Category: other

Una noche, una chica ten�a invitaci�n para asistir a una fiesta. Le pide permiso a su padre, qui�n est� sentado en el sof�:

“Pap�, pap�, hoy tengo una fiesta �me dejas ir?”.

“�No!”

“Pero pap�, es la fiesta de mi mejor amiga”.

“�No!”

“Papi, por favor”.

“Est� bien, pero primero, ch�pame la pinga”.

“�Pero pap�, yo soy tu hija!”

“�Ch�pala!”

“�Esto no puede ser pap�!”

“�Ch�pamela!”

“�Est� bien, todo sea por una fiesta!”.

Y en eso se la chupa y finaliza diciendo:

“�Pap�, antes de ir te puedo preguntar algo?”

“Dime, hija”.

“�Por qu� la verga te sabe a mierda?”

“�Ah, es que tu hermano quiso ir al estadio!”

Un tipo anda de visita en China, pero no tiene lugar donde quedarse. Tras mucho buscar encuentra alojamiento en el d�cimo piso de un edificio.

El anciano due�o le advierte: “Tengo que decile que yo tenel helmosa hija que dolmil junto a su cualto, se�ol, pelo si algo llegal a pasale a ella, ust�d lecibil� los tles castigos chinos.”

El tipo se va a dormir y por la noche se levanta al ba�o, ve a la hermosa hija del chino y sin acordarse de la advertencia del anciano se acuesta con la muchacha.

A la ma�ana siguiente, el tipo se iba a despedir, pero en la cama encuentra un papelito que dice:

“Primer castigo chino: roca sobre las piernas” y en ese momento, de la nada cae una enorme roca que lo aplasta. Sin embargo, el hombre saca fuerzas y tira la roca por la ventana.

En eso, otro papelito cae: “Segundo castigo: la roca est� amarrada al huevo izquierdo”.

El tipo no lo piensa m�s y se tira por la ventana. Al ir cayendo, ve que en su camisa est� escrito “el tercer castigo chino: �huevo derecho amarrado a la cabecera de la cama!”

What 3 things did Hellen Keller’s parents do to punish her?

1. Locked her in a circular room and told her to go stand in the corner.

2.Rearanged the furniture when she didn’t know.

3.Left a plunger sitting in the toilet.

Q: What’s the difference between a man and a pig?
A: You mean there IS a difference?

You know you’re a computer nerd when you know more IP addresses than phone
numbers!

What do you get when you mate a Bulldog and a Shuh-tzu? Bullshit

An elderly couple were at home at the wife called out “So, when are you going to the doctor””I told you, I’ll go when I feel like going.”After 3 months of nagging, the old man finally walked into the doctors office.”Doc,” he said, “This is embarrassing, but I’d like to get a prescription for Viagra.””Not a problem,” said the doctor, as he started writing out the prescription. The old man, however, interrupted him “Doc, I forgot to tell you I need each the pills cut into four pieces.””I know they are expensive pills,” said the doctor, “but you have to take the entire pill if you want it to work properly””You don’t understand,” said the old man.”I am almost 90 years old and I haven’t had sex in more than ten years. I only want it to stick out a little so when I pee, I don’t pee all over my shoes.”

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.

The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.

The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

Doctor: What was the problem?

Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand…nothing. So, I tried with my left hand…nothing.

My wife tried with her right hand… nothing. Her left hand…nothing. Her mouth…nothing.

Then my wife’s friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth…. still nothing.

Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife’s friend too?!

Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn’t get the lid off of the specimen cup.

Dear Son,

I am writing this slow cause I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happened within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address cause the last family that lived here took
the numbers with them for their next house so they won’t have to change their address. Wish I had thought of that.

This place has a small washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven’t seen them since.

It only rained twice this week – three days the first time and four days the second.

The coat you wanted me to send you; your aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Don’t tell anyone.

We got a bill from the funeral home, said we didn’t make the last payment on Grandma’s funeral bill; up she comes. Lucky we have a spare bedroom in the new place. We can move her when you come to visit.

About your father – he has a lovely new job. He has over 500 people under him; he is cutting grass at the cemetary.

Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out if it was a boy or a girl, so I don’t know if you are an aunt or an uncle.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup truck. One was driving and the other two were in the back bed. The driver got out – he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned; they couldn’t get the tailgate down.

Your uncle Mike fell in the whiskey vat at work. Some men tried to pull hem out but he fought them off and drowned. He wanted to be cremated, burned for three days.

Not much more news at this time, nothing much happened. Write more often.

Love,
Mom from somewhere in West Virginia

P.S. I was going to send money but the envelope was already sealed.

A lady walks into a hardware store and asks the clerk where the hinges are. He
takes her to where they are and she immediately selects the one she needs. The
clerk asks her if she wants a screw for the hinge—she says, “no, but I’ll blow
you for the toaster on that shelf”.

Q. What do you get when you cross a Mexican with a White Guy?

A. A car thief that’s too lazy to steal.

A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, “Can I help you, sir?”

“Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!” the man replies.

The cop asks, “Where was your car the last time you saw it?”

“It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!” the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally.

About this time the cop looks down to see that the man’s member is being exhibited for all the world to see. He asks the man, “Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?”

The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans “OHHH GOD . . . they got my girlfriend too!!!”