Category: other

Algebra I Mid Term Exam
Ebonics Version

Directions: Make sho yo be putting yo name on the upper right hand comer.
Don’t be axing no dumbass questions an keep yo shifty mothafuckin eyes
on yo own sorryass papers.

Number 1. (25%)
Elon and Tyrell bot want to meet fo lunch. Elon’s home be 5 mile north
of Tyrell. If Elon leave at 10:30 bookin bout 3 mile per hour while
Tyrell, who have one coolass bike, ain’t not departin till 11:00 zoomin
bout 20 mile per hour, what time be Elon axing Tyrell for a bite of fiied
chicken?

Number 2. (25%)
Yolanda, she be 11 year older than her daughter Carinda. Carinda have a
bitch Carmel who haf her age. In how many years be Carmel haf as old as
that ugly ass ho Yolanda?

Number 3.(40%)
If Leroy axes Marvin fo 10 gram of 60% coke an Marvin ain’t not got
nothing but 8 gram of 80% and some ol 20% shit, how much of the cheap
stuff be Marvin mixing up so Leroy can go off the hizzie?

Number 4.(10%)
Lenwood and Keshawn jus lifted one gross of basketballs offa Kmart. If
studly Lenwood can dunk fo mo balls per minute than Keshawn, how
long be these bros slammin and jammin fo they be needin suh mo balls
to play wif?

Extra Credit:
Which number, A or B be bigger? Make sho you shows all yo work.
20

A.The total number of hos Wilt Chamberlain and B.B. King be sleeping wif
B. The number of yard OJ done ran fo in his best season timeses the
number a cuts he be putting in that no good honkey bitch Nicole afta
catchin her wif a guy what ain’t got no goddam mothafuckin rights be
ridin roun wif OJs car

Whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a car?

I don’t have a car in my garage!

Se apersonan altos funcionarios de Coca Cola ante Su Santidad en el Vaticano para hacerle una propuesta: “Su Santidad, le ofrecemos un mill�n de d�lares mensuales para que se cambie en el Padre Nuestro la frase “El pan nuestro de cada d�a” por “La Coca Cola nuestra de cada d�a.”

El Santo Padre responde: “No podemos hacer eso Hijo M�o.”

Tras unos meses, vuelven a visitar el Vaticano con otra propuesta: “Su Santidad nuestra empresa le ofrece 10 millones de d�lares mensuales para cambiar en el Padre Nuestro la frase “El pan nuestro de cada d�a…” por “La Coca Cola nuestra de cada d�a.” A lo que el Santo Padre responde: “De ninguna manera podemos hacer eso Hijo M�o…”

Insistentes, los ejecutivos de la refresquera consiguen otra cita con el Sumo Pont�fice, y le presentan una nueva oferta: “Su Santidad nuestra empresa ha decidido ofrecerle a su Iglesia la cantidad de 100 millones mensuales para que se cambie en el Padre Nuestro la frase “El pan nuestro de cada d�a ” por “La Coca Cola nuestra de cada d�a…”

El Santo Padre voltea hacia su Secretario y le pregunta:

“�En qu� fecha termina nuestro contrato con los panaderos?”

Superman est� muy excitado y llega volando a la bati-cueva y le dice a Batman:

“Hey, Batman, que tal si nos vamos esta noche de rumba a una disco y nos buscamos dos chicas y luego nos las llevamos a un hotel.”

“Batman le contesta: “No esta noche superman, hoy me toca limpiar el batim�vil y no puedo.”

“What the hell, Batman, vamos, no seas aburrido.”

“Lo siento, Superman pero yo no puedo combatir al hampa con el batim�vil sucio ser� otro d�a.”

Y Superman sali� volando encojonado a toda velocidad hacia el oc�ano y se sumergi� hasta donde estaba Aquaman…

“Hey, Aquaman, how are you doing, qu� tal si nos vamos esta noche de rumba a una disco y nos buscamos dos chicas y luego nos las llevamos a un hotel.”

