Category: other

Yo mama’s so fat, even Sherpas can’t climb her.

A fat woman and a skinny woman were sitting together at a restaurant.

“Men prefer thin women,” said the skinny woman.

“Oh Really!!! Did your boyfriend tell you that?” said the fat one.

The skinny woman said, “No. YOUR boyfriend told me that!”

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so he hired a famous Chinese
detective, Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any activities that might
develop.
A few days later he received this report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house. I watch house. He comes to house. I watch. He and she leave
house. I follow. He and she get on train. I follow. He and she go in hotel.

I climb tree – look in window. He kisses she. She kisses he. He strips her.
She strips he. He plays with she. She plays with he. I play with ME. Fall out of
tree, not see.

NO FEE.

A drunk man, who smelled like beer, sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”

“My Son”, the priest replied, “It’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes, and the lack of a bath.”

“Well, I’ll be darned,” the drunk muttered, as he returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”

To which the man replies, “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does”.

Un viejo de 80 a�os va al m�dico a preguntarle si puede tener hijos con su esposa de 70, y el m�dico le da un tarrito y le dice que le traiga al d�a siguiente una muestra de semen. Cuando vuelve:

“Doctor, no he podido traerle la muestra de semen.”

“Bueno era de esperar… �c�mo lo intent�?”

“Primero con la mano derecha, despu�s con la izquierda; luego lo intent� mi esposa, primero con las dos manos y luego con los dientes, pero no hubo forma, no hemos conseguido abrir el tarrito…”

IACOCCA (the former Chrysler President/CEO)stands for:
I
Am
Chairman
Of
Chrysler
Corporation
America

Bush (the American President):
Beat
Up
Saddam
Hussein

Clinton (remember him?):
Call
Lewinsky,
I
Need
The
Oral
Now

However, no one can beat this latest casualty in bad naming.

Osama (WHO doesn’t know him):
Oh
Shit,
American
Missiles
Again

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

What is the difference between a mistress, a prostitute, and a wife?

The mistress says, “Are you through yet?”

The prostitute says, “Are you through already?”

The wife says, “Beige, I think I’ll paint the ceiling beige.”

Submitted by fairytales64
Edited by Curtis and calamjo

A fireman comes home from work and is all excited. He just can�t wait to tell his wife the good news about a new system that they have down at the station.

“Honey!” he says, “you�re not going to believe this! Down at the station we have this new system and it�s so great.

When Bell #1 goes off we put on all our gear.

When Bell #2 goes off we slide down the pole and jump in the fire truck.

When Bell #3 goes off we speed to the fire in the fire truck.” He excitedly tells his wife.

Triumphantly he says, We�re going to do the same thing for our sex life!

When Bell #1 goes off we are going to strip naked.

When Bell #2 goes off we will jump into bed.

When Bell #3 goes off we will screw our brains out.

Let�s give a test run. OK, ready? “Bell #1!” (they strip naked)

“Bell #2!” (they hop into bed)

“Bell #3!” (they start screwing there brains out)

A couple of minutes later the wife starts screaming “Oh, Bell #4! Bell #4!”.

The husband confused says,”Bell #4, What�s that?”

The wife screams “More hose! More hose! Your not reaching the fire!!!”

Q: Why do black women were high heels?
A: So there their knuckles dont drag!

There was a group of scientists and they were all sitting around discussing which one of them was going to go to God and tell Him that they didn’t need him anymore.

One of the scientists volunteered and went to go tell God he was no longer needed.

The scientist says to God – “God, you know, a bunch of us have been thinking and I’ve come to tell you that we really don’t need you anymore. I mean, we’ve been coming up with great theories and ideas, we’ve cloned sheep, and we’re on the verge of cloning humans. So as you can see, we really don’t need you.”

God nods understandingly and says. “I see. Well, no hard feelings.
But before you go let’s have a contest. What do you think?”

The scientist says, “Sure. What kind of contest?”
God: “A man-making contest.”

The scientist: “Sure! No problem”.
The scientist bends down and picks up a handful of dirt and says, “Okay, I’m ready!”

God replies, “No, no, no… You go get your own dirt.”

Are you from Wisconsin?
1. You’ve never met any celebrities.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a
tractor on the highway.
3. “Vacation” means going to Kenosha.
4. You’ve seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were
popular.
5. You measure distance in minutes.
6. You know several people who have hit a deer.
7. Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
8. Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
9. You’ve ridden the school bus for an hour each way.
10. You’ve had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.
11. You think ethanol makes your truck “run a lot better.”
12. You know what’s knee-high by the Fourth of July.
13. Stores don’t have bags; they have sacks.
14. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.
15. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with
no one in it no matter what time of the year.
16. You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition.
Example:”Where’s my coat at?” or “If you go to town I wanna
go with”
7. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,
vegetable, grain, or animal.
18. You install security lights on your house and garage and
leave both unlocked.
19. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer,
and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
20. You carry jumper cables in your car.
21. You know what “cow tipping” and “snipe hunting” is.
22. You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
23. You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a
snowsuit.
24. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are
filled with snow.
25. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
26. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.
27. The local paper covers national and international headlines
on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
28. You think that deer season is a national holiday.
29. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
30. You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Hotter than
Hell,and Road Construction.
31. There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of
1000 of more.
32. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your
friends from Wisconsin.

Don’t let your mind wander too far.
It is too little to go out alone!