Category: rednecks

1) you drive your house and sleep in your car.

2) You think a loaded dishwasher means your wife is drunk.

3) You have more than 2 relatives named Bah.

4) You let your 12 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of HER
kids.

5) You’ve been to a wedding reception at the waffle house.

You might be a redneck if you drive really fast backwards and slam on brakes just to clean out the back of your pickup truck.

You’re a redneck if….
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is “what the hell are
you looking at, s*******?”

You might be a redneck if…

If you are 20 and you can still go in McDonald’s playhouse.

If you think Purina is some kind of Ex-Lax.

You’ve ever given a set of Tupperware ice tea glasses as a wedding present.

Your dungarees expose more than half of your crack in the back because the weight of your pocket knife.

Your idea of heaven involves two shotguns and a keg of beer.

You picket your horses on your lawn so you won’t have to mow it.

You’re wearing a camoflauge jacket and dipping in your driver’s license pic.

You stop to flirt with the person running the drive through at McDonalds.

You save old kitchen appliances for target practice.

You save old kitchen appliances for children’s Christmas presents.

You get up EARLY on Saturday to go yard sale shopping for entertainment.

Your gun cabinet takes up half your living room.

Anytime your kids see a dog they get out their ropes and lasso it and tackle it to the ground.

Your master bathroom has the words “porta” and “potty” written on the side.

You can’t take a bath in the winter ’cause the stream is frozen.

You only bathe when it rains.

You think “Dueling Banjos” is classical music.

You refer to the Surgeon General’s Warning on a pack of cigarettes as your medical encyclopedia.

You go to garage sales to shop for Christmas gifts.

You’re 42 and still have clowns come to your birthday party.

You think ‘possum is the “other white meat”.

You’re a redneck if …. You have to honk the horn to get the chickens out of
the driveway when you come home.

You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin’ dog.You’re an expert on worm beds.The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.

Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month
He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles
You have a shuttle called “Billy Joe Bob”
He refers to Clintons as “Critters”
He refers to Photon Torpedoes as “Popguns”
He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coat hanger and aluminum foil
He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section
He says, “Got your ears on, good buddy” instead of “open hailing frequencies”

He hangs fuzzy dice over the view screen
He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle
He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it
He says, “Yee-Ha!” instead of “Engage”
He has a hand-tooled holster for his phase
He insists on calling his executive officer “Bubba”
He sets the fore view screen to reruns of “Bass master”
He programs the food replicate for beer, ribs, and turnip greens
He paints the starship John Deere green
He refers to a Pulsar as a “Blue Light Special”
He refers to the Muter Nebula as a “swamp”
His moonshine is stronger than Romulus Ale
He sings “Lucille” instead of “Kathleen”
His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls
He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge
His idea of a “gas giant” is that big old’ XO Bubba after a meal of beans and
weenies
He sets phase to “Cajun”

1. “You get this round and the next round is on me.” I’ll be leaving before
the next round.
2. “I’ll get this round and the next one is on you.” Happy hour is about to
end. Beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be $3.50.
3. “Hey, where is that friend of yours?” I have no interest in talking to you
except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.
4. “Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” (female) I’m easy.
5. “Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” (male) I’m gay.
6. “Ever try a body shot?” (male to female) I am even willing to drink tequila
if it means that I get to lick you.
7. “Ever try a body shot?” (female to male) If this is how wild I am in the
bar, imagine what I’ll do to you on the ride home?
8. “I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (female) You are paying more attention
to your friends than me.
9. I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (male) I’m horny.
10. “Who’s got the next round?” I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years,
but I am an expert at diverting attention.

Your driveway is two tire tracks with grass growing down the middle.You’ve ever invited friends over to show off what’s left of the squirrel that you shot with your deer gun.You have more tires in your yard than on your trucks.The idea for the Budweiser frogs came from listening to you and your friends trying to read the label on the bottle.

One day this man came from home very hungry. there was nothing
to eat but one can in the cupboard that had no label on it. he
said what the hell so he opened the can and started to eat it.
when the mans wife came home she saw him eating the can of food.
she said honey do you know that is dog food. he said no but it
is damn good go get some more. the man started eating the dog
food everyday. the woman being afraid it would hurt him went to
the doctor and asked the doctor if it wopuld hurt him. the
doctor said there were no chemicals in it that would hurt him so
she went home. then shje got to thinking and wanted to get
second opinion so she went to the minister of the church she
attended. the minister told her that the dog food would be the
death of the man.. she tried to get her husband to stop eating
the food. about two months later the man died and the doctor the
minister and the wife were talking. the doctor says i am sorry.
i thought for sure the food wouldnt kill him. the minister said
see i was right the food would kill him. she said no it wasnt
the food he was in the driveway licking his nuts and i ran him
over with the car.

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, “Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?”

The other replies, “Well I don’t
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him.”

So that night he did and God replied, “You are what you are.”

The next day he said to the other
zebra, “I still don’t understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are.”

The second zebra responds, “You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, ‘Yo is what yo is.'”

Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.Your birth announcement included the word “rug rat”.You’ve ever hitchhiked naked.