Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien Civilization: Simply send 6 x 10 to the 50 atoms of Hydrogen to the Star System at the top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your Star System at the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other Star Systems. Within one-tenth of a Galactic Rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum! IT REALLY WORKS!
Category: other
Popes Crossword
The pope and one of his aides were traveling across the Atlantic on plane, and during the flight, the Pope tried to catch up with one of his crossword puzzles.Midway through the flight, the Pope leans over to his aid and whispers: “what’s a 4-letter word that means ‘woman’ that ends in unt?”His aide thinks for awhile and triumphantly says, “I have it. it’s Aunt.””Oh dear”, says the pope, “do you have an eraser?”
Clocks In Heaven
Last night I had this dream I died and went to heaven. When I got there, there were clocks everywhere. God comes to me and asks if I have any questions?
I say, �Yes, what is with all the clocks?�
He said, �Well there is a clock here for everyone every time the hand goes around that is how many times that person plays with himself an hour, is there anybody�s clock you want to see?�
I say, �how about Bob’s�, so we go see Bob’s clock and it goes around 1 time so he plays with himself 1 time an hour.
God asks, �any one else?� and I say, �how about Joe’s?�
So we see Joe’s and it goes around 5 times. So he plays with himself 5 times an hour. Now God says “I�m kind of in a hurry, so ill let you see 1 more clock.” So I say, �how about Bill’s?”
God says, “Ok, but we have to go to my office I use that one for a fan.”
The Top 14 God Billboards We’d Like to See (Part I)
14> You’ve been coveting again, haven’t you?
13> Sure, *you’re* going straight to hell, but there’s still hope for your kids.
12> Give me your money or I call your dog home.
11> Pray! You! Get onto my cloud!
10> Go back home now! Your wife’s naked and Javier just pulled into the driveway.
9> Criminy, I invented the orgasm! What else do ya want?!?
8> No, I wasn’t on your team’s side, you wife-beating cokehead.
7> Wanna see a miracle? Pull my finger!
6> You realize that your dead grandma watches every time you pleasure yourself, don’t you?
5> Yo, dudes, J.Lo is a false idol.
4> An honor student, eh? Well *my* son rose from the dead, Chester.
3> Can you hear me NOW? Good!
2> That Madonna-kissing-Britney thing? My idea.
1> If I’m your co-pilot, maybe you could go back and help with the meals for the rest of this flight.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
Hearing Voices
Man: Doc, you’ve gotta help me. I’m hearing voices but I don’t see people. Doc: And when are you hearing these voices? Man: When I’m on the telephone.
Sprinkler
Q.What Do You Call 3 Hispanics, a Chinese man and 4 Black people lined up?
A. A Sprinkler: Spick, Spick, Spick, CHINK! NiggaNiggaNiggaNigga (You gotta say this fast and emphasize the capitalized word)
flag pole
A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they’re falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures – the whole thing is just a mess.An employee comes along and sees what they’re trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.After the employee has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. ‘Isn’t that just like an employee. We’re looking for the height and he gives us the length.’
Est�n en una instrucci�n militar
Est�n en una instrucci�n militar y el instructor dice:
“Por mi forma de hablar, mi f�sico y el tambaleo de mi mano tendreis que decirme mi edad.”
Todos los asistentes se quedaron desconcertados menos uno que dijo:
“44.”
“�C�mo lo ha sabido?”
“Por su esbelta forma de escribir, por su deplorable f�sico, y sobre todo porque mi hermano tiene 22 y es medio gilipollas.”
Una noche, una chica ten�a
Una noche, una chica ten�a invitaci�n para asistir a una fiesta. Le pide permiso a su padre, qui�n est� sentado en el sof�:
“Pap�, pap�, hoy tengo una fiesta �me dejas ir?”.
“�No!”
“Pero pap�, es la fiesta de mi mejor amiga”.
“�No!”
“Papi, por favor”.
“Est� bien, pero primero, ch�pame la pinga”.
“�Pero pap�, yo soy tu hija!”
“�Ch�pala!”
“�Esto no puede ser pap�!”
“�Ch�pamela!”
“�Est� bien, todo sea por una fiesta!”.
Y en eso se la chupa y finaliza diciendo:
“�Pap�, antes de ir te puedo preguntar algo?”
“Dime, hija”.
“�Por qu� la verga te sabe a mierda?”
“�Ah, es que tu hermano quiso ir al estadio!”
Un tipo anda de visita
Un tipo anda de visita en China, pero no tiene lugar donde quedarse. Tras mucho buscar encuentra alojamiento en el d�cimo piso de un edificio.
El anciano due�o le advierte: “Tengo que decile que yo tenel helmosa hija que dolmil junto a su cualto, se�ol, pelo si algo llegal a pasale a ella, ust�d lecibil� los tles castigos chinos.”
El tipo se va a dormir y por la noche se levanta al ba�o, ve a la hermosa hija del chino y sin acordarse de la advertencia del anciano se acuesta con la muchacha.
A la ma�ana siguiente, el tipo se iba a despedir, pero en la cama encuentra un papelito que dice:
“Primer castigo chino: roca sobre las piernas” y en ese momento, de la nada cae una enorme roca que lo aplasta. Sin embargo, el hombre saca fuerzas y tira la roca por la ventana.
En eso, otro papelito cae: “Segundo castigo: la roca est� amarrada al huevo izquierdo”.
El tipo no lo piensa m�s y se tira por la ventana. Al ir cayendo, ve que en su camisa est� escrito “el tercer castigo chino: �huevo derecho amarrado a la cabecera de la cama!”
Un tipo es detenido por
Un tipo es detenido por un oficial de caminos cuando conduc�a hacia su casa en compa��a de su esposa.
“�Cu�l es el problema oficial?”
“Manejaba a 120 en una zona de 80”.
“No se�or, iba a 85”.
“No es cierto Luis, ibas a 110”, dice la esposa.
El tipo le echa una mirada de advertencia a su mujer.
“Tambi�n lo voy a multar por traer una de las luces descompuesta”, le advierte el oficial.
“�Luz? �Cu�l luz? No ten�a idea de eso”.
“No te hagas Luis, esa luz est� descompuesta desde hace m�s de 6 semanas”, objeta su mujer.
Esta vez le echa una mirada equivalente a 17 cachetadas.
“Tambi�n lo multar� por no usar el cintur�n de seguridad”.
“Pero si me lo quit� en el momento que me detuvo”.
“Por favor, Luis, si t� nunca lo utilizas”.
Esta vez Luis no soporta y le da un buen grito a su mujer: “�Cierra el pico!”
“Se�ora, �su esposo le habla as� normalmente?”
“No, s�lo cuando est� tomado”.
Minister gives sermon
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, “If he gets loose, will he hurt us?”