Category: other

Last year authorities in Montana discovered that a hermit had been living in an old Forest Service cabin, and they were concerned about his well being. They decided to send up a team of experts from different fields to analyze his living arrangements, and to make sure that he was okay.

First they decided on a Psychologist, to make sure that the man was mentally handling his isolation. Next, they decided on an Engineer, to make sure that the cabin is still structurally sound and safe. Finally, they decided on a Theological professor from the university, to make sure that the man’s spiritual needs were being fulfilled.

The team made it’s way up the treacherous terrain in three days, but they were truly exhausted. Finally, on the evening of the third day, they spotted the cabin. From the outside, it appeared all was well.
The area around the cabin was clean, the ground almost appearing as though it had been swept often. There was smoke coming from the stove pipe chimney, and the door was slightly ajar.
Cautiously, they walked inside.

Inside the cabin everything appeared neat and tidy. The only thing that stood out, and this immediately caught the attention of all three men, was that the stove was suspended 18 inches off of the floor by about a hundred wires attached to the ceiling. The pattern of the wires was very intricate, cutting this way and that, and it appeared to be a very sturdy arrangement.

At first, all three men did not know what to make of the arrangement. Finally with a loud, “Oh yes!” the Psychologist spoke. “This very clearly explains this man’s desire to return to the womb. He has arranged the stove so that he can crawl underneath to, once again, feel the warmth of the womb.”

“Nonsense!” exclaimed the Engineer. “This serves a very clear and definite thermodynamic purpose. He has lifted the stove so as to reduce the zone which the heat has to permeate, allowing the cold air to remain within the cabin, locking the heat in place. This man is a genius.”

The Theological Professor stayed quiet a moment longer, but then he too spoke. “I hate to disappoint you both, but I believe you are both wrong. The placement of fire on raised altars has always been a significant emblem of the existence of faith and religion in cultures of the past and present. It would clearly be that this man has created an altar for whatever faith he has clung onto or, worse yet, created.”

At this, the three men argued until there was a loud knock at the door, and the three men turned to see that the hermit had returned to his home. Immediately the three men approached him and demanded to know the significance of the placement of the stove.

The hermit stared at the three men long enough to hush them up, and then he spoke.

“Simple…had to fix stove pipe…plenty of wire…not enough stove pipe!”

MR. SMITH got himself a new secretary.
She was young, sweet and pretty.
One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.

When leaving the room she said, “Oh, Mr. Smith, did you know your barracks
door is open?”

He did not understand her remark, but later he happened to look down and saw
his zipper was open.

He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in he asked,
“By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open did you also see a
soldier standing at attention?”

The secretary who was quite witty said, “Why no Mr. Smith.
All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags.”

You go to a cockfight.

How do you know if an American is there?……. He’s the one with a duck.

How do you know if an Italian is there?…….He bet on the duck.

How do you know if the Mafia is there?……. The duck wins.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

Q. What’s red and white and red and white and hard to swallow?
A. A fire engine sandwich.

This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife’s dentures… and I couldn’t stop talking!

THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOUNot much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone … more or less. He was doing the usual “walking and talking” when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time.

A man phoned up a chinese restaurant and said do you deliver?
The Chinese man said no but we do chikhen lamb beef and pork.

Twas’ the night before payback and all the land,
They’re running like rabbits through Afghanistan,
Osama’s been praying, he down on his knees,
He’s hoping that Allah will hear all his pleas.

He thought if he killed us, that we’d fall and shatter,
But all he did was make us madder,
We ain’t yet forgotten our Marines in Beruit,
We’ll come kick your butt with one heavy boot.

He haven’t forgotten your buddy Saddam,
He hasn’t forgotten the sound of our bomb,
You think those mountains are a good place to hide? they’ll go
down In history as the place you died.

Remember Khadafi and his line of death,
He cam every close to his final breath,
So come & prove it that you are a man,
‘Cause our boys are coming and they have a plan.

Osama I wrote especailly for you,
For air-mail delivery by B-52,
You’ll soon be hearing a thud and a whistle,
Old Glory is coming , attached to a missle.

I will not be sorry to see you go,
‘Cause IT’A RED, WHITE & BLUE THAT IS RUNNING THE SHOW!!!

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. “How’d you die?” the first man asks the second.

“I froze to death,” says the second.

“That’s awful,” says the first man.

“How does it feel to freeze to death?”

“It’s very uncomfortable at first,” says the second man.

“You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping. How did you die?”

“I had a heart attack,” says the first man. “You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.”

The second man shakes his head. “That’s so ironic,” he says.

“What do you mean?” asks the first man.

“If only you had stopped to look in the freezer, when you had run down to the basement, we’d both still be alive.”

Cover Charge: $15.00
Round of Drinks: $23.00
Table Dance: $30.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Couch Dance and Tips: $50.00
A Round of Shots: $34.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
Private Dance and Hotel Room: $500.00
Sending her on her way without having to cuddle or listen to her:

………..PRICELESS!

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Iba caminando una pareja en la noche por el parque, cuando pasa un borrachito con el pene fuera del pantal�n.

“�Mira viejo, ese animal!” exclama la se�ora.

Y dice el borrachito:

“No se preocupe, se�ora, lo traigo agarrado.”

A handsome American Army captain, assigned to the American Embassy’s military
attache office in London, was shopping in Harrod’s during his lunch hour and got
the hungries.

He went to the cafeteria, loaded a tray, and the only available space was at a
table occupied by a gorgeous gal. He asked the gal if he could share the table
with her, which is the accepted procedure in jolly old England. She nodded. He
sat down and they began a conversation.

They were smitten with each other and one thing led to another until he ended
up in her flat for a little horizontal recreation. Both enjoyed it immensely.

He had to go back to work and didn’t see her again until a couple weeks later
when he met her on the street near his Embassy. “Hello, Pamela,” he said.

She gave him a drop dead look. He was crestfallen. “Pamela,” he said. “Don’t
you remember me? Remember lunch in Harrod’s? Remember the wonderful time we had
at your flat?”

She remained unmoved and said haughtily, “Since when did intercourse
constitute a formal introduction?”