Category: other

The flustered bank robber walked up to the teller, pulled out a gun, and said;
all right mother stickers, this is a f*** up, put your brains in the bag, or
i�ll blow the money all over the floor.

The phone rang in the principal’s office and the principal picks
up
principal:hello?
caller:umm yes hi, my son won’t be coming to school today
because he’s got the flu.
principal:ok and who may i ask is speaking?
caller:umm my dad.

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off.A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?””The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” he explained.”It took us awhile to find a new pilot.”

One day a little boy realizes his teacher likes white kids more than black kids. So he goes home and paints himself white. He goes to his mom and says look mom Im white Im white. She beats him and sends him to his grandma and he says look gradma look gradma, Im white Im white. So she beats him and sends him to his room. Later they come up to check on him. His mom says, so son what have you learned today. The boy says, Ive only been white for two hours and I already hate two niggers.

Q. Have you ever seen a jackass wrapped in plastic?

A. Show me your license.

Tell me everything you know…I have a few seconds to waste.

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was
empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze
in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: “Jesus is watching
you!”

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward
again. “Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically,he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a
bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot, “Was that you who said Jesus is watching
me?”

“Yes”, said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot,
“What’s your name?”

“Clarence,” said the bird.

“That’s a dumb name for a parrot”, sneered the burglar. “What
idiot named you Clarence?”

The parrot replied, “The same idiot who named the Rottweiler
Jesus.”

Un hombre de negocios hace transbordo de avi�n y tiene la suerte de sentarse al lado de una mujer extremadamente atractiva. Se saludan y el tipo se da cuenta de que ella est� leyendo un libro sobre estad�sticas sexuales. Para iniciar la pl�tica, �l le pregunta sobre el libro y la chica le responde:

“Es un libro muy interesante sobre estad�sticas sexuales. Por ejemplo, aqu� dice que los nativos americanos son los que tienen el pene m�s largo, y que son los polacos los que lo tienen de mayor di�metro. Por cierto, me llamo Diana, �c�mo se llama usted?”

“Nube Blanca Kawalski, encantado de conocerla”, le responde de inmediato el individuo.

This story is about a man with a speech problem.

One day a man called Greg went into a bakery “hi, could I
please have a bum”, the baker looked shocked but after a few
seconds he handed over a bun.

A while after Greg went into a hardware store “hi, could I
please hve a fuckit” said Greg “a what” replied the worker “a
fukit” the worker then new what Greg meant and got a buckit.

Greg then went to a pet store and asked for a cockinspankit the
owner instantly falling into shock was about to ask Greg to
leave but then walked up to a dog he said “do you mean a
cokinspanle” “yes” replied Greg.

Later on the way home Greg took the dog for a walk. Greg
accindently let go of the dog and ran up to another man “could
you please hold my bum and fuckit while I go get my
cockinspankit”.

La hija, que viv�a en los Estados Unidos, mensualmente le consignaba a su padre la suma de US$2.000 para su sustento en Colombia. Cuando en una ocasi�n la hija viaj� a visitar a su padre, al pesarle el remordimiento, decide informarle a su padre que era prostituta y que el dinero que le enviaba era parte de sus ganancias. El padre, despu�s de rega�arla, decide echarla de su casa.

Pasaron un par de meses y el padre no volvi� a recibir la mesada; entonces, decide llamar a la muchacha:

“Hija, cuando Ud. vino a visitarme qu� fue lo que me dijo. Es que estoy perdiendo la memoria; adem�s, estoy casi sordo, �qu� fue lo que me dijo?”

“Pap�, yo le dije que me hab�a vuelto prostituta”.

“Ah, eso, m’ija, perd�neme, �yo pens� que me hab�a dicho que se volvi� protestante!”

Yo mama so fat, I tried to drive around her, and I ran out of gas!

A man decides he wants to have a pig roast, so he goes out to a pig farm to buy one. He agrees on a per pound price with the farmer and then begins to select a pig.”How about that one?” “OK, replies the farmer.”The farmer then picks up the pig, puts its tail in his mouth, lets it hang from his mouth, and then declares, “This one weighs 74 pounds.” “That’s amazing,” the man says, “are you sure you can tell a pig’s weight by using that method?” “Yep,” replies the farmer, “we’ve used this method in our family for generations.” To prove his accuracy, the farmer puts the pig on a scale and it weighs exactly 74 pounds.”My son can do it too,” boasts the farmer. And sure enough, the farmer’s son comes over, puts another pig’s tail in his mouth, lets it hang, and then says, “This one weighs 83 pounds.” The farmer then confirms his son’s accuracy with the scale. “My wife can do it too,” says the farmer.”Son, go get your mother.” The boy runs off to the house and returns a few minutes later.”Mom can’t come out right now,” says the son, “she’s busy weighing the mailman.”