Category: other

This is a bricklayer’s accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers’ Compensation Board. So here, thanks to John Sedgwick, is this Bricklayer’s report.

Dear Sir;

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put “Poor Planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a more complete explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

Q: What’s the difference between England and a tea bag?

A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

The chuior leader was so infatuated with the her pastor that one day she chased him around the church and grabbed him by the organ.

For three years, the young MP had been taking his vacations at the same country inn.

The last time he’d finally managed to score with the landlord’s daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.

There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

“Helen, why didn’t you write when you learned you were pregnant?” he cried.

“I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!”

“Well,” she said, “when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin’ and talkin’, and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a politician.”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by dolly04

60 California residents put on sweaters (if they can find one)

50 Miami residents turn on the heat

45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts

40 You can see your breath
California residents shiver uncontrollably
Minnesota residents go swimming

35 Italian cars don’t start

32 Water freezes

30 You plan your vacation to Australia

25 Ohio water freezes
California residents weep pitiably
Minnesota residents eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming

20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes
Miami residents plan vacation further South

15 French cars don’t start
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you

10 You need jumper cables to get the car going

5 American cars don’t start

0 Alaska residents put on T-shirts

-10 German cars don’t start
Eyes freeze shut when you blink

-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
Arkansas residents stick tongue on metal objects
Miami residents cease to exist

-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
Politicians actually do something about the homeless
Minnesota residents shovel snow off roof
Japanese cars don’t start

-25 Too cold to think
You need jumper cables to get the driver going

-30 You plan a two-week hot bath
Swedish cars don’t start

-40 California residents disappear
Minnesota residents button top button
Canadians put on sweaters
Your car helps you plan your trip South

-50 Congressional hot air freezes
Alaska residents close the bathroom window

-80 Hell freezes over
Polar bears move South
Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game

AND AT:

-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets….

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil…Satan: Why so glum?Guy: What do you think? I’m in hell!Satan: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?Guy: Sure, I love to drink.Satan: Well you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that’s all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca… we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And we don’t worry about getting a hangover, because you’re dead anyway.Guy: Gee, that sounds great!Satan: You a smoker?Guy: You better believe it!Satan: All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungsout. If you get cancer – no biggie, you’re already dead, remember?Guy: Wow… that’s awesome!Satan: I bet you like to gamble.Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt you’re dead anyhow.Satan: What about Drugs?!?Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don’t mean…Satan: That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you’re dead, who cares.Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!Satan: You gay?Guy: No…Satan: Ooooh (grimaces). You’re gonna hate Fridays.

Two military policemen were chasing a fleeing draftee from The military base.
The draftee ran into the courtyard of a convent where a nun was seated on a round bench beneath a tree quietly reading a book. He said to her “quick sister, please hide me I don’t want to be Drafted and the MP’s are chasing me!” She lifted up her skirts and said hide under my skirt.

The two policemen came By and asked if she had seen anyone. She replied “no”.

After they left she told the young boy to come out all was OK He said you have a nice set of legs for a nun! She replied if you reach up a little farther you’ll find a set of balls! I’m not going to be drafted either!

This suave-looking Redneck, (ok, just pretend there is one) walks into a bar and sees a cute little rich girl who’s had too much to drink.

He says to her, “Hey, baby…whataya say we go back to your place and get it on! Lost in her drink, she replies – “Sure, why not!”

They get to her place, and she lies on the bed and says, “Ok, show me what you do best!”.

Without delay, the Redneck rips off his jacket, –
grabs her T.V., VCR, and purse and runs out the door!

Frente a un manicomio, a un tipo se le poncha una llanta de su auto. Muy enojado iba retrasado, se baja a cambiarla. Un interno del manicomio lo observa a trav�s de la reja, mientras maldice su suerte; al percatarse de eso, se enfurece a�n m�s. En un descuido, el individuo tira las tuercas a una alcantarilla.

“�Maldita sea! �Ahora qu� voy ha hacer? �C�mo pongo la llanta?”

El loco sigue curioseando y le pregunta al hombre:

“�Se le fueron las tuercas a la alcantarilla, verdad?”

“Pues s�, �qu� no ves? �Y ahora no s� c�mo hacerle, ya se me hizo muy tarde!”

“Oiga, se�or, �y cu�ntas tuercas tiene cada llanta?”

“Pues cuatro, �qu� no sabes?”

“Entonces, �por qu� no le quita una a cada llanta, as� todas quedan con tres?”

El sujeto, asombrado por el consejo que le dio el orate, se pone a quitar una tuerca a cada llanta, y as� soluciona su problema. Cuando ya est� listo para seguir su camino le agradece al chalado el consejo:

“Te agradezco mucho que me hayas dado tan buena idea; pero se ve que eres inteligente �por qu� entonces estas ah� adentro?”

“Ah, pues es que estoy aqu� por loco, no por pendejo”.

Little Johnny returns from school after the weekend.”Now kids. Who wants to tell me what they got up to on the weekend?”asks the teacher.Little Johnny puts his hand up, but the teacher knows that Johnny can’t refrain from swearing, so she ignores him. Tina has her hand up so the teahcer says “Yes Tina. What did you do on the weekend?””Well Miss. I went over my fwends house, and we played Barbies and had midnight snacks and stuff”, replies Tina.”That sounds great,” replies the teacher.”Who else is going to tell me what they did on the weekend?”Little Johnny has his hand up.”No Johnny,” replies the teacher.”You swear to much.””Damn you,” says Johnny.The teacher sees that Sean has his hand up.”Yes Sean,” She says.”WHat did you do on the weekend?””Wellll miss,” he says.”I went to my Brothers and we played G.I. Joes and stuff.””Anybody else?” she asks. She sees that Johnny still has his hand up.”Okay Johnny,” she says.”As long as you promise not to swear.””ok.””Well tell the class what you did then,” says the teacher.”I went to my dads Miss,” he says.”So far so good,” says the teacher.”We went fishing,” Says Johnny.” and we found and caught some toads.””Sounds interesting.” Says the teacher.”Then we shoved fire-crackers up their arses.””RECTUM Johnny. RECTUM!” says the teacher.”RECTUM MISS?” Johnny yelled.”WE BLEW THE FUCK OUTTA THEM!”THE END

One night, as a drunk man went up the stairs to go to bed after
a long night fell as he was half-way up. It so happened that
there was a glass bottle in the back pocket of his jeans, so
when he fell, he cut his bum.

The next time he tried, he got up. He went to get a bandaid and
went into the bathroom to stick it on. He finally got it stuck
on.

The next morning, when he recovered from his drunkness, he felt
his bum, to find that the bandaid wasn’t there anymore.

He decided to finally get up and out of bed, and as he went into
the bathroom to brush his teeth and wash his face, he saw a
bandaid on the mirror!

~~~~~so theres 2 muffins in an oven, on muffin says
“damn, it’s hot as hell in here” and the other muffin goes,
“AAH! A TALKING MUFFIN!!”~~~~~

wasn’t that the funnies joke u ever heard? laugh!
I SAID LAUGH DAMMIT! LAUGH!