Three men are found in the wilderness by civilized cannibals. The men are led to a gravesite next to the water. “You have two choices of death,” says the chief.”We either will kill you as a coward, or we will let you die honarable deaths for your homelands. You choose the weapon. Either way, your skins will be used to make our canoes.” The first man, a soldier at heart, asks for a handgun. With this shoots himself. The next man, a warrior at heart, he uses a Japanese katana to commit seppuku as a Japanese man. The last man asks for a fork. He stabs himself repeatedly in the chest.”I HOPE YOUR CANOE SINKS!”
Category: other
A person went to church every week, but feel…
A person went to church every week, but feel asleep during the
sermon and the women said.. “next time you fall asleep I’m going
to stick this pen up your ass” and he did fall asleep, the father
Began a story and said “Does anyone know what so and so said then?”
and the women had just stuck the pen up the guys ass as he stood up
and say “Hallelujah! ” and then the father said Correct my son..
the next week as the father asked another question, the guy was jabbed
with the pen and Stood up to say “AMEN!” and the father said “Right again
my son..”
the next week the father began to talk about Adam and eve, he said
what did eve say to Adam after their 10th child? and the guy
was jabbed with the pen again and he stood up to yell very loudly
“Shove that thing up my ass one more time and I’ll rap it around your
face!” and the father said, no I’m sorry, anyone else?
Three Wise Women
You do know what would have happened if there were Three Wise
Women instead of men?
They would of asked for directions, been there early, helped
deliver the Baby, cleaned the barn, cook meatloaf, and given
gifts like golden dipers, silver rattles, and their favorite
recipe.
German Vaseline
What do you call Vaseline in German?
Vienerschlide.
Hearing Voices
Man: Doc, you’ve gotta help me. I’m hearing voices but I don’t see people. Doc: And when are you hearing these voices? Man: When I’m on the telephone.
The Top 14 God Billboards We’d Like to See (Part I)
14> You’ve been coveting again, haven’t you?
13> Sure, *you’re* going straight to hell, but there’s still hope for your kids.
12> Give me your money or I call your dog home.
11> Pray! You! Get onto my cloud!
10> Go back home now! Your wife’s naked and Javier just pulled into the driveway.
9> Criminy, I invented the orgasm! What else do ya want?!?
8> No, I wasn’t on your team’s side, you wife-beating cokehead.
7> Wanna see a miracle? Pull my finger!
6> You realize that your dead grandma watches every time you pleasure yourself, don’t you?
5> Yo, dudes, J.Lo is a false idol.
4> An honor student, eh? Well *my* son rose from the dead, Chester.
3> Can you hear me NOW? Good!
2> That Madonna-kissing-Britney thing? My idea.
1> If I’m your co-pilot, maybe you could go back and help with the meals for the rest of this flight.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
Yo mama’s So Fat
Yo’ mama so fat, they showed her a picture of her feet and she couldn’t
identify them!
Bible salesmen
Bible salesmen
This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of
selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him. He interviewed three people. The first
came in and said, “I want to sell Bibles for you.” “OK, you’re hired. Here’s your kit; go sell!”
The second came in and said, “I want to sell Bibles for you.” “OK, you’re hired!
Here’s your kit; go sell!”
The third came in and said, “I- i – I wa – wa- wa-want t-t-t-t-to s-s-s-s-ell to sell, to sell, to sell, Bi – bi – bi –
Bibles, sell Bi -Bibles f-f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you Bibles for you!”
“No, I am terribly sorry” says the man, “this will never work! You can’t sell Bibles
for me!”
The applicant replied, “B-b-b-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I
really, really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, really need tthis job!”
As there were no other applicants and he felt sorry for him, the man said, “OK, I’ll give you
one shot at this!”
At the end of the day, the first applicant comes back and reports, “I sold 8 Bibles today.” The second reports: “I sold 11 Bibles
today. The third worker reports, “To-to-to-to t-t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I so-, I so- I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles!”
“Wow,” says the boss. “That’s
incredible, however, I want you to sell even more Bibles tomorrow.”
At the end of the next day, the first worker comes in and reports, “Today, I sold 32 Bibles.” The second worker reports, “I sold 44
Bibles today” The third worker reports, “To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi- sold 79, sold 79 Bibles.”
