Category: puns / word play

A termite walks into a bar and asks:
“is the bartender here?”

C’mon…think about it! 🙂

One day, two brooms were getting married. The bride-broom told
the groom-broom that she was expecting a little whisk broom.
“But how?” Said the groom-broom, “We’ve never even swept
together!”

Ther was this Indian chief, and he had three wives. They slept in the same tent. One on a bear skin, one on a buffalo skin and one on a hippopotamus skin.

After a time the three had children. The one that slept on the bear skin had a baby boy, the one on the buffalo skin had a baby girl, and the one on the hippopotamus skin had a baby boy and a baby girl, proving that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the sqaws on the other two hides!!!

Every day a peddler pulled his cart of wool from his home to the village market. It was a long trip. He had to travel around the perimeter of a large lake that was owned by the town tycoon, a modern-day scrooge. One day during the winter the lake frozen over. The peddler realized that he could cut off two miles from his trip if he crossed over the lake. He was spotted halfway across the lake by the tycoon. Scrooge came racing out of his mansion and screamed at the peddler, “I’ll be darned if I let anyone pull the wool over my ice!”

Did you hear about the butcher who accidentally backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.

Did you hear about the dentist who married a manicurist?
They fight tooth and nail!

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa.

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He’s all right now.

Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug?
She had her baby in the spring.

Have you seen Quasimodo?
I have a hunch he’s back!

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How do snakes end a fight?
They hiss and make up.

How do you clean ice off tall buildings?
With sky scrapers.

How do you get a frog off the back window of your car?
Use the rear defrogger.

How do you revive a drowning rodent?
Give it mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.
“Is this yours?” he asked.

She said, “Yes, could you bring it up?” and the man agreed.
On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed.

Shortly afterwards she said, “I’m about to have dinner. There’s plenty; would you like to join me?” He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, “I’ve had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?”

The man hesitated then said, “Do you act like this with every man you meet?”
“No,” she replied, “Only those who catch my eye!”

There was a koala bear who was approached by a prostitute one
day. He had never been with a prostitute before. Curious and
excited, Koala spent the night with her and had a GREAT
time……

The next morning, he went down on her one last time before
departing. After he was done, Koala headed for the door and was
about to leave when the prostitute yelled, “hey……..what
about my money?”

Confused, the Koala turned around, gave her a puzzled look,
shrugging his shoulders, and replied “Huh?”

“Come here…..” she said and pulled a dictionary out of her
purse. She pointed to the word “prostitute” and its definition:
“has sex and gets paid.”

Finally understanding, the koala borrowed her dictionary, turned
to the word Koala and showed her its definition: “eats bush and
leaves.”

One day two cactuses were driving down the road. They passed a
car with two really hot cantaloupes so one of the cactuses rolls
down the window and yells “Hey! Nice melons!” The driver
cantaloupe turns to her friend and says, “What a couple of
pricks.”

You’d never believe it, but I bumped into a famous stuntman in a motorcycle shop the other day.

He was complaining because he couldn’t decide whether to buy a bike with a high top speed but poor acceleration, or one with lots of torque and a fast acceleration but a poor top speed.

Eventually he decided on the second one because it cost a lot less.
After all… torque is cheap.

Two cannibals meet one day…

The first cannibal says, “You know, I just can’t seem to get a tender Missionary. I’ve baked them, I’ve roasted them, I’ve stewed them, I’ve barbecued them, I’ve tried every sort of marinade. Just can’t seem to get them tender.”

The second cannibal asks, “What kind of Missionary do you use?”

The reply, “You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around their waist and they’re sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads.”

“Ah, Ha!” the second cannibal replies, “No wonder–those are fryers!”

A panhandler was caught trying to sneak aboard a Princess liner about to embark on a three-day trip to the Bahamas.

He was caught by the Purser who threw him off the ship telling him, “Beggars can’t be cruisers.”

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.

The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, “Mmmmm, I smell sausage.”

The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said “Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes.”

The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn’t because of the two bigger moles…
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Are you ready for this? 🙂
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The baby mole said, “The only thing I can smell is molasses!”