Un se�or mientras com�a en

Un se�or mientras com�a en un lujoso restaurant nota que todos los camareros tienen una cuchara en el bolsillo de su chaqueta y un hilo colgando del zipper del pantal�n. Llama a uno y le pregunta:

“�Para qu� es la cuchara?”

“Luego de un peque�o estudio, nuestro jefe determin� que se perd�a demasiado tiempo buscando cucharas en la cocina cada vez que un cliente solicitaba una.”

“�Y el hilo?”

“Tambi�n es para ganar tiempo. Cada vez que vamos al ba�o s�lo halamos del hilo y nuestro bin-bin sale, orinamos y as� no tenemos que lavarnos las manos.”

“Ok, �pero c�mo lo vuelven a meter?

“Yo no s� los otros, yo uso la cuchara…”

Un hombre blanco de complexi�n

Un hombre blanco de complexi�n diminuta entra a un elevador. Adentro est� un corpulento negro. El negro dice:

“Dos metros 10 cent�metros, 160 kilos, miembro de 60 cent�metros, test�culo izquierdo de 1 kilo 500 gramos, test�culo derecho de 1 kilo 250 gramos. Me llamo Dante Voltta.”

El blanco cae desmayado al piso. El negro se alarma y se agacha a levantarlo. Trata de reanimarlo, lo agita y finalmente recobra la conciencia.

“�Qu� te pas�?”

“�Qu� me dijiste cuando entr�?”

El negro repite:

“Dos metros 10 cent�metros, 160 kilos, miembro de 60 cent�metros, test�culo izquierdo de 1 kilo 500 gramos, test�culo derecho de 1 kilo 250 gramos. Me llamo Dante Voltta.”

El hombre blanco dice:

“�Gracias al cielo!, pens� que hab�as dicho �DATE VUELTA!”

Got Any Grapes?

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, “Got any grapes?”The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn’t serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and says, “Got any grapes?”Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ”Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!” The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ”Got any nails?” Confused, the bartenders says no. ”Good!” says the duck. ”Got any grapes?”

He Might Know You

There was a man and woman traveling along in their car. The man was driving when a police officer pulls them over. The officer walks up to the window and says “Did you know you were speeding back there.”

The lady (who is almost deaf) said to her husband “What did he say, what did he say?”

The man turns to his wife and said “He said I was speeding.” The officer then said “Where are you from?”

The man replied “Chicago”

The wife then says “What did he say, what did he say?”

The man turns to his wife and said, “He wanted to know where we came from.”

The officer then said “Shit, you know, I had my worst fuck ever in Chicago.”

The lady then says “What did he say, what did he say?”

The man turns back and says “He says he thinks he knows you.”

Top Ten Marketing Screw Ups

1. Coors put its slogan, “Turn it loose,” into Spanish, where it
was read as “Suffer from diarrhea.”

2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the
following in an American campaign: “Nothing sucks like an
Electrolux.”

3. Clairol introduced the “Mist Stick”, a curling iron, into
German only to find out that “mist” is slang for manure. Not too
many people had use for the “manure stick.”

4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used
the same packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian
baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies
routinely put pictures on the label of what’s inside, since most
people can’t read.

5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the
name of a notorious porno magazine.

6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the
Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of “I
saw the Pope” (el Papa), the shirts read “I saw the potato” (la
papa).

7. Pepsi’s “Come alive with the Pepsi Generation” translated
into “Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave”, in
Chinese.

8. Frank Perdue’s chicken slogan, “it takes a strong man to make
a tender chicken” was translated into Spanish as “it takes an
aroused man to make a chicken affectionate.”

9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as “Ke-kou-ke-la”,
meaning “Bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with
wax”, depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000
characters to find a phonetic equivalent “ko-kou-ko-le”,
translating into “happiness in the mouth.”

10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads
were supposed to have read, “it won’t leak in your pocket and
embarrass you”. Instead, the company thought that the word
“embarazar” (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read:
“It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.”

That hungry!!!

I was just visiting some friends who have a real working farm.

I was watching this one rooster chasing after this hen, when the friend’s wife came out to feed them.

The rooster stopped chasing the hen at once and ran over to begin eating.

I stood there thinking to myself, “Damn ! I hope I never get that hungry.”

Irish Priests

Three young Irish candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: the Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man’s penis. In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.
*Ting-a-ling* “Oh, Patrick,” says the Monsignor, “I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go now and take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness.”

The candidate leaves.

The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops: *Ting-a-ling*

“Joseph, Joseph,” sighs the Monsignor. “You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness.”

The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final candidate. Nothing. She writhes up and down against his body. No response. Finally,exhausted, she quits.

“Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you,” says the Monsignor. “Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers.”

*Ting-a-ling*

Germans Retain Surnames

BONN, Germany (Reuter) — Thousands of Germans are keeping unfortunate surnames such as Kotz (Vomit), Moerder (Murder), Brathuhn (Roast chicken) and even Hitler, even though they could legally change them, a magazine reported Sunday.

The German phonebook lists hundreds of people with the surname Faul (Lazy), Fett (Fat), Dreckmann (Filth-man), Dumm (Stupid) and Schwein (Pig), the weekly Focus magazine said in an advance release ahead of publication Monday.

Unflatteringly named Germans said that they mainly had problems with their names as children and that later in life they had decided not to bow to social pressure to change them.

“Why should I have a different name from my father and grandfather?” said one Herr Schwein.

Retired Marine

A retired US Marine was looking for a new job. He finally found one that
appealed to his interests. At the interview, he was asked,
“Do you have any military experience?”

The Marine replied, “Why, yes! I’ve been in the Marines for a couple of
years.”

“I see,” said the interviewer, “any disabilities?”

The Marine looked at him and replied shakily. “Well… In the Vietnam War I
had a grenade go off between my legs, blowing off my testicles.”

The interviewer, quite shocked, said “All right, you’re hired. Please report
to work on Monday at 10:00am.”

“Wait wait!” shouted the Marine, “When do the others start? I don’t want any
special treatment just because of my disability.”

The interviewer replied, “Well… I’ll tell you the truth. Everyone normally
comes at 7:00 in the morning, but nothing gets done until 10. All we do is sit
around, scratching our nuts trying to figure out what to do.”