Category: other

So this isn’t Home Sweet Home … Adjust!

Martha Stewart doesn’t live here!!

Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!

I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.

If you write in the dust, please don’t date it!

I would cook dinner but I can’t find the can opener!

My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!

I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

If you don’t like my standards of cooking …lower your
standards.

Although you’ll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down,
converse.

It doesn’t always look like this: Some days it’s even
worse.

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is
delirious.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they
shall never cease to be amused.

Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and
gone on to lead normal lives.

My next house will have no kitchen … just vending
machines.

I’d live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a
speed bump.

Ok, there’s a farmer and he has 3 teenage daughters. One night around 7:30 the doorbell rings. He goes to answer the door and there is a teenage boy standing there.

Farmer: Hi. Can I help you?

Boy: Yeh… My name is Joe, I’m here to pick up Flo. We’re gonna’ see a show, Can she go?

Farmer: Well, of course, but she’s not ready yet. You can come in and sit on the sofa and wait.

Joe goes and sits on the sofa, and about 10 minutes later the doorbell rings again. The farmer answers the door, and there’s another teenage boy out on the porch.

Farmer: Hi, How can I help you?

Boy#2: Hey! My name is Eddie, and I’m here to pick up Betty. We’re going to eat spaghetti, is she ready?

Farmer: No she’s not but you can join Joe on the sofa.

About 5 minutes later, Joe, Flo, Eddie, and Betty all leave to go to town. Later that evening, the farmer hears tires squealing, a car door slam and footsteps running up the front stairs. The doorbell rings so he grabs his shotgun just in case something bad happens. When he opens the door, there’s another teenage boy standing there and he reeks of booze.

Farmer: Let me guess, you’re here to see one of my daughters.

Boy#3: Yeah… My name is Chuck….

BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!

Things not to say on your Valentine’s date…1. Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra? 2. I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired. 3. No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it’s not good to mix alcohol and penicillin. 4. I refuse to get cable. That’s how they keep tabs on you. 5. People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell. 6. I used to come here all the time with my ex. 7. I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn’t hurt to consider it. 8. Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn’t hear my voice on the answering machine every hour. 9. I like clay. It’s mushy. 10. I really feel that I’ve grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn’t have given someone like you a second look. 11. And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest. 12. I know you said you don’t eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask. 13. It’s been tough, but I’ve come to accept that most people I date just won’t be as smart as I am.

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone “brother”
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn’t get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Fathers business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure that he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all – 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment’s notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it.
3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.

Amen!!!

Q: Why can’t they have sexed and drivers ed on the same day in Arkansas high
schools?
A: It’s too hard on the mule!

What’s the definition of a Yankee? Same thing as a “quickie”, only you do it yourself.

There was a British, a polish, and a Frenchman. They were in a plane that had crashed. They were all really hot as they walked across the desert. After a hour, they saw a magic lamp. They shook it up and saw a genie come out. The genie told them that they each got one wish.

They British wished for a fan to cool down. The Polish wished for a jug of water so he could drink it. The Frenchman wished for a car door, so when he got hot, he could pull down the window.

From a passenger cruise ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

“Who is it?” a passenger asks the captain.

“I’ve no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts.”

An 80-year-old man goes to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor tells him, “You’re in terrific shape. There’s nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. By the way, how old was your father when he died?”

The 80-year-old responded, “Did I say he was dead?”

The doctor couldn’t believe it! So he said, “Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?

The 80-year-old responded again, “Did I say he was dead?”

The doctor was astonished. He said, “You mean to tell me you are 80 years old and both your father and your grandfather are both alive?”

“Not only that,” said the patient, “my grandfather is 126 years old, and next week he is getting married for the first time.”

The doctor said, “After 126 years of being a bachelor why on earth did your grandfather want to get married?”

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, “Did I say he wanted to?”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Glaci

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami.

They had been meeting that park every sunny day, for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each others’ friendship.

One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, “Please don’t be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed. After all these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can’t.”

The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for 2 full minutes, and finally says, “How soon do you have to know?”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Saddam sent his son shopping to get some food.

His son came back with the food on his head.

So Saddam says “Why have you got the shopping on your head?”

The son replies, “Because there is no Baghdad!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

How do stop an Italian from talking?

Tie his hands behind his back.