Category: puns / word play

LIFE UNDER THE SEA

What is life like under the sea? Is it a dogfish eat dogfish world? Is everyone united for a common porpoise? Or do they all split off in their own special groupers? Well, one tragic story indicates it’s not so perfect down there.

There was once a brilliant sturgeon on the staff of the community health fishility. He was in fact one of it’s flounders. Wiser than salmon, a fin fellow who would never shrimp from his responsibilities, he was successful and happy and always whistled a happy tuna.

One day one of his patients, a mere whipper snapper, started trouting around telling everyone the sturgeon’s treatments had made him more eel than he had been and the conked him with a malpractice suit.

Well, the sturgeon was in a real pickeral. The board chased him off the staff and demanded his oyster. But fortunately the case smelt to high heaven so the judge denied the plaintiff’s clam.

The board tried to hire the sturgeon back but by then he had hit the bottlenose pretty hard. But what’s really shad about the story is that the sturgeon ended up on squid-row…

15 Easy Steps To Crap Like A Woman

1. Under no circumstances use any other toilet than your own,
regardless of any stomach pain that may be caused while waiting
to get home.

2. With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the bowl by
your boyfriend/husband. Also wipe his pubic hair off the seat
with some toilet paper.

3. Flush the toilet before starting. Then wash your hands.

4. Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may
have sat on the toilet since it was last bleached).

5. Stuff toilet paper inside the bowl to prevent splash back.

6. Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to
squat over the seat as opposed to taking the risk of touching it
with bare flesh.

7. Release solids, but strain to avoid making any sounds.

8. Rise and quickly flush before direct eye contact is made with
any feces.

9. Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to
positively guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin (about
five or six applications per roll).

10. Wipe once and throw paper into the bowl. Do not look at the
paper.

11. Repeat steps 9 and 10 at least thirty times. It may be
necessary to yell for your boyfriend/husband to find some more
rolls to pass through the door while promising not to open his
eyes or pass any comments. It is traditional to do this while he
is trying to watch sports.

12. Flush the toilet and replace the lid.

13. Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.

14. Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air
freshener.

15. Pick up all reading material left behind by your
boyfriend/husband and leave bathroom, closing the door firmly
behind you.

The confused young man couldn’t decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith. Try as he might, he just could not make up his mind.

Unwilling to give up either, he strung them along for far too long. This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good.

Moral of the story: You can’t have your Kate and Edith too!

There once was a man and his family that lived in a little old
village. One day he was driving along and was hit by a
semi-truck. All of his family was killed and he was severely
injured. Because of his injuries and the time it took, he was
fired from his job.

Seeing the bad shape he was in, a group of monks decided to take
him in. They gave him the job of ringing the bell.

One Sunday, while the man was ringing the bell, the rope
snapped. He was so worried about his job that he ran up the
three flights of stairs. Upon reaching the top, he began to hit
the bell with his fists, but it didn’t work. So he began to ring
the bell with his head. It made a loud, grand ringing sound.
Unfortunately, the man became dizzy and fell down the bell tower
to his death.

Later that day the police arrived. All of the monks were out to
help answer any question they could. “Does anyone know this
man’s name?” asked on of the police officers. One of the monks
turned to him and said, “I don’t know his name, but his face
sure rings a bell.”

A boy is a man
A man is a king
A king is a ruler
A ruler is 12″
Still think your a man?

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!

But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! – A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant “Take another drink!” But the bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! – Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant “Take another drink!” The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! – Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left…. then to the right…. right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly!

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says…
“That boy should have quit while he was a head!”

It seems that Mary Poppins has moved to California. She has started a business telling people’s fortunes. But, she doesn’t read palms or tea leaves, she smells one’s breath. That, right, the sign outside reads: Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis.

A neutron walks into a bar, and asks for a drink.

The bartender serves it up, and the neutron asks, “Hey – how much?”

Bartender replies, “For you – no charge!”

Man 1: I just met a whore who had a vagina surgically implanted
on her hip.

Man 2: Why did she do that?

Man 1: She wanted to make a little extra money on the side.

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve mushrooms here.”

The mushroom says, “Why?! I’m a fun guy!”

Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other, “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. One of the tall trees says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.”

There was this nun named Sister Mary who, though she tried and tried, could never please the Mother Superior. One day she comes up with an idea: since the abbey was always cold, she decided to cut some wood and build a fire in the fireplace to heat the place up. She spent all day chopping, hauling and stacking wood. Subsequently, she wound up shredding the sleeves of her habit. Later that night, as the other nuns came into the rectory, they were delighted to find the place warm and cozy, with a big fire roaring in the fireplace. Then Mother Superior comes in and yells, “Sister Mary! Go fix your torn habit this instant!”Sister Mary, crying, asks, “But Mother Superior, aren’t you happy that the abbey is warm?” To which the Mother Superior replies, “Yes, but when you ax, then ye shall re-sleeve.”