Category: rednecks

Your a redneck if sailors have to tell your grandma to watch her mouth.

You might be a redneck if…

You don’t know what a redneck is.

You’re still upset that they canceled “The Dukes of Hazzard”.

You thought ER was ET’s cousin.

You think a strip joint is where they disassemble cars.

You are in 6 grade and the only one in your family that can write your name.

You’ve ever been stuck in your own driveway.

You refer to your dog as the dishwasher.

Your car is made out of 17 others and each part is a different color.

You repair your car in the autoparts store parking lot.

You can name all the characters from the “Dukes of Hazzard”.

You recite lines from “The Dukes of Hazzard”.

You keep track of all the belt holders in all the wrestling leagues.

You got married in the family car, in a drive-thru chapel.

You search your computer monitor for the dial that changes channels.

Your idea of a fancy dessert is “moon pie ala mode”.

You just bought your family their lst Atari game system.

You and your wife celebrate your anniversay at the K-mart cafeteria.

You think the only tools “real men” need are duck tape and caulk, and you have sucessful repair projects to prove it.

You’ve tried to quote Jeff Foxworthy and screwed it up.

You name your car the General Lee.

You might be a redneck if…You think “Country & Western” covers both types of music. You’ve ever used a hangnail as a tooth pick. You can chew your own toenails.You’ve ever used an inner-tube patch on your jeans. You want the opening day of deer hunting season to be declared a national holiday.Someone knocks on your front door and your back door rattles. You let goldenrod grow in your yard because it looks so pretty. You’ve ever absent-mindedly nibbled on your live bait . . . and didn’t spit it out.Your best Sunday clothes include your John Deere baseball cap. You go to a wedding or any formal party and ask someone to pull your finger.Your friend tells you he went online last night, and you think he took a drunk driving test.Your mama has more tattoos than you do. You think the ATM machine is a giant, public calculator. Your favorite cologne smells like exhaust. You think its okay to have your 6 year old babysit your 5, 4, and 3 year old.Your dog’s shots are up to date but your children’s aren’t. You use the water in your toilet to bob for apples. Your whole family sleeps in the same bed. You consider your annual bath one too many. You wore a baseball cap to the opera.

If your daddy walks you to school because you�re both in the same grade, you
might be a redneck!

You consider your annual bath one too many.You wore a baseball cap to the opera.If you are 20 and you can still go in McDonald’s playhouse.

Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.You have the taxidermist’s number on speed-dial.

You’re a redneck if…. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid
you’ll wear to the 4-H Fair.

it is 10:00 at the police station and there is only 2 officers working that day…Billy-Bob and Billi-Jo.

billy-bob: hey billi-jo…can i stick my finger in your belly-button?

billi-jo: sure billy-bob! :>

…now its 11:00 at the police station…

billy-bob: hey billi-jo…can i stick my finger in your belly-button?

billi-jo: sure billy-bob! :>

…now its midnight… and the power goes out…!!

billy-bob: hey billi-jo…can i stick my finger in your belly-button?

billi-jo: sure billy-bob! :>
wait?! billy-bob thats not my belly-button.

billy-bob: i know…:> and thats not my finger!! :>

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster “Ok, old fellow its time to retire.”The old rooster says, “You can’t handle all these chickens…look at what it did to me!”The young rooster replies, “Now, don’t give me a hassle about this.Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike.”The old rooster says, “Aw, c’mon…just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won’t bother you.”The young rooster says “Scram! Beat it! You’re washed up! I’m taking over.”So, the old rooster says to the young rooster, “I’ll tell you what young fellow. I’ll have a race with you around the farm house. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop.”The young rooster says, “You know I’m going to beat you, old man, so just to be fair I’m going to give you a head start.”They line up in back of the farm house , get a chicken to cluck “GO” and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him.They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what’s going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM! He blows the young rooster to bits.He sadly shakes his head and says, “Damn it, third gay rooster I bought this week!”

Why did God invent armadillos?
So that rednecks can have ‘possum on the half-shell

Atlanta School Board

The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the fuss over Ebonics, has decided to designate Southern slang, or “Hickphonics,” as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI — noun. Greeting.

HIRE YEW – Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: “Heidi. Hire yew.”

BARD — verb. Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”
Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”

JAWJUH — noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot-lanta.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.”

MUNTS — noun. A calendar division.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain’t herd from him in munts.”

IGNERT — adjective. Not smart. See “Arkansas native.”
Usage: “Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!”

RANCH — noun. A tool used for tight’nin’ bolts.
Usage: “I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”

ALL — noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”

FAR — noun. A conflagration.
Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh don’t change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.”

BAHS — noun. A supervisor.
Usage: “If you don’t stop reading these Southern words and git back to
work (or studying), your bahs is gonna far you!”

TAR — noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”

TIRE — noun. A tall monument.
Usage: “Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”

RETARD — Verb. To stop working.
Usage: “My grampaw retard at age 65.”

TARRED — adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: “I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred.”

FAT — noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or
combat.

ARE — pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.

RATS — noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: “We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats.”

FARN — adjective. Not local.
Usage: “I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed… must be from some farn
country.”

DID — adjective. Not alive.
Usage: “He’s did, Jim.”

EAR — noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: “He cain’t breath … give ‘im some ear!”

BOB WAR — noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”

JEW HERE — Noun and verb contraction.
Usage: “Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump’ny?”

HAZE — a contraction.
Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah… haze ignert.”

SEED — verb, past tense.

VIEW — contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City… view?”

if your father walkes your mother down the ils on your weddind day. you might be a redneck