk.

Unsweetened tea tastes better.

Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.

I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

Trim the fat off that steak.

I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

Checkmate.

She’s too old to be wearing that bikini.

Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.

I don’t have a favorite college team.

I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

Elvis who?

Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

“I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex”.

Duct tape won’t fix that.

Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.

Come to think of it I’ll have a Heineken.

You’ve ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.

Two men from Canada were out hunting. They decided to separate to get a better chance of catching something.The first man says to the other, “If you get lost, fire three shots into the air every hour. That way I can pinpoint you and find you.”After about three hours, the second man finds he is really lost. He decides to fire three shots into the air as the first man told him. He then waits an hour and does it again. He repeats this until he is out of ammo.The next morning, the first man finds the second with the help of forest rangers. He asks the first man if he did what he told him to do.The man answers, “Yes, I fired three shots into the air every hour on the hour until I ran out of arrows.”

One Alabama neighbor says to the other, “Hey Joe, you have to stop leaving the blinds on your bedroom open, last night I saw you f**king your wife.”

Joe responds, “The joke’s on you Stan, I was away on a business trip yesterday.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

You pick up your girfriend on a bike for the prom.The Roto-Rooter man calls for backup when visiting your house.A policeman asks for your ID, and you answer, “About what?”

The Kentuckian and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car. “Want to go in the back seat?” she asked.”Nope”, he replied.A few minutes later she asked, �Now do you want to get in the back seat?�”No, I don’t”, he said again, “I wanna stay here in the front seat with you.”

You might be a redneck if…

Fewer than half of your cars run.

You’ve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.

Your car has never had a full tank of gas.

Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.

Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You’ve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.

Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys, back on the ranch, about his first visit to a big-city church.
“When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral,” Joe began.
“You mean the parking lot,” interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.
“I walked up the trail to the gate,” Joe continued.
“The sidewalk to the door,” Charlie corrected him.
“Inside the door, I was met by this dude,” Joe went on.
“That would be the usher,” Charlie explained.
“Well, the usher led me down the chute,” Joe said.
“You mean the aisle,” Charlie said.
“Then he led me to a stall and told me to sit there,” Joe continued.
“Pew,” Charlie retorted.
“Yeah,” recalled joe. “That’s what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.”

What do a divorce in Arkansas, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common?

Somebody is fixin’ to lose them a house trailer.

You’re a redneck if…. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words
“Trucking Institute”.

Directions to your house include “turn off the paved road�.

You’re a redneck if…. You ever barbecued Spam on the grill.