Category: other

A man decides he wants to have a pig roast, so he goes out to a pig farm to buy one. He agrees on a per pound price with the farmer and then begins to select a pig.”How about that one?” “OK, replies the farmer.”The farmer then picks up the pig, puts its tail in his mouth, lets it hang from his mouth, and then declares, “This one weighs 74 pounds.” “That’s amazing,” the man says, “are you sure you can tell a pig’s weight by using that method?” “Yep,” replies the farmer, “we’ve used this method in our family for generations.” To prove his accuracy, the farmer puts the pig on a scale and it weighs exactly 74 pounds.”My son can do it too,” boasts the farmer. And sure enough, the farmer’s son comes over, puts another pig’s tail in his mouth, lets it hang, and then says, “This one weighs 83 pounds.” The farmer then confirms his son’s accuracy with the scale. “My wife can do it too,” says the farmer.”Son, go get your mother.” The boy runs off to the house and returns a few minutes later.”Mom can’t come out right now,” says the son, “she’s busy weighing the mailman.”

Un predicador daba un serm�n a una multitud de hispanos en E.U.A. que no hablaban ingl�s, a trav�s de un int�rprete mexicano.

El orador comienza la pr�dica:

“God, and only God will save us”.

El mexicano traduce:

“�l dice que Dios, y s�lo Dios nos salvar�”.

“All of those who believe in God will be saved”

“�l dice que todos aquellos que creen en Dios se salvar�n”.

Una persona no muy conforme con la homil�a, lanza un tremendo naranjazo directo a la cabeza del traductor. El sermoneador yanqui se le acerca y dice a �ste: “God forgives the one who did it”

“�l dice que: �Chingue a su madre el que avent� la pinche naranja!”

Religion is man’s attempt to communicate with the weather.

It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided
to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly
cold winter. The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules, and the wife
ended up on a flight the day after her husband.

The husband made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting
to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in
Minneapolis an email. Unfortunately, he didn’t notice he had misspelled
his wife’s email address

In South Carolina, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her
husband, a Methodist pastor of many years, who had been called to glory
just a few days earlier.

She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from
relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud
scream, fainted and fell to the floor.

The woman’s son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He
glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message:

To My Loving Wife: I’ve just been checked in. Everything has been prepared
for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.

Your Devoted Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.

En plena clase, Pepito pregunta a la profesora:

“Maestra, �usted sabe qu� es una cosa verde, con ocho patas, de tres pulgadas de largo y de aspecto asqueroso?”

“No s�, Pepito, �qu� es?”

“Yo tampoco s�, maestra, pero esta cosa acaba de entrar debajo de su falda”.

Three clergymen were sitting in a boat, fishing.
“I’m thirsty, �said the first.�I’m going to go get myself a Coke.” So he got
out of the boat, walked across the water, and came back with his Coke.
“Ooh, that looks good, �said the second and got out of the boat. He walked
across the water, got his Coke, and came back.
“You’re right, �said the third.�I think I’ll get one too.” He steps out of the
boat and sinks like a rock.
“Hey, �said the first clergyman to the second, “should we tell him where the
rocks are?”

It was so hot, I was sweating more than R. Kelly at the Teen Choice
awards!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fatty and Skinny went to bed,

Fatty rolled over.

Now Skinny is dead!

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Estaba una pareja de viejitos sentada en un bus, llevaban varias horas de viaje, y el vejito de dice a su esposa:

“Mija, se me durmi� la cola.”

Y ella responde:

“S�, hace un rato la escuch� roncar.”

I woke early one morning, the earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird perched on my window sill.

He sang a song so lovely, so carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles began to slip away.

He sang of far off places, of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling brought up the morning sun.

I stirred beneath the covers, crept slowly out of bed,
Then gently shut the window and crushed his fucking head.

I’m not a morning person.

There was a long line of souls before the gate of Heaven and Hell. Waiting on
line beside each other were two residents of New York City, a taxi driver and a
priest and they started chatting to kill the time. Finally, it was the taxi
driver’s turn to be judged; after talking with God for a few minutes, he was
allowed to enter heaven. The priest came after him and had his few minutes with
God. He, however, was sent to hell.
Needless to say, the priest was pretty surprised by this turn of events and
asked God why he, who had constantly talked to people about God, had been sent
to hell and a taxi driver was going to heaven. God replied, �We judge whether
one goer to heaven not by the words he has said but the deeds he has done on the
earth. While you talked about God, people slept, but they all remembered me when
he drove.”

one sunny day 2 cowboys were riding alond lets call them fred and george. well anyway george says to fred, fred there is an indian follwing us n fred says ohh dont worry bout the indian hes a week away.

next morning george says to fred the indians still following cause and fred says to george dont worry bout him hes days away.
this continues for a couple of days so one morning as they are just bout ready to head off again into the sunset george says to fred fred the indians gettin really really close so fred says well shot him shot him!!
so george gets his gun aims and then says NO NO i cant shoot him. and fred lookin puzzled says why not?? george says because ive know him since he was a week old!