Category: other

One day before Thanksgiving, a little boy walked in on his mom and dad arguing, his mom called his dad a Bastard, and his dad called his mom a bitch. He asked what the two meant, and his mom told him ladies & Gentlemen. Later he walked in on his parents making love, and his mom said to his dad oh your dik is so big, and his dad said oh your titis are so big. The boy asked what that meant, and his mom told him Coats and hats.

So on thanksgiving his mom was carving the turkey, and she cut herself and said fuck. He asked what that meant, and she said carving. His dad was shaving, and cut himself, he said shit. tHe boy asked what that meant and his dad said shaving.

2 min. Later the family came. The boy answered the door, and said to everyoneone

” Hello Bitches and Bastards, Put your diks and titis in the closet, my mom is fucking the turkey, and my dad is shitting on his face”.

Le dice un amigo a otro:

“Est� mi mujer que se vuelve loca pensando en la jodienda. �Sabes lo que me dijo la otra noche?”

“�Qu� te dijo?”

“M�teme 30 cent�metros y hazme da�o.”

“�Y t� qu� hiciste?”

“�Pues se la met� tres veces y le di dos pu�etazos en cada ojo!”

Two fisherman are out sailing when suddenly a hand appears in the sea.

“What’s this?” asked the first fisherman, “It looks as if someone is drowning!”

“No,” explained the second fisherman, “It’s just a little wave.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

The wife turns over and says, “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

This time he whispers in her ear, “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis and yisman

One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was
tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the
light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you
sleep with me tonight?”

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t dear,”
she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.”

A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice
saying, “The big sissy.”

Q. HOW DO YOU GET A NUN PREGNANT? A.DRESS HER UP AS AN ALTER BOY.

Una se�ora llega al hospital y le dice al doctor:

“Yo soy la esposa del Sr. Mart�nez, que tuvo un accidente de tr�nsito y me dijeron que lo trajeron aqu�. Yo quisiera saber c�mo se encuentra.”

“De la cintura para abajo su esposo no tiene ni un rasgu�o”, le contesta el doctor.

“�Oh! Que alegr�a �y de la cintura para arriba, doctor?”

“No podemos decirle, se�ora, pues esa parte no la han tra�do.”

One day a little boy realizes his teacher likes white kids more than black kids. So he goes home and paints himself white. He goes to his mom and says look mom Im white Im white. She beats him and sends him to his grandma and he says look gradma look gradma, Im white Im white. So she beats him and sends him to his room. Later they come up to check on him. His mom says, so son what have you learned today. The boy says, Ive only been white for two hours and I already hate two niggers.

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.

“Is this yours?” he asked.

She said, “Yes, could you bring it up?” and the man agreed.

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, “I’m about to have dinner. There’s plenty; would you like to join me?”

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, “I’ve had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?”

The man hesitated then said, “Do you act like this with every man you meet?”

“No,” she replied, “only those who catch my eye.”

How come there were only 10,000 Mexicans at the Alamo?

They only had 2 cars.

�Include your children when baking cookies!

�Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

�Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

�British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

�Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

�A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

�Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

�For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

�For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

�Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

�Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

�Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory

�Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

�We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

�No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

�For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

�Great Dames for sale.

�Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

�Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

�20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.

�Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

�Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

�If you think you’ve seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

�Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

�The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

�Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

�Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

�Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

�Stock up and save. Limit: one.

�Save regularly in our bank. You’ll never reget it.

�We build bodies that last a lifetime. Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.

�This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.

�For Sale–Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.

�For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

�Man, honest. Will take anything.

�Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

�Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

�Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

�Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

�Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

�Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

�Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

�Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

�3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

�Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

�Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

�Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.

�See ladies blouses. 50% off!

�Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.

�Illiterate? Write today for free help.

�Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

�Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

�Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

�Mother’s helper–peasant working conditions.

�Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

�And now, the Superstore–unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

�We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, “See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you’ll never forget.”They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story.”Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet.I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don’t know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest damn lion I ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this…………ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!…….I tell you, I just shit my pants.”The young men looked astonished and one of them said, “I =don’t blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me.”The old man shook his head and said, “No, no, not then, just now when I said ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!”