Category: other

Q: What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?
A: Dam.

Un hombre muy seguro de s� mismo entra a un Bar y se sienta enseguida de una mujer muy atractiva. El hombre la ve despistadamente y mira su reloj por un momento. La chica nota esto y le pregunta:

“�Tu chica no lleg� a tiempo?”

“No”, contesta �l. “Simplemente que acabo de comprar este reloj muy sofisticado.”

“�Sofisticado? �Qu� tiene de especial?”, dice la chica.

“Pues ver�s, este reloj se comunica telep�ticamente conmigo a trav�s de rayos Alfa.”

“�Y qu� es lo que te dice ahora?”

“Pues me dice que t� no est�s vistiendo ropa interior.”

La mujer sonri�ndose le dice: “Pues tal vez tu reloj no funciona porque s� visto ropa interior.”

El hombre le contesta: “�Cabr�n! Se me hace que este pinche reloj anda adelantado una hora.”

ur momma is so poor she buys your clothes half price at the 99cent store

Single men always say, “Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?”

Well, a nation wide survey for the women.

80% of todays women are against marriage.

Why?

Because they say, “Why buy the entire PIG just to get a little sausage?”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
You sound reasonable: Time to up my medication.
I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really
quite busy.
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

If You Can Read This, I Can Slam On My Brakes And Sue You

Jesus Loves You, The Rest Of Us Think You’re An Idiot.

Forget World Peace — Visualize Turning Off Your Turn Signal!

HANG UP AND DRIVE!

Where There’s A Will…I Want To Be In It!

Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again?

I Have The Body Of A God ………. Buddha

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

This Bumper Sticker Exploits Illiterates

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

Honk If Anything Falls Off

He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit

There are these two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, “As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you’ve wished to do the most.”

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, “Um, you have fifteen minutes left. Would you care to do it again?” He asks her, “Shall we?” She eagerly replies, “Oh, yes, let’s! But let’s change positions. This time I hold the pigeon down and you crap on its head!”

One day a family were sitting at dinner eating dear meat. The dad said, ” kids, if you can guess what we are eating i will give you 10.00. So the 1st lil girl says, “chicken”
he says,”nope”. the second child which is a boy says turkey? he says no. He says i will give you one clue… its something your mom calls me.There was a long pause then the little girl says CHARLIE SPIT THAT OUT YOUR EATING BUTTHOLE!!

So this isn’t Home Sweet Home … Adjust!

Martha Stewart doesn’t live here!!

Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!

I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.

If you write in the dust, please don’t date it!

I would cook dinner but I can’t find the can opener!

My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!

I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

If you don’t like my standards of cooking …lower your
standards.

Although you’ll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down,
converse.

It doesn’t always look like this: Some days it’s even
worse.

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is
delirious.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they
shall never cease to be amused.

Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and
gone on to lead normal lives.

My next house will have no kitchen … just vending
machines.

I’d live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a
speed bump.

Ok, there’s a farmer and he has 3 teenage daughters. One night around 7:30 the doorbell rings. He goes to answer the door and there is a teenage boy standing there.

Farmer: Hi. Can I help you?

Boy: Yeh… My name is Joe, I’m here to pick up Flo. We’re gonna’ see a show, Can she go?

Farmer: Well, of course, but she’s not ready yet. You can come in and sit on the sofa and wait.

Joe goes and sits on the sofa, and about 10 minutes later the doorbell rings again. The farmer answers the door, and there’s another teenage boy out on the porch.

Farmer: Hi, How can I help you?

Boy#2: Hey! My name is Eddie, and I’m here to pick up Betty. We’re going to eat spaghetti, is she ready?

Farmer: No she’s not but you can join Joe on the sofa.

About 5 minutes later, Joe, Flo, Eddie, and Betty all leave to go to town. Later that evening, the farmer hears tires squealing, a car door slam and footsteps running up the front stairs. The doorbell rings so he grabs his shotgun just in case something bad happens. When he opens the door, there’s another teenage boy standing there and he reeks of booze.

Farmer: Let me guess, you’re here to see one of my daughters.

Boy#3: Yeah… My name is Chuck….

BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!

Swampy Marsh, the young Australian father-to-be, is waiting anxiously outside the maternity ward where his wife is having their first baby. He is pacing the floor when the nurse comes out and says, “You have a little boy, Mr. Marsh, but you had better go out and have a cup of coffee, because there may be another one.” Swampy turns a little pale and leaves.

Some time later he phones the hospital and is told that he the father of twins, but the nurse cautions, “There is another on the way, so call back later.”

At that Swampy decides that coffee is not strong enough, so he goes to a bar and has some beer. When he phones the hospital again he is told that the third baby has arrived and a fourth is on the way. White-faced, he stumbles to the bar and orders a double scotch.

Twenty minutes later, he tries to phone again, but he is so drunk that he dials the wrong number and gets the recorded cricket game score. When they pick him up off the floor the recording is still going strong: “The score is ninety-six all out,” says the voice, “and the last one was a duck.”

A minister gave a talk to the Lion’s Club on sex.

When he got home he couldn’t tell his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.

A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.

She said, “Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he’s only tried it twice.

The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off!”