Category: other

Three young Irish candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: the Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man’s penis. In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.
*Ting-a-ling* “Oh, Patrick,” says the Monsignor, “I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go now and take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness.”

The candidate leaves.

The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops: *Ting-a-ling*

“Joseph, Joseph,” sighs the Monsignor. “You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness.”

The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final candidate. Nothing. She writhes up and down against his body. No response. Finally,exhausted, she quits.

“Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you,” says the Monsignor. “Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers.”

*Ting-a-ling*

BONN, Germany (Reuter) — Thousands of Germans are keeping unfortunate surnames such as Kotz (Vomit), Moerder (Murder), Brathuhn (Roast chicken) and even Hitler, even though they could legally change them, a magazine reported Sunday.

The German phonebook lists hundreds of people with the surname Faul (Lazy), Fett (Fat), Dreckmann (Filth-man), Dumm (Stupid) and Schwein (Pig), the weekly Focus magazine said in an advance release ahead of publication Monday.

Unflatteringly named Germans said that they mainly had problems with their names as children and that later in life they had decided not to bow to social pressure to change them.

“Why should I have a different name from my father and grandfather?” said one Herr Schwein.

A retired US Marine was looking for a new job. He finally found one that
appealed to his interests. At the interview, he was asked,
“Do you have any military experience?”

The Marine replied, “Why, yes! I’ve been in the Marines for a couple of
years.”

“I see,” said the interviewer, “any disabilities?”

The Marine looked at him and replied shakily. “Well… In the Vietnam War I
had a grenade go off between my legs, blowing off my testicles.”

The interviewer, quite shocked, said “All right, you’re hired. Please report
to work on Monday at 10:00am.”

“Wait wait!” shouted the Marine, “When do the others start? I don’t want any
special treatment just because of my disability.”

The interviewer replied, “Well… I’ll tell you the truth. Everyone normally
comes at 7:00 in the morning, but nothing gets done until 10. All we do is sit
around, scratching our nuts trying to figure out what to do.”

A man goes onto Stars in there eyes,the audience clap wildley as as he walks onto the stage.
He is greeted by Mathew Kelly who introduces him as “Steve, a mechanic from Manchester”. Steve gives a brief description of himself, and Mathew asks, ” Who are you going to be tonight Steve?” To which he replies, “Tonight mathew i`m going to be Glen Miller.”
Steve turns,walks up the steps, the sliding doors open, and he walks off into the mist…. and no ones seen him since.

Una noche la mujer de la pareja de reci�n casados escucha ruidos afuera de la casa, y le dice a su marido:

“Mi amor, mi amor creo que hay algiuen afuera.”

“Afuera no hay nadie, du�rmete.”

“Pero mi amor, hay alguien.”

“Du�rmete, ya me tienes harto.”

“Por lo menos as�mate a la ventana para que parezca que tenemos perro…”

Dos monjas que est�n siendo violadas y una dice:

“Padre, perd�nalo porque no sabe lo que hace.”

A lo que la otra replica:

“Ser� el tuyo, porque el m�o lo hace como los dioses.”

OK GET THIS. OK THERES A MOTHER,A FATHER,A SON,AND A DAUGHTER THAY WERE HAVING SOME GUESTS FOR DINNER THAT NITE THE FATHER TELLS THE SON TO GO GET A HOT DOG AND NOT TO GET CANDY SO THE LITTLE BOY IS AT THE CANDY STORE GOES UP TO THE CLERK AND SAYS”DO YOU HAVE A KNIFE?” THE CLERK SAYS”YES” AND HANDS HIM THE KNIFE THE SON SAID TO THE CLERK “DO YOU HAVE A BATHROOM?” THE CLERK KNODS YES AND POINTS TO IT.THE BOY WENT IN THE BATHROOM WITH THE KNIFE AND CUTS OF HIS DICK GETS CANDY WITH THE MONEY GETS BACK TO THE HOUSE AND THE MOTHER ASKS THE DAUGHTER TO GO GET A PUSSY (CAT) AND TOLD HER NOT TO BUY ANY GLITER THE MOTHER GIVES HER MONEY THE DAUGHTER GOES TO THE GLITER SHOP AND ASKS THE CLERK”DO YOU HAVE A KNIFE?” THE CLERK SAYS “YES” AND HANDS IT TO HER THEN SHE ASKS “DO HAVE A BATHROOM?” HE KNODES YES AND POINTS. SHE GOES IN AND CUTS OFF HER PUSSY GETS GLITER WITH THE MONEY BACK HOME THE DAD ASKS THE SON IF HE CAN GO GET MEAT BALLS AND TELLS HIM NOT TO BUY CANDY AND GIVES HIM MONEY HE GOES TO THE CANDY STORE AND WELL YOU ALREADY KNOWS WHAT HAPENS BACK HOME MOMS NOW MAKING DINNER ITS CHRISTMAS AND MOM GAVE SIS HER PRESENT (THE PUSSY) DAD GIVES BRO HIS PRESENT AND ITS CANDY LATER THAT NITE THAY STARTED EATING THERE FOOD I HOPE THAY GOT WHAT THAY WANTED. THE END

One morning a married couple woke up and decided to have sex. They looked over and saw there 12 month old son hopping up and down in the crib.

This wife has been married for seven years and has
six kids and is tired of being pregnant. So, she goes
to talk to her priest, the priest tells her to go and
by a ten gallon bucket and stick her feet in it of a night,
she thanks him and goes off to do as he says.

Well six months later the priest sees her and sure enough
she is pregnant again. The priest asks her if she followed
his instructions, she said yes but that she could not find
a ten gallon bucket so she bought two five gallon buckets.

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it. “I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi… where did I go wrong?”

“Funny you should come to me,” said the Rabbi. “Like you, I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian.”

“What did you do?” asked the lawyer. “I turned to God for the answer,” replied the rabbi.

“And what did he say?”

He said, “Funny you should come to me…”

This is a bricklayer’s accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers’ Compensation Board. So here, thanks to John Sedgwick, is this Bricklayer’s report.

Dear Sir;

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put “Poor Planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a more complete explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

“Say, Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?”

She told him, “Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.”

Then he asked, “Why is my sister named Cornflower?”

She replied, “Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her.”

“And why is my other sister called Moon child?”

The mother said, “We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.”

The Mom paused and then asked her son, “Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?