Category: rednecks

You’re a redneck if …. Your two year old has more teeth than you do.

Henry’s dad was a farmer in a poor district of the country.

One day his Uncle Festus came to visit. Since there were limited accommodations, they were required to sleep together.

When Uncle Festus came into the bedroom, he saw Henry kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed.

Thinking this was the child’s religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed.

Henry looked up and said, “Whatcha doin’?”

“Why, the same thing you’re doing,” replied Uncle Festus.

“Ma’s gonna be mad,” said Henry, “the pot’s on this side.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Your dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.

You have ever come home and heard a ruckus in the bathroom. When you looked in, one of the injured fowl had escaped, found the chicken in the mirror, and was currently fighting with said chicken. 56.There have ever been any gun parts, magazines, or ammunition stored on the window ledge of your kitchen. Particularly if they have if they have laid there long enough for the sun to bleach the paper on the shotgun shells.Any part of your driveway has ever been unusable due to nesting fowl.One or more doors to your house or trailer are periodically unusable due to nesting fowl.

You might be a redneck if your baby’s first words were, “Attention, K-mart
shoppers.

You’re probably a redneck if your family tree doesn’t fork.

More than one living relative is named after a southern Civil War general.

You’ve ever used lard in bed.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

The primary color of your car is “bond�.

A ceiling fan has ever ruined your hairdo.

You’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

You might be a redneck if your truck’s roof is higher than your trailer’s.

How can we tell that the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas?Had it been invented elsewhere, it would have been called a “teethbrush.

How many yankees does it take to screw in an lightbulb?

None, that’s what rednecks are for.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table…no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

• Ambulance is a mule driven buckboard with a spinning lantern.
• Nurses wear flour sack uniforms and look like burned out cloggers.
• Dogs hang around O. R. for scraps.
• Maternity Room is a do-it-yourself with fresh straw, a jack knife and a string.
• Anaesthesiologist in bib overalls, feeds you a clear liquid out of a mason jar.
• Your Gynaecologist is Ernest.
• Your Proctologist, who watched Deliverance 200 times, asks you if can squeal like a pig.
• The Interns are led by Ernest T. Bass.
• Surgical instruments include a stick of dynamite and a chain saw.
• Hospital food consists of picking your own corn on the roof.
• Immunisations are worn fanny-packs, full of lizard’s feet, owl’s beaks and pig’s ears.
• Double By-Pass Surgery is only done when it’s shown on The Learning Channel.
• You have a choice of walkers, with or without a gun rack.
• You share the Recovery Room with a sick cow.
• The bill is figured either in dollars or chickens.

You’re a redneck if…. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.