Category: rednecks

You’re a redneck if…. A ceiling fan has ever ruined your hairdo.

Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than grandpa.Your masseuse uses lard.Your wife’s best shoes have steel toes.

An impotent farmer was having trouble in bed for close to a year now and he just didn’t know what to do. He ate Viagra like M&M’s but it never seemed to help. Well anyways the farmer had a couple cows that he wanted to breed, and he went down to his neighbor farmer to ask to borrow a bull for a day. The neighbor farmer said yes, and the impotant farmer loaded the bull into the box of his pickup. When he got back home he put the bull in with the lady cows. The lady cows were sure interested in the bull, but the bull would not go near them for some odd reason. The impotent farmer went back to his neighbors and asked why the bull wouldn’t screw his cows. The other farmer said “Oh sorry bout dat he gets like that sometimes, what you otta do is stick your finger there in one uh yah lady cows pussy’s and rub it on his nose.”The impotent farmer went home and tried it on the bull, and sure enough the bull got all three cows and went back for more about five minutes later. The impotent farmer was totally shocked. He went home that night after a hard days work in the field, and climbed into bed. His wife was asleep next to him and he got an idea. He figured if it worked on the cow it might work on him. So he pulled down his sleeping wife’s panties and stuck his finger down there and rubbed it on his nose. Sure enough he was hard in an instant. The farmer was so happy about this he just had to show his wife.”Honey wake up honey, turn on the light and take a look at this.”His wife wakes up turns on the light and says “You woke me up just to show me you had a bloody nose.”

A young West Virginian girl wanted to go to college at UVA. But her father said ‘No Way! You’re going to By-God West Virginia Univ.’

Well she got her way and she went to UVA. The first semester went by, and she wrote home that she was getting married to a man from Richmond, VA named Clarence. Her father said ‘I’ll be damned if my daughter is marrying a man from Richmond. You’re marrying a By-God West Virginian boy.’

So he sent his two sons to UVA to get their sister. In a couple of days they returned. Dad said ‘Where is your sister?’

They replied ‘We were almost there Daddy, and we came up on this overpass that had this sign that read – ‘Clarence 13’6″ – so we turned around and got the hell out of there!’

Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire…on her houseThe ASPCA raids your kitchen.You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.

You know youre a true redneck when your house starts rolling down hill.

A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:

Cowboy: “Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?”

Rancher: “This dog don’t talk!”

Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it going?”

Dog: “Doin alright”

Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)

Cowboy: “Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)”

Dog: “Yep.”

Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?”

Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”

Rancher: (Look of disbelief)

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

Rancher: “Horses don’t talk!”

Cowboy: “Hey horse, how’s it goin?”

Horse: “Cool.”

Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)

Cowboy: “Is this your owner?” (pointing at rancher)

Horse: “Yep.”

Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?”

Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”

Rancher: (total look of amazement)

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?”

Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)…… “Th-Th-Them sheep ain’t nothin but liars!!!”

You might be a redneck if your daddy walked you to school and you are both in
the same grade.

You’ve ever cut your grass and found a car.

You owe the Taxidermist more than your annual income.

The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.

Directions to your house include turn off the paved road.

You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than
hem them.

You smoked during your wedding.

Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

Your two year old has more teeth than you do.

Your checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.

You have an above ground pool and you fish in it.

Your father walks you to school because you’re in the same grade.

You’ve ever been accused of lying through your tooth.

and probably the grosest one of all times…..
Your mother has ever come out of the bathroom and said “ya’ll
come look at this before I flush it.”

You might be a redneck if your house is mobile and the six cars in your front
yard are not.

Yo momma sooo fat she sat on a dollar bill and four quarters popped out!