“Fantastic,” said the boss. Getting curious how he can make such great sales
with his speaking problem, he asks him what his sales technique is.”
“I-i-I j-j-j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, wa, just wal- wa- wa- walk, just walk
up to up to up to just walk up to them and and ask, them and ask, them and ask if th-th-th-th ask if they w-w-w-w-w- wa- ask if they
want t-t-t-t-o-o- if they want to b–b-b-b-b if they want to buy a Bi-bi – want to buy a Bi–b–a – a- abi – buy a to buy a
Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-d do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me to ***READ*** it to ’em?”
There are more jokes like this at http://humorshack.com
Eran dos gordas gemelas id�nticas
Eran dos gordas gemelas id�nticas en lo f�sico, lo �nico que las diferenciaba era el car�cter que pose�a cada una de ellas, ya que una era una santa y la otra s�lo se dedicaba a joder.
La gemela m�s santita era maestra y fue a dar sus clases temprano en la ma�ana, mientras su hermana la loca y un poco cafre solo disfrutaba de la vida… esa misma tarde cuando la gemela santita llega de la escuela a su casa, un viejo calvo se encontraba sentado enfrente de la puerta de su casa, y el calvo al verla le comenta:
“GORDA, GORDITA, GORDETA, POR ESE PAR DE TETAS YO ME JALARIA UNA CASQUETA”.
La pobre gemela santita, termin� completamente aturdida, sin palabras que decir, y entr� a su hogar como si nada hubiese pasado. Al d�a siguiente la santita hace la misma rutina del d�a, va a la escuela a dar clases y cuando regresa a la casa el calvo esta nuevamente sentado en frente de la puerta de su casa, y el le dice:
“GORDA, GORDITA, GORDETA POR ESE PAR DE TETAS YO ME JALARIA UNA CASQUETA”.
Ella sali� corriendo a buscar a su hermana que siempre se la pasaba disfrutando de la vida y le comenta lo que el calvo le dice cada vez que ella llega a la casa, la hermana loca decide intercambiar su puesto con la santita y le dice: “Hermana tenemos la dicha de que somos gemelas id�nticas, yo me har� pasar por ti y tu simplemente quedate en la casa, vamos a ver si ese viejo cabr�n me dir� algo a mi”…
Y as� fue la hermana loca esta ves fue ella quien dio las clases en la escuela y cuando llega a la casa esa misma tarde, el viejo calvo se encuentra tirado en la puerta de la casa y le dice:
“GORDA, GORDITA, GORDETA, POR ESE PAR DE TETAS YO ME JALAR�A UNA CASQUETA”.
Y ella le responde:
“CALVO, CALVITO, HIJO DE PUTA, CON ESTOS PELOS DE MI CRICA YO TE HAR�A UNA PELUCA”.
Un tipo entra a un
Un tipo entra a un bar y le dice a la cantinera, “�Oye, culo gordo, traeme una cerveza!”
Ella responde, “�C�mo me llamaste?”
“Ya o�ste, dije: culo gordo, traeme una cerveza.”
La cantinera decide que no va a soportar ese tipo de trato y hace que lo echen del bar.
La noche siguiente el tipo entra al mismo bar y le dice a la misma cantinera, “�Oye tetitas, traeme una cerveza!”
Entonces ella le dice que no va a soportar ese trato y que ser� mejor que se comporte o lo echan del bar otra vez.
El tipo dice, “Est� bien, �podr�as por favor servirme una cerveza?”
M�s tranquila, la mujer le sirve la cerveza y le pregunta, “�Realmente piensas que mis senos son peque�os?”
“S�, pero tengo una soluci�n para ti. Todo lo que tienes que hacer es tomar un rollo de papel higi�nico y frotarte con �l entre las tetitas.”
“�Y crees que eso funcione?”
“Te funcion� para tu culo gordo, �no?”
Came in my pants
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party… Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
“What the hell are you supposed to be?” asked the host.
“A premature ejaculation,” said the man. “I just came in my pants!”
Manolo y Venancio entran a
Manolo y Venancio entran a dormir en un hotel. En la recepci�n les informan que �nicamente disponen de un cuarto con un cama para los dos. En mitad de la noche, Manolo escucha la respiraci�n agitada de Venancio y le pregunta:
“Venancio, �te est�s masturbando?”
“�Pues, claro, hombre!”
“�Joder, entonces j�late la tuya!”