Satan Vs Jesus

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, “Pipe down now, Satan. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job.”

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets.

They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments.

They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.

But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every bad word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming “It’s gone! It’s all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!”

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours.

Satan observed this and became irate.

“Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?”

God shrugged and said, “Jesus saves.”

Dos comadres se encuentran, y

Dos comadres se encuentran, y una ve que la otra est� toda vendada, y le pregunta:

“�Pero mujer de Dio! �Que te ha pasao?”

“El idiota de Venancio, que se ha comprao una moto.”

“Pero, �qu� ha pasao?”

“Que vamos a 80, luego a 100, a 120, a 140 y que se acaba el camino y el tarao me dice: �C�gete de donde puedas!, y f�jate que si no hubiese sido hombre… �Me mato, comadre, me mato…!

Un vendedor de seguros toca

Un vendedor de seguros toca a la puerta y abre la due�a de la casa:

“Buenas tardes, se�ora. Vengo a ofrecerle mis servicios como agente de seguros”.

“No, gracias”.

El vendedor insiste:

“�An�mese a comprar uno, por ejemplo, para su esposo! As� estar�a usted m�s tranquila”.

“�Para mi marido? �Ni loca, no me conviene!”

“�No le conviene? �Por qu�?”, cuestiona intrigado.

“Imag�nese, hace un tiempo compr� uno para mi auto; poco despu�s me lo chocaron y se incendi�…”

“�Ah, s�? �Y despu�s qu� sucedi�?”

“�Pues que la compa��a de seguros en vez de darme el dinero, me dio otro auto igual! �Ya ve por qu� no me conviene?”

Un sacerdote sol�a liberar a

Un sacerdote sol�a liberar a 12 palomas antes de cada misa y al finalizar �sta, las palomas volv�an a su jaula. Un d�a s�lo regresaron 11 palomas y el padre muy contrariado pregunt� a su audiencia:

“Alguien tiene la paloma?”.

Todos los varones en la capilla se levantaron.

El padre aclar�: “Lo que quise decir es si alguien ha visto la paloma?”

Todas las mujeres en la capilla se levantaron.

El padre volvi� a decir: “Lo que yo quiero saber es si alguien ha visto mi paloma?”

Todas las monjas en la capilla se pusieron de pie.

Lost My Car

A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, “Can I help you, sir?”

“Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!” the man replies.

The cop asks, “Where was your car the last time you saw it?”

“It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!” the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally.

About this time the cop looks down to see that the man’s member is being exhibited for all the world to see. He asks the man, “Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?”

The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans “OHHH GOD . . . they got my girlfriend too!!!”

How Do You Like That

A woman goes to the hospital, and her doctor gives her a sonogram. He sees the baby and suddenly the baby says, �Are you my daddy?� The doctor is shocked and goes to get another doctor, who looks at the sonogram. The baby says again, �Are you my daddy?� The doctor says, �No, I’m not your father.� They go to get the dad, the father looks at his baby boy and the baby asked, �Are you my daddy?� And the father says, �Yes, I am!� So, the baby pops out of the mother’s womb, picks up his hand, and starts poking the father in the head while saying, �How do you like that?! How do you like that?!�

Big Steps

The two men were drunk after the annual college dinner and wanted to leave the hotel. Chris stopped someone, “Look, pops, how do ya get out of here?” The porter pointed along the passage.”Turn right at the next passage and go down two steps and you’ll be in the main hall.” They staggered on together; but turned left and fell down the lift shaft to the basement. As they sorted themselves out, Randy rolled over.”Look, Chris. If that fella thinks I’m going down the other step, he’s crazy!”