“No hoy superman. Tengo que alimentar a los delfines, t� sabes que yo sin los delfines no puedo combatir el crimen, lo siento sera otro d�a.”

Superman le mostr� el dedo y sali� disparado a volar sobre la ciudad, cuando de pronto a trav�s de una ventana se percata de que est� la Mujer Maravilla tumbada boca arriba, en pelotas, abierta como un zamuro en el sol.

Superman dijo “�Yes!” y se meti� por la ventana, se quit� la ropa, se le ech� encima y se la tiro 40 veces (claro a la velocidad de la luz, ustedes saben), se par�, se visti� y sali� volando por la ventana. Todo esto en tres segundos.

La Mujer Maravilla se sienta en la cama r�pidamente y dice, “�Fuck… qu� diablos fue eso!”

Y contesta el hombre invisible: “No se, �pero el culo me lo revent�!”

A madam decides to retire & get married. Her main requirement in a husband is that he be a virgin. She meets an Australian whom she is convinced is a virgin & marries him.

On their honeymoon she says “I’m going to the bathroom & get ready. You get things ready out here.”

When she comes out of the bathroom, he has pushed all the furniture out in the hall.

“Why did you do that?” she asked.

“Well love, I figured if women were anything like kangaroos we’d need all the room we can get”

Una viejecita tiene una hija que ya esta un poco pasada de edad, y que aun no se ha casado. De repente la hija se siente muy enferma, y su mam� decide llevarla al m�dico.

El medico, tras hacer un estudio minucioso le dice a la viejecita: “Se�ora, su hija se encuentra muy mal.”

“Bueno doctor hay que actuar r�pidamente, d�game, �qu� es lo que tiene mi hija””

“Mire se�ora, a su hija lo que le hace falta es un COITO.”

“Bueno, doctor. Act�e.”

“Pero se�ora, lo que pasa es que yo ya estoy un poco mayor para esto, pero llamemos al enfermero.”

Y proceden a llamar al enfermero: “Enfermero h�game un favor, ll�vese esta se�orita y pract�quele un COITO.”

El enfermero se lleva a la enferma a otra habitaci�n de donde salen ruidos un poco extra�os. Quejidos, alaridos, gemidos, gritos.

Y entre tanto est�n el doctor y la se�ora afuera esperando, y le comenta la se�ora al doctor: “

Mire Doctor, si usted y yo no supieramos lo que es un COITO, yo dir�a que ese enfermero se est� COGIENDO A MI HIJA.

An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction,
and went down. A few weeks later, the Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They
searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals.

They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything
about the crash.

The Chief said, “You betcha!”

When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, “We ate the crew, and we
drank the Pepsi.”

The Rescue crew was shocked. One man asked, “Did you eat their legs?”

The chief replied, “We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi.”

Another rescuer asked, “Did you eat their arms?”

The Chief replied, “We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi.”

After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, “Did you…you
know…eat, their…’things’?”

The chief says, “No.”

“No?” asked the rescuer.

“No,” replied the Chief, “THINGS go better with Coke.”

The warden of the prison walked into Death Row and stopped in front of one of the cells. He said to the inmate, “I’m sorry but the Governor has rejected your plea for clemency and the execution will have to go forward. Do you have any last wishes or requests?”The prisoner thought a moment and he said, “I would like to do the Macarena one last time before I die.”They agreed that this was a reasonable last request. He stopped in front of another cell. “I’m sorry but your plea for clemency was rejected as well and we will have to execute you after him. Do you have any last wishes or requests?”The second condemned man looked at the first prisoner for a moment and then said, “Could you PLEASE kill me first?”

The young bride’s mother had some old fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.”Never let your husband see you in the nude,” she advised.”You should always wear something.””Yes, mother,” replied the obedient girl.Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, “Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?””Not that I know of,” she answered.”Why?”Well, we’ve been married for two weeks now and every night you’ve worn that silly hat to bed.”

Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo
cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which
method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:

1. The whole thing all at once.

2. One bite at a time

3. Slow and methodical nibbles, examining the results of each bite
afterwards.

4. In little feverish nibbles.

5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee…).

6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside.

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.

10. I don’t have a favorite way because I don’t like Oreos.

Your Personality:

1. The whole thing. This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun
to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are
totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children.

2. One bite at a time. You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other
people who eat their Oreo’s this very same way. Just like them, you lack
imagination, but that’s ok, not to worry, you’re “normal”.

3. Slow and methodical. You follow the rules. You’re very tidy and
orderly. You’re very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to
the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of
the fast lane if you’re only going to go the speed limit.

4. Feverish nibbles. Your boss likes you because you get your work done
quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to
do them. Mental break downs and suicides run in your family. Valium and
Ritalin would do you good.

5. Dunked. Every one likes you because you are always upbeat. You like to
sugar-coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good
ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have
a propensity towards narcotic addiction.

6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie. You have a highly
curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how
they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you
destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement
when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if
not criminal, behavior.

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie. You are good at
business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the
rest away. You are greedy,selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You
should be ashamed of yourself. But that’s ok, you don’t care, you got
yours.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside. You enjoy pain.

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them. Stay away from small furry
animals and seek professional medical help immediately.

10. I don’t have a favorite way, I don’t like Oreo cookies. You probably
come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to upscale
restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own,
and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a
prima donna. There’s just no pleasing you. Kill yourself now.

what do you call a crazy person who is obsessed with the moon?

a lunar-tic

Last year authorities in Montana discovered that a hermit had been living in an old Forest Service cabin, and they were concerned about his well being. They decided to send up a team of experts from different fields to analyze his living arrangements, and to make sure that he was okay.

First they decided on a Psychologist, to make sure that the man was mentally handling his isolation. Next, they decided on an Engineer, to make sure that the cabin is still structurally sound and safe. Finally, they decided on a Theological professor from the university, to make sure that the man’s spiritual needs were being fulfilled.

The team made it’s way up the treacherous terrain in three days, but they were truly exhausted. Finally, on the evening of the third day, they spotted the cabin. From the outside, it appeared all was well.
The area around the cabin was clean, the ground almost appearing as though it had been swept often. There was smoke coming from the stove pipe chimney, and the door was slightly ajar.
Cautiously, they walked inside.

Inside the cabin everything appeared neat and tidy. The only thing that stood out, and this immediately caught the attention of all three men, was that the stove was suspended 18 inches off of the floor by about a hundred wires attached to the ceiling. The pattern of the wires was very intricate, cutting this way and that, and it appeared to be a very sturdy arrangement.

At first, all three men did not know what to make of the arrangement. Finally with a loud, “Oh yes!” the Psychologist spoke. “This very clearly explains this man’s desire to return to the womb. He has arranged the stove so that he can crawl underneath to, once again, feel the warmth of the womb.”

“Nonsense!” exclaimed the Engineer. “This serves a very clear and definite thermodynamic purpose. He has lifted the stove so as to reduce the zone which the heat has to permeate, allowing the cold air to remain within the cabin, locking the heat in place. This man is a genius.”

The Theological Professor stayed quiet a moment longer, but then he too spoke. “I hate to disappoint you both, but I believe you are both wrong. The placement of fire on raised altars has always been a significant emblem of the existence of faith and religion in cultures of the past and present. It would clearly be that this man has created an altar for whatever faith he has clung onto or, worse yet, created.”

At this, the three men argued until there was a loud knock at the door, and the three men turned to see that the hermit had returned to his home. Immediately the three men approached him and demanded to know the significance of the placement of the stove.

The hermit stared at the three men long enough to hush them up, and then he spoke.

“Simple…had to fix stove pipe…plenty of wire…not enough stove pipe!”