Category: other

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Ego Surfing: Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one’s own name.

Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. (And it only happens when you only have $.23 cents in your wallet)

GOOD Job: A “Get-Out-Of-Debt” job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. “We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.”

Beepilepsy: The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions and interruption of speech in mid-sentence.

SnailMail. “REAL” amil that the post office actucally sends PS. In the US, Personal snail mail has dropped 10% last because of email

Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato. ARE YOU ONE?

NOTICE:Due to recent budget cuts, effective immediately, smoke will be eliminated from this organization’s operations. From now on it will be run entirely on mirrors.

What do you call a black priest?

Holy Shit.

I always know when it’s the mother-in-law knocking at the door, the mice throw themselves in the traps.

“Sister Ann, aren’t you putting on a little weight?” inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging belly.

“Why, no Father,” answered the nun demurely, “It’s just a little gas.”

A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun noticing her habit barely fit across her belly.

“Oh, just a bit of gas,” said Sister Ann, blushing a bit.

On his next visit Father Dan was walking down the corridor when he passed Sister Ann wheeling a baby carriage.

Looking in, the priest observed, “Cute little Fart!”

A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he has lived all his life and into a real forest. Since he lived in the magical forest he has magical powers.

He sees a bear chasing a rabbit and thinks to himself, �this isn’t right, everyone should live in peace.�

So he stops the bear and rabbit and tells them that if they stop chasing each other, he’ll give them both three wishes.

The bear thinks for a second and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the forest were female. Poof, all of them are female. Next the rabbit wishes for a crash helmet.

The bear looks at the rabbit wondering why he would want a crash helmet.

The bear thinks for a second making sure he makes a good second wish and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the country were female. Again — poof — all the rest became female.

Then the rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Now the bear steps back and looks at the rabbit in amazement. How dumb is this rabbit he thinks to himself. All he had to do was wish for money and he could buy all the motorcycles he ever wanted.

This has to be the dumbest creature the bear has ever seen, he thinks to himself.

It is time for the bear’s final wish and he takes a second to think and makes sure he doesn’t waste it. After a minute he wishes that all the other bears in the whole world were female. And again poof they are all female.

Next the rabbit puts on his helmet and jumps on the bike. He turns around and smiles. Then he says, ”I wish that that bear is gay.”

The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a “HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS” bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on my back bumper and I’m glad I did.

What an uplifting experience followed. That bumper sticker really worked!!

I found lots of people who loved Jesus.

I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy.

He must REALLY love Jesus because pretty soon he leaned out of his window and yelled “JESUS CHRIST!” as loud as he could.

It was like a football game with him shouting, “GO!…JESUS CHRIST!…GO!” Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out the window and smiled and waved to all those loving people.

There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I heard him yell something about a sunny beach and saw him waving with only his middle finger.

I asked my kids what he meant by that and they laughed and said it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So I leaned out of the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started running towards me!

I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed so I stepped on the gas.

It’s a good thing that I did because I was the only driver to get across the intersection.

I looked back and everyone was still standing there so I leaned way out the window and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful people!

Why don’t Mexicans teach driver’s Ed. and Sex Education on the same day?

Because they don’t want to wear out the donkey.

A person went to church every week, but feel asleep during the
sermon and the women said.. “next time you fall asleep I’m going
to stick this pen up your ass” and he did fall asleep, the father
Began a story and said “Does anyone know what so and so said then?”
and the women had just stuck the pen up the guys ass as he stood up
and say “Hallelujah! ” and then the father said Correct my son..

the next week as the father asked another question, the guy was jabbed
with the pen and Stood up to say “AMEN!” and the father said “Right again
my son..”

the next week the father began to talk about Adam and eve, he said
what did eve say to Adam after their 10th child? and the guy
was jabbed with the pen again and he stood up to yell very loudly
“Shove that thing up my ass one more time and I’ll rap it around your
face!” and the father said, no I’m sorry, anyone else?

Estaba el padre en la Iglesia, cuando de pronto llega una ciega, �ste la ve y le pregunta:

“Buenos d�as, hija, �qu� se te ofrece?”

La ciega le dice:

“Padre, estoy muy triste, nadie me quiere, soy fea, ciega, nadie quiere ser mi pareja y nadie quiere tener sexo conmigo.”

“Hija, como tu eres ciega y realmente est�s fea, s�lo te ayudar�a un milagro, pero conf�a en Dios y te ayudar�.”

La ciega, m�s triste que nunca, sale de la iglesia, va caminando por las calles muy insegura, cuando por accidente se sube a un puente. Como era ciega, se desorient� y se cay� del alto puente.

Afortunadamente, la ciega cay� en un cami�n lleno de pl�tanos, y empez� a tocar con las manos a sus alrededores para saber d�nde hab�a ca�do, cuando de pronto sorprendida dice:

“�Ay, chicos, uno a la vez, uno a la vez!”

Three men are found in the wilderness by civilized cannibals. The men are led to a gravesite next to the water. “You have two choices of death,” says the chief.”We either will kill you as a coward, or we will let you die honarable deaths for your homelands. You choose the weapon. Either way, your skins will be used to make our canoes.” The first man, a soldier at heart, asks for a handgun. With this shoots himself. The next man, a warrior at heart, he uses a Japanese katana to commit seppuku as a Japanese man. The last man asks for a fork. He stabs himself repeatedly in the chest.”I HOPE YOUR CANOE SINKS!”

What do you call Vaseline in German?
Vienerschlide.