Category: other

“Pepito, que tal, �Qu� fue de tu viejo?”

“Mi padre muri� en un accidente…”

“�Pero qu� l�stima…! No sab�a nada.”

“S�, fue tremendo… pero s� que sus �ltimas palabras me las dijo a m�.”

“Ah, �s�?.. �y cu�les fueron?”

“�No muevas la escaleraaaaaa!”

An atheist is a person who has no invisible means of support.

-Sam Levenson

Estaba una pareja de viejitos sentada en un bus, llevaban varias horas de viaje, y el vejito de dice a su esposa:

“Mija, se me durmi� la cola.”

Y ella responde:

“S�, hace un rato la escuch� roncar.”

I woke early one morning, the earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird perched on my window sill.

He sang a song so lovely, so carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles began to slip away.

He sang of far off places, of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling brought up the morning sun.

I stirred beneath the covers, crept slowly out of bed,
Then gently shut the window and crushed his fucking head.

I’m not a morning person.

There was a long line of souls before the gate of Heaven and Hell. Waiting on
line beside each other were two residents of New York City, a taxi driver and a
priest and they started chatting to kill the time. Finally, it was the taxi
driver’s turn to be judged; after talking with God for a few minutes, he was
allowed to enter heaven. The priest came after him and had his few minutes with
God. He, however, was sent to hell.
Needless to say, the priest was pretty surprised by this turn of events and
asked God why he, who had constantly talked to people about God, had been sent
to hell and a taxi driver was going to heaven. God replied, �We judge whether
one goer to heaven not by the words he has said but the deeds he has done on the
earth. While you talked about God, people slept, but they all remembered me when
he drove.”

One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers “God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa.”

Well, the father thought it was strange, but dismissed it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or so later, the father heard his son saying his prayers again “God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy.”

The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation. Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. “God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy.”

This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn’t say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally, after midnight he went home. He was still alive!

When he got home he apologized to his wife. “I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today.”

“You think you’ve had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU’VE HAD A BAD DAY!?”, the wife yelled, “The mailman dropped dead on our doorstep this morning!”

Over a gynecologist’s office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

On a Plumber’s truck: “We repair what your husband fixed.”

At a dry cleaners: “Drop your pants here.”

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

Pizza shop slogan: “7 days without pizza makes one weak.”

Outside a muffler shop: “No appointment necessary. We hear you
coming.”

In a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit!
Stay!”

Door of a plastic surgeon’s office: “Hello. Can we pick your
nose?”

On an electrician’s truck: “Let us remove your shorts.”

In a non-smoking area: “If we see smoke, we will assume you are
on fire and take appropriate action.”

On a maternity room door: “Push. Push. Push.”

At an optometrist’s office: “If you don’t see what you’re
looking for,
you’ve come to the right place.”

In the front yard of a funeral home: “Drive carefully. We’ll
wait.”

Sale un aviso solicitando dos empleados para una oficina. Se presentan Manolo y Jos�. Ya en la sala de espera, hacen pasar a Jos� a una pieza y el encargado del examen le dice:

“Este es un test muy f�cil, usted s�lo tiene que contestar una pregunta: �qu� es de cuero, viene de a dos, tiene suela y se usa para caminar?”

Manolo pone gesto anal�tico y a los diez minutos pregunta: “�Tiene cordones?”

“�S�, hombre, tiene cordones!”, contesta enojado el encargado.

“�Zapato!” exclama Manolo.

“Muy bien, el trabajo es suyo.”

Manolo sale y le cuenta a Jose:

“Esto es una pavada, me pregunta qu� es de cuero, con suela y con cordones, por supuesto que es zapato.”

Pasa Jos� convencido de lo f�cil del examen y el empleado le pregunta:

“�Qu� tiene cuatro patas, es de madera y se usa todos los d�as para comer?”

Jos� piensa media hora y pregunta:

“�Tiene cordones?”

“�No, animal, como va a tener cordones!”

“Ya s�, �mocas�n!”

The ship was going down. The captain and the crew were trying – in the middle of a terrible mid-Atlantic winter storm – to get the lifeboat out. “We can hope for nothing but Divine intervention,” cried the captain. “Does anyone know how to pray?”

No answer. After a few seconds of silence, the cabin boy timidly spoke up. “Maybe I can help. I used to live next to a church.”

The captain ordered everyone to their knees.

The boy began. “Under the B, two. Under the I, 16.”

48 phrases you wish you could say at work!

1. ahhh…i see the f***-up fairy has visited us again…
2. i don’t know what your problem is, but i’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3. how about never? is never good for you?
4. i see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. i’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. i’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
7. i’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…
8. i don’t work here. i’m a consultant.
9. it sounds like english, but i can’t understand a word you’re saying.
10. i can see your point, but i still think you’re full of s***.
11. i like you. you remind me of when i was young and stupid.
12. you are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. i have plenty of talent and vision. i just don’t give a damn.
14. i’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. i will always cherish the initial misconceptions i had about you.
16. thank you. we’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of
view.
17. the fact that no one unde! rstands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
18. any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. what am i? flypaper for freaks!?
20. i’m not being rude. you’re just insignificant.
21. it’s a thankless job, but i’ve got a lot of karma to burn off.
22. yes, i am an agent of satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. no, my powers can only be used for good.
24. you sound reasonable… time to up the medication.
25. who me? i just wander from room to room
26. and your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be…?
27. do i look like a people person?
28. this isn’t an office. it’s hell with fluorescent lighting.
29. i started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
30. you!… off my planet!
31. does your train of thought have a caboose?
32. errors have been made. others will be blamed.
33. a pbs mind in an mtv world.
34. allow me to introduce my selves.
35. whatever kind of look you were going ! for, you missed.
36. well, this day was a total waste of m akeup.
37. not all men are annoying. some are dead.
38. i’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
39. a cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
40. stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen
asleep yet.
41. can i trade this job for what’s behind door 1?
42. too many freaks, not enough circuses.
43. nice perfume. must you marinate in it?
44. chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
45. how do i set a laser printer to stun?
46. i thought i wanted a career, turns out i just wanted the paychecks.
47. if i throw a stick, will you leave?
48. sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

There was this small church country preacher who was known to take a swig
or two of alcohol. One Sunday, he preached about Jesus turning water into
wine. One of the members of the audience was a policeman. Later that week,
that very policeman saw the preacher swerving in and out of his lane on
the highway. The officer pulls him over and asks him if he has been
drinking lately. The preacher guy says, “Nah. I ain’t bin drinkin’.” The
policeman then spots a bottle in the back seat of his car. The policeman
asks the preacher, “What do you got in that bottle?” The preacher replies,
“Oh that’s jest water.” The policeman then grabs the bottle, sips it and
says, “Jeez man that’s some strong stuff!” The preacher then says,
“Damnit, God you proved your point a long time ago!”

Pepito estaba en su clase cuando la maestra dice: “como estamos en temporada de las madres, para la siguiente clase, de tarea, los que tengan su madre viva traigan una rosa roja y los que tengan su madre muerta traigan una rosa blanca.”

Al siguiente d�a llega Pepito con una rosa roja en las manos y una blanca en los pies.

La maestra le pregunta: “Pepito, �por qu� traes una rosa roja en las manos y una blanca en los pies?”

A lo que Pepito le contesta:

“Mire maestra, como tengo mi madre viva traigo una flor roja en las manos, pero traigo tambi�n una rosa blanca en los pies porque tengo un callo que no tiene madre!”