Category: other

A fireman comes home from work and is all excited. He just can�t wait to tell his wife the good news about a new system that they have down at the station.

“Honey!” he says, “you�re not going to believe this! Down at the station we have this new system and it�s so great.

When Bell #1 goes off we put on all our gear.

When Bell #2 goes off we slide down the pole and jump in the fire truck.

When Bell #3 goes off we speed to the fire in the fire truck.” He excitedly tells his wife.

Triumphantly he says, We�re going to do the same thing for our sex life!

When Bell #1 goes off we are going to strip naked.

When Bell #2 goes off we will jump into bed.

When Bell #3 goes off we will screw our brains out.

Let�s give a test run. OK, ready? “Bell #1!” (they strip naked)

“Bell #2!” (they hop into bed)

“Bell #3!” (they start screwing there brains out)

A couple of minutes later the wife starts screaming “Oh, Bell #4! Bell #4!”.

The husband confused says,”Bell #4, What�s that?”

The wife screams “More hose! More hose! Your not reaching the fire!!!”

There was a group of scientists and they were all sitting around discussing which one of them was going to go to God and tell Him that they didn’t need him anymore.

One of the scientists volunteered and went to go tell God he was no longer needed.

The scientist says to God – “God, you know, a bunch of us have been thinking and I’ve come to tell you that we really don’t need you anymore. I mean, we’ve been coming up with great theories and ideas, we’ve cloned sheep, and we’re on the verge of cloning humans. So as you can see, we really don’t need you.”

God nods understandingly and says. “I see. Well, no hard feelings.
But before you go let’s have a contest. What do you think?”

The scientist says, “Sure. What kind of contest?”
God: “A man-making contest.”

The scientist: “Sure! No problem”.
The scientist bends down and picks up a handful of dirt and says, “Okay, I’m ready!”

God replies, “No, no, no… You go get your own dirt.”

Are you from Wisconsin?
1. You’ve never met any celebrities.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a
tractor on the highway.
3. “Vacation” means going to Kenosha.
4. You’ve seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were
popular.
5. You measure distance in minutes.
6. You know several people who have hit a deer.
7. Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
8. Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
9. You’ve ridden the school bus for an hour each way.
10. You’ve had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.
11. You think ethanol makes your truck “run a lot better.”
12. You know what’s knee-high by the Fourth of July.
13. Stores don’t have bags; they have sacks.
14. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.
15. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with
no one in it no matter what time of the year.
16. You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition.
Example:”Where’s my coat at?” or “If you go to town I wanna
go with”
7. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,
vegetable, grain, or animal.
18. You install security lights on your house and garage and
leave both unlocked.
19. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer,
and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
20. You carry jumper cables in your car.
21. You know what “cow tipping” and “snipe hunting” is.
22. You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
23. You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a
snowsuit.
24. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are
filled with snow.
25. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
26. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.
27. The local paper covers national and international headlines
on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
28. You think that deer season is a national holiday.
29. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
30. You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Hotter than
Hell,and Road Construction.
31. There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of
1000 of more.
32. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your
friends from Wisconsin.

There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex.

Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel. He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away.

The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel.

The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.

Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.

He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help. The hottest girl said ,”If you fix our car we will do anything you want.”

The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he finished are three girls asked,”How could we ever repay you Mr.”

After thinking for a short while he replied,”Could you hold my camel?”

One day there was a woman who lost her cat named “LOVE.” It was pretty dark
outside and she lived in New York. So, thinking that he might be down the
street, she put on her house-coat and went looking for him.

When a police officer stopped to ask what she was doing, she said very
honestly, “I’m looking for LOVE.” The policeman arrested her on the spot.

One day two Hindu holy men went down to the river to pray to
their god. One of the men was modest and one of them was greedy.
Upon arriving at the river, the modest man prayed
“Oh great god, I wish to have one of my eyes removed for all
the sins I have committed.”
Then the greedy man approached the river, and thought that the
modest one had asked for something special. So to get the better
of the modest one, he said,
“God, could I have twice whatever he’s having.”

A computer scientist, mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were travelling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.”Aha,” says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.””Hmm,” says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black.””No,” says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!””Oh, no!” shouts the computer scientist, “A special case!”

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.

He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”

Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.

He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.”

He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.

She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”

“No, I wouldn’t,” he said.

She said, “I sell tampons.”

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Three engineering students were discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, “It had to be a mechanical engineer, look at all the joints.”

Another said, “No, it had to be an electrical engineer, the nervous system is just a marvel of millions of electrical connections.”

The third said, “Actually, it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline right through a recreational area?”

Sister Mary walks into the Mother Superiors office and confesses “I have been having sex with the new

Minister at St. Judes, what shall I do for penance?”

The Mother Superior says “first you can suck a lemon”

“Oh” says Sister Mary “will that make me holy again”

“No” says the Mother Superior “but it will take that contented smirk of your face”

Un matrimonio de gays decidi� que quer�an tener un hijo. Contrataron a una mujer para que les engendre la criatura. Unieron sus espermas, los mezclaron bien y la mujer fue artificialmente inseminada.

A los nueve meses los llamaron del Hospital para decirles que acababa de nacer un varoncito. Corrieron llenos de alegr�a al Hospital. Al llegar los llevaron a una sala donde hab�a como treinta beb�s todos gritando y llorando, menos uno. Hab�a uno pl�cido y sonriente. La sorpresa se la llevaron cuando la enfermera les indic� que ese era su beb�.

“Pero que beb� tan bueno, tan alegre!” exclama uno de los maricas.

La enfermera responde:

“Es cierto… �pero no vayan a sacarle el chupete del culo porque se pone como loco!”

Bill Gates se muere y, al llegar al cielo, San Pedro le dice:

“Te permitimos que bajes durante media hora al infierno para veas c�mo es, y luego te subes al cielo otra media hora. Entonces decides d�nde quieres estar.”

Bill Gates baja al infierno, y ve una playa alucinante, con un sol incre�ble, chicas guapas por todos lados, juerga, org�as. A continuaci�n sube al cielo, y ve a los angelitos de blanco, todo tranquilo y apacible, con m�sica cl�sica de fondo. Va a San Pedro y le dice:

“�Ya he decidido, me voy al infierno!”

“�Est�s seguro? Ten en cuenta que es una decisi�n irrevocable.”

“S�, s�, ya lo tengo decidido.”

Bill Gates vuelve al infierno, y ve calderas hirviendo por todos lados, condenados as�ndose, calor abrasador… Entonces va con el demonio y le pregunta:

“Pero bueno… �Y esto qu� es? �No hab�a hace un rato una playa fabulosa y todo lo dem�s?”

Y el demonio le responde:

“�Ah, amigo, es que eso era una DEMO!